Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Spyder Cat]

Just in time for Turkey day

So, I jumped on a scale yesterday at the grocery store.
The display began flashing in red letters:
1 person at a time please!

 

[boborgera]

I had a Bear sleeping on the roof of my house, So i called the DEC ,They sent an agent over with a cage in the back of his pickup.
He also had with him a ladder, baseball bat, shotgun and a Pit bull.
So i asked him what are you going to do with that stuff??
He said he's going to use the ladder to get on the roof, He's going to knock the bear off with the bat,
Then when the bear hits the ground the pit bull is going to grab the bear by the testicles and hold him there, till he get's the bear in the cage.
So Then i asked whats the Shotgun for?

Oh that's in case the bear knocks me off, You Shoot the dog,.

 

[Phil]

My personal favorite bear defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in .22 short!
.......
That's one of the best pistols in my safe!

Bob, you CONTINUE to slay me.:bowdown: It's an old one, but you know how to freshen them!:thumbup:

 

[tconaagt]

Latest News

Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University, has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.


After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the ***** out of him.

 

[Bob Denman]

:2thumbs: I'm glad that they got him! :thumbup:

 

[exwinger]

Louise

[TD="width: 100%, bgcolor: #c0c0c0"] As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed,
his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never
been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was
there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!"
"Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I
wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as
a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable
Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll"
took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies
and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home,
and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the
rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several
candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny
continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to
steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't
she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,
"Hang on Granny Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was
Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking
to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that
sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap
in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through
my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his
chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of
the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's
garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's
collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the
back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
tape, we restored her to perfect health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa
still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

[/TD]

 

[SDM]

Louise

:clap:That was a GREAT STORY!!! Sounds like a fun family!!!:yes:

 

[Bob Denman]

You guys throw the best parties!! :firstplace::yes::roflblack:

 

[tconaagt]

Job at FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . .. Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes.The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn.. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL: (I'll get in trouble for this)

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them!

 

[warp10]

Today's Riddle

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
> >
> > On your right side is a sharp drop off. and on your left side is an
> > elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
> >
> > Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo, and your horse is
> > unable to overtake it.
> >
> > Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
> >
> > What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
> >
> >
> > See answer below.




> >
> >
> >
>
> > Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

 

[exwinger]

not a spydee rider

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the old biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands

but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency,

and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD,

so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS..

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD,

so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

 

[warp10]

Bad news!

Bad news!

To save the economy, on December 30, 2011, Congress has ordered the immigration department to start deporting retired people instead of illegals in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.

We are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!

See you on the bus. I wonder where we’re going?

 

[exwinger]

thoughtful gift

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ....HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ......!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

 

[Bob Denman]

More Fun With Electricity...

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing
dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it
7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key - the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. One day I'm mowing the
back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I
unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I
hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence
wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow, on fire, on
the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and
I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in
my head. I was literally at one with the engine.. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who
would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ.. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big Block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences..... but Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International orwhoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. '****!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think "Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die". But nooooo, it settles into the rough
lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. So
here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that
day......he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things: 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. 4- My left eye will not open. 5- My right eye will not close. 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are
almost a foot long. 8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???). That
day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure
the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my
security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over - which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

 

[exwinger]

Well at least you still have your mis shaped thingys....mine are still missing...LOL

 

[Bob Denman]

Have you looked under your armpits?? :shocked:

 

[exwinger]

cow

The only cow in a small town in Wisconsin stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found they could buy a cow in Minnesota for $200.

They bought the cow from Minnesota and the cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.

They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening.

"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Minnesota?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

"That’s amazing!" they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Minnesota?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from Minnesota. . . .

 

[coz]

horse

a horse walked into a bar one day. the bartender says'' hey buddy, why the long face.'':joke:

 

[draboo]

[h=6]I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please..'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started...[/h]

 

[draboo]

[h=6]My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
Hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on
Celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.[/h]