Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[OJ UK]

OK here's a couple:

Why do men die first?


This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries but now we know. It requires a bit of explanation!!


If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.
If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.


If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet ... its male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't ... you're an insensitive b**tard.
If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you ... she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.
If SHE asks you ... it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert.
If you don't ... you're gay.


If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.
If you don't ... you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain.
If you don't ... you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers ... you're after something.
If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself.
If you're not ... you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.
If you don't ... there must be someone else.


Why do men die first ?


Because they want to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.


The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'


The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'


The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"


'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'


Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.


'Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.
If you

 

[OJ UK]

Another couple.....

I was in the supermarket the other day pushing my trolley around when I
collided with a young guy pushing his trolley.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I
guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife,
too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most of us old guys are helpful like that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and National Health Service (NHS) paperwork and was generally burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a motorcycle mechanic.


He went to the local Technical College, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.


When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.


When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained an unbelievable score of 150%.




Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying: "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."


The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.
You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."


After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

 

[OJ UK]

Ooops.... I forgot these:

One year , I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...


The next year , I didn't buy her a gift.


When she asked me why , I replied ,


"Well , you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"


And that's how the fight started.....


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






I asked my wife ,


'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'


It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.


'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.


So I suggested , 'How about the kitchen?'


And that's when the fight started...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.


I turned to her and said , 'Do you want to have Sex?'


'No , ' she answered.
I then said , 'Is that your final answer?'


She didn't even look at me this time , simply saying 'Yes..'


So I said , 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'


And that's when the fight started...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




I took my wife to a restaurant.


The waiter , for some reason , took my order first.


'I'll have the rump steak , medium rare , please.'


He said , 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'


'Nah , she can order for herself.'


And that's when the fight started.....


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.


She asked , 'What's on the TV?'


I said , 'Dust'


And then the fight started..


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.


She said , 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'


I bought her a set of bathroom scales.


And then the fight started...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






I rear-ended a car this morning.. So , there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.


You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?


Yeah , well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!


He stormed over to my car , looked up at me , and shouted ,


'I AM NOT HAPPY!'


So , I looked down at him and said , 'Well , then which one are you?'


And then the fight started…


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run , my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..


But , somehow I always had something else to take care of first , the shed , the bike , making beer.. Always something more important to me.


Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.


When I arrived home one day , I found her seated in the tall grass , busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute , and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.


I said , 'When you finish cutting the grass , you might as well sweep the driveway.'


The doctors say I will walk again , but I will always have a limp.

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack: :clap: :2thumbs:

 

[OJ UK]

FOR SNOOPY!!!

Today you posted this "I don't ask the neighborhood kid to cut my grass...he misses too much...nor do I ask him to wax my car...nor do I ask him to re-dye my leather seats....nor do I ask him to paint my car...nor do i ask him to.....you get my point?"

Reminds me of a little story.......

A rather nice looking blonde lady was struggling to find a job which she could do as all of her previous employment
had been less than successful and had resulted in dismissal.

The small town she lived in was a bit too small and her reputation for being really dumb was known by all.
On the outskirts of town there was a new development of houses that were built for millionaires, rock stars
and the like. It had it's own exclusive shopping mall and the prices were 'through the roof'!

The lady had an idea! She walked out to the mall and sat on a bench outside with a sign which read " Job Wanted ".

The security guard at the mall said that she either went in and bought something or he would have to escort her from the premises.
An hour went buy and rent-a-cop returned, took her quite roughly by the arm and started to hustle her away from the entrance when
a big guy came over and told the guard to leave the lady alone or there would be more trouble than he could handle!
The lady thanked the stranger and explained with tears in her eyes why she was there.....

The guy was basically a kind hearted guy and told her that although he couldn't offer her a regular job, he could find an 'odd job'
that she could do to tide her over for a couple of days.

He said that she could stay in the summer house by his pool for the two days the job would take to do. There was fresh linen on the bed
and the refrigerator was full. All she had to do was to re-paint his porch as he hated the colour.
The lady said she'd be happy to help out, they agreed on how much the job was worth and he drove her out to his splendid huge house in his
new custom built Hummer.
When they arrived he told her he would be away on business for a couple of days and everything she would need to re-paint the porch
was in the garage and that she was welcome to stay at the summer house until he returned and could pay her cash.
The night before he was due to return he called her to say that he'd been delayed and would be away for an extra day but she was welcome to stay.
He then asked how the job was going. She told him that she'd almost finished, another half hour and it would be done.
" By the way" she said "You made a mistake. It's not a porch...






