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Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
:clap: :2thumbs:
cuznjohn
New member
husband dies and the wife has him cremated. when she was asked to pick out a urn she said she wanted the ashes put into her cupped hands. when she had the ashes she started talking to them in her hands. she said, you promised me a mansion and i never got it,,, you promised me furs, i never got them,,, you promised me a roles royce,,, i never got it,,, at that point she blew into the ashes and said,,, here is the :cus: :cus: i promised you
PrairieSpyder
New member
An oldie, but a goodie . . .
CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only 1
Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal: 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None
Candles only.
Baptists : At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the Potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons : 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians:
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
Nazarene: 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only 1
Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal: 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None
Candles only.
Baptists : At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the Potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons : 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians:
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
Nazarene: 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
Cruzr Joe
New member
Patti
in order to be politically correct, you must add all faiths (good or bad)
you left out
Seventh Day Adventist
Sunni
Jewish
Muslims
I deliberately left out Isis because they have no faith, they are only interested in terrorism.
and probably several others.
Just ribbing you :roflblack:
Cruzr Joe
in order to be politically correct, you must add all faiths (good or bad)
you left out
Seventh Day Adventist
Sunni
Jewish
Muslims
I deliberately left out Isis because they have no faith, they are only interested in terrorism.
and probably several others.
Just ribbing you :roflblack:
Cruzr Joe
Bob Denman
New member
Patti,
I LOVED your version!! :clap:
(United Methodist here, and I've been called a "Dim Bulb", by some very Bright people!)
I LOVED your version!! :clap:
(United Methodist here, and I've been called a "Dim Bulb", by some very Bright people!
)Bob Denman
New member
Math teacher arrested at JFK airport is suspected of belonging to
secret terror society –
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy
International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden
device called a “slide-rule” and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with
carrying weapons of math instruction.
“Al-Gebra is a problem for us,” the Attorney General said. “Al-Gebra
has terrorized many young people for years.
They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on
tangents in search of absolute values.
They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as
‘unknowns,’ but we have determined that they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country.”
As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to
every triangle.'”
secret terror society –
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy
International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden
device called a “slide-rule” and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with
carrying weapons of math instruction.
“Al-Gebra is a problem for us,” the Attorney General said. “Al-Gebra
has terrorized many young people for years.
They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on
tangents in search of absolute values.
They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as
‘unknowns,’ but we have determined that they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country.”
As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to
every triangle.'”
granpa in Cincy
New member
Well Eric Holder would know!
NautiBrit
New member
Confession is so much better today.
He went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside he found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
The man says to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies "Get out, you moron, you're on my side."
He went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside he found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
The man says to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies "Get out, you moron, you're on my side."
IdahoMtnSpyder
Well-known member
This one just in time for Lent. The folks who lived in a neighborhood of Catholics were getting tired of Ole, the old Lutheran bachelor, always barbequing venison on Friday evenings. The smoke and smell were interfering with their Friday fish dinners, so the local Priest decided it was time to convert ol' Ole. After months of cajoling, arm twisting, and preaching Ole agreed to change. He comes to the altar and the Priest is sprinkling water on Ole's head saying, "You were born a Lutheran, and you have lived as a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic." Well, wouldn't you know it, the next Friday evening Ole was barbecuing his venison again. The upset neighbors went over to set him straight about the requirements of his new life when they looked over the fence and there was Ole, sprinkling water on the steak, "You was born a deer, and you lived as a deer, but now you are a walleye!"
Joe T.
Member
mowin
New member
I have to agree with ya...:thumbup:
PrairieSpyder
New member
:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::thumbup: TOO TRUE!!! :thumbup::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:
Bob Denman
New member
:agree: :roflblack::roflblack: :clap::firstplace:
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
This joke has been around for awhile and it may already be posted in this thread, but in case you missed it:
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went. "How many sales did you make today?" The young man replied without hesitating, "One." The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid said, "$101,237.64."
The boss said, "$101.237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!" The kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. The I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!"
:yes:
Jerry Baumchen
This joke has been around for awhile and it may already be posted in this thread, but in case you missed it:
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went. "How many sales did you make today?" The young man replied without hesitating, "One." The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid said, "$101,237.64."
The boss said, "$101.237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!" The kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. The I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!"
:yes:
Jerry Baumchen
Bob Denman
New member
It All Makes Perfect Sense Now...
[TABLE="width: 100%"]
[TR]
[TD="width: 100%"]For those who haven't heard,
Washington State recently passed two laws. They legalized
gay marriage and legalized marijuana. The fact that gay
marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same
day makes perfect Biblical sense. Leviticus 20:13 says:
"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."
Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
[TR]
[TD="width: 100%"]For those who haven't heard,
Washington State recently passed two laws. They legalized
gay marriage and legalized marijuana. The fact that gay
marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same
day makes perfect Biblical sense. Leviticus 20:13 says:
"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."
Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
Pirate looks at --
New member
To go along with that
Ben and Jerry's ice cream announced that if marijuana is legalized in all 50 states, they will consider making a marijuana infused ice cream........what kind of vicious cycle will that create?:roflblack::roflblack: Great for sales though!
Ben and Jerry's ice cream announced that if marijuana is legalized in all 50 states, they will consider making a marijuana infused ice cream........what kind of vicious cycle will that create?:roflblack::roflblack: Great for sales though!
Bob Denman
New member
PHP:
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out
in Rehab exercising." Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his
now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. A couple of
days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw. So Paddy
puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital. Next day he calls in
to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again
exercising." And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And very soon Mick comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it
and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks
down and cries and says, "He's dead." Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in." "No," says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
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