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There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.
Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
:yikes: So THAT's what happened... :gaah:
You Know When You Are In California
Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.
You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
You can't remember...is pot illegal?
You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
You can't remember.....is pot illegal?
A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
You can't remember...is pot illegal?
It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH."
You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
Both you AND your dog have therapists.
You can't remember...... is pot illegal???????
Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.
You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
You can't remember...is pot illegal?
You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
You can't remember.....is pot illegal?
A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
You can't remember...is pot illegal?
It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH."
You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
Both you AND your dog have therapists.
You can't remember...... is pot illegal???????
nly in cali
tconaagt
New member
Pa! Fix the Outhouse
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Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"
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Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"
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granpa in Cincy
New member
Racism?
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days:
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage , would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or If I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days:
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage , would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or If I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
GeoffCee
New member
:roflblack:
GeoffCee
New member
What I’ve learned at the movies…
During all police investigations, detectives will visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America include the digits ‘555’.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town you can usually disappear into a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover-sheets that reach up to the armpits on a woman but only to the waist of the man lying alongside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
It's easy for any passenger to land a crippled plane, someone in the control tower will talk him down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You'll probably survive any battle in any war, unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak German. A vaguely foreign accent will suffice.
If an imminent natural disaster or killer beast threatens your town, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will screw his face up in agony when a woman later attends to his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi it is never necessary to look in your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over, it will always be the exact fare. Likewise when leaving a bar or restaurant in a hurry, just throw some bills on the table and go, no member of staff will question your departure.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, open the fridge door and use the light from that instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Computers never display a cursor on screen but will always say, ‘Enter Password’.
No matter how many times Sigourney Weaver dies on screen, she can always be revived for one more Alien film.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon, and waffles for their family every morning, even though fathers and children never have time to eat.
Cars that crash almost always explode into a fireball.
American police saloon cars are able to match the performance of any foreign sports car they happen to be chasing.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 24 hours to finish the job.
A single match is sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect hair, pure white teeth and flawless skin.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say ‘hello’ or ‘goodbye’ when beginning or ending a telephone conversation.
Even when driving along a perfectly straight road it is necessary to move the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timers with large red numbers so everybody knows when they're about to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
A detective will always solve a baffling case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilisation.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait around in a threatening manner until you have knocked them all out one by one.
It is possible to outrun or outdrive the effects of any explosion, avalanche, earthquake or hurricane.
A person rendered unconscious by a blow to the head will never suffer concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to ensure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their incompatible opposite.
A chainsaw can always be found when a maniac needs one.
Any lock can be picked using a credit card or paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence powerful enough to repel a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment in time.
In court you should always aim to be represented by an inexperienced female lawyer who has a retired alcoholic father whose once brilliant legal mind is pickled. To help his little girl he’ll come out of retirement, sober himself up and discover startling new evidence that nobody else knows about, thereby winning your case.
The concierge of a fashionable hotel will always overlook you’re a hooker, providing your unmarried billionaire client is renting the penthouse.
You are unlikely to appear in a sequel if you wear the only red coat in a black and white film about the Holocaust.
In the far distant future the only way you’ll be able to distinguish an android from a real human being will be its rancid-looking complexion and functional name, such as ‘Data’.
A holodeck computer will always remember who the real people are.
If a detective asks if you’re feeling lucky he probably isn’t aiming to sell you a raffle ticket.
To most American motorists the command, ‘Put your hands on the roof’, is incomprehensible.
Anyone on foot who is being chased by a car should always stick to the middle of the alley.
‘You are what you eat’ has never entered Clingon culture.
Vultures will always obligingly circle high above a massacre until somebody shows up to bury the bodies.
To experience Borg sex you have to be charged up, plugged in and well connected.
One unsolved mystery aboard Voyager is how Seven of Nine gets dressed.
There is no such person as a Farengi dentist.
The G’ould can master every part of the human nervous system perfectly, except vocal chords.