....It's a Lamborghini!! :yikes:

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[PrairieSpyder]

His request approved, the Bulletin Newspaper photographer quickly used his mobile phone to call the Townsville airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over Mount Stuart and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for the Bulletin' he responded,' and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . .. You're NOT my flight instructor?'

"Life is short. Drink the good wine first"






​

 

[OJ UK]

Only in America......or China!!

While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his pe*is covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your pe*is.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his pe*is and proclaims, “Ah, yes,
Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my pe*is!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself!!!!” :yikes:

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: That wasn't funny...




:roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

An inspiration to us all.
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to"make a
difference"in the world.
It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable
achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on
challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

HAROLD SAYS: "I've often been asked,
'What do you do now that you're retired?
'Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one
of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into
urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it
every day and I really enjoy it."
Harold is an inspiration to us all.

:cheers:

 

[Bob Denman]

Seniors:
Hints on how to liven up your idle hours ...
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity:
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. Watch ' em Slow Down..
2. On all your check stubs, write For Marijuana.
3. Skip down the street, rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,with a serious face.
5. Sing Along At The Opera.
6. When The Money Comes Out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, we are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity :
9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask
where the fitting room is.

 

[retread]

Mill Famey was a backup pitcher for a minor league team, he was not particularly skilled, so he wasn't called to pitch often. He spent a lot of time in the bullpen, warming up at first, and then sitting in the sun drinking beer.
During the most important game of the season, his team went through its whole pitching staff, and Mill was surprised when he was called. He put the beer he was drinking in his back pocket and went out on the field. Sixteen pitches later, the winning run was walked in.
One of the opposing team's players saw something in Mill's back pocket, and asked a teammate what it was,
The teammate answered "That's the beer that made Mill Famey walk us."

?

 

[ursamajor35126]

GROAN!!:shocked:

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack: :clap:

 

[TexasSpyder]

Mill Famey was a backup pitcher for a minor league team, he was not particularly skilled, so he wasn't called to pitch often. He spent a lot of time in the bullpen, warming up at first, and then sitting in the sun drinking beer.
During the most important game of the season, his team went through its whole pitching staff, and Mill was surprised when he was called. He put the beer he was drinking in his back pocket and went out on the field. Sixteen pitches later, the winning run was walked in.
One of the opposing team's players saw something in Mill's back pocket, and asked a teammate what it was,
The teammate answered "That's the beer that made Mill Famey walk us."

?

Shades of "Fractured Fairy Tails" on Bullwinkle.

J. D.

 

[retread]

A dedicated bird watcher traveled the world locating and studying rare birds. When he heard of a bird that was thought to be extinct being found on a small island, he went to investigate.
After he arrived, he made arrangements with a local guide and went into the forest, where he was able to document that the Foo bird was indeed a reality.
As he was taking pictures, one of the rare birds flew overhead and took a dump on his shoulder. When he tried to wipe off the mess, the guide told him that local legend said it was the worst of luck to do that, and he had to wait until it dried and fell off of its own accord.
His trip and studies finished, the man boarded a boat to leave the island, and quickly wiped off the mess....and dropped dead.
The moral being... If the Foo s**ts, wear it.

?

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack: :clap: :2thumbs:

 

[PrairieSpyder]

A rabbi was shipwrecked on a small volcanic island. He found that the natives, who called themselves trids, all lived in the coastal areas - never on the mountainside. The trids were friendly, but they warned the rabbi to never venture up the mountain because a giant lived there and wouldn't let anyone on the mountain. Throughout their history, anyone who ventured up the mountain was kicked back down to the coast.

Of course, the rabbi assumed that was all just superstition, and one day he decided to explore the mountain. He climbed all the way to the top and was startled when he came face-to-face with a giant!! The giant invited him to a meal and looked after his comfort, being a perfect host.

The rabbi was obviously fearful and the giant asked him why. "Well I heard that anyone who comes up here will be kicked back down the mountain to the coast. I thought it was a myth, but now that I have met you, I'm afraid of getting hurt"

The giant just replied . . . . "Silly rabbi, kicks are for trids!"

 

[Bob Denman]