A holographic doctor can cure anything. Well, virtually anything....
Light sabres of the same colour don’t work.
No matter how badly it’s damaged, a Federation Starship will always carry enough spare parts to complete the current series.
Lavatories and bathrooms are unheard of aboard Deep Space Nine.
SG-1 personnel continue to lug around WWII weaponry out of obstinacy.
A shape shifter can’t do ears.
No matter how far you boldly trek through the Universe visiting strange new worlds, someone will always be there to greet you in English when you arrive.
If any alien spaceship from elsewhere in the Universe hails you, your respective TV pictures will display perfectly on each other’s communication screens – irrespective of whether the TV standard in use is PAL, NTSC, or SECAM.
During all police investigations, detectives will visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America include the digits ‘555’.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town you can usually disappear into a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover-sheets that reach up to the armpits on a woman but only to the waist of the man lying alongside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
It's easy for any passenger to land a crippled plane, someone in the control tower will talk him down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You'll probably survive any battle in any war, unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak German. A vaguely foreign accent will suffice.
If an imminent natural disaster or killer beast threatens your town, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will screw his face up in agony when a woman later attends to his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi it is never necessary to look in your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over, it will always be the exact fare. Likewise when leaving a bar or restaurant in a hurry, just throw some bills on the table and go, no member of staff will question your departure.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, open the fridge door and use the light from that instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Computers never display a cursor on screen but will always say, ‘Enter Password’.
No matter how many times Sigourney Weaver dies on screen, she can always be revived for one more Alien film.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon, and waffles for their family every morning, even though fathers and children never have time to eat.
Cars that crash almost always explode into a fireball.
American police saloon cars are able to match the performance of any foreign sports car they happen to be chasing.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 24 hours to finish the job.
A single match is sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect hair, pure white teeth and flawless skin.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say ‘hello’ or ‘goodbye’ when beginning or ending a telephone conversation.
Even when driving along a perfectly straight road it is necessary to move the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timers with large red numbers so everybody knows when they're about to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
A detective will always solve a baffling case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilisation.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait around in a threatening manner until you have knocked them all out one by one.
It is possible to outrun or outdrive the effects of any explosion, avalanche, earthquake or hurricane.
A person rendered unconscious by a blow to the head will never suffer concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to ensure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their incompatible opposite.
A chainsaw can always be found when a maniac needs one.
Any lock can be picked using a credit card or paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence powerful enough to repel a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment in time.
In court you should always aim to be represented by an inexperienced female lawyer who has a retired alcoholic father whose once brilliant legal mind is pickled. To help his little girl he’ll come out of retirement, sober himself up and discover startling new evidence that nobody else knows about, thereby winning your case.
The concierge of a fashionable hotel will always overlook you’re a hooker, providing your unmarried billionaire client is renting the penthouse.
You are unlikely to appear in a sequel if you wear the only red coat in a black and white film about the Holocaust.
In the far distant future the only way you’ll be able to distinguish an android from a real human being will be its rancid-looking complexion and functional name, such as ‘Data’.
A holodeck computer will always remember who the real people are.
If a detective asks if you’re feeling lucky he probably isn’t aiming to sell you a raffle ticket.
To most American motorists the command, ‘Put your hands on the roof’, is incomprehensible.
Anyone on foot who is being chased by a car should always stick to the middle of the alley.
‘You are what you eat’ has never entered Clingon culture.
Vultures will always obligingly circle high above a massacre until somebody shows up to bury the bodies.
To experience Borg sex you have to be charged up, plugged in and well connected.
One unsolved mystery aboard Voyager is how Seven of Nine gets dressed.
There is no such person as a Farengi dentist.
The G’ould can master every part of the human nervous system perfectly, except vocal chords.
A holographic doctor can cure anything. Well, virtually anything....
Light sabres of the same colour don’t work.
No matter how badly it’s damaged, a Federation Starship will always carry enough spare parts to complete the current series.
Lavatories and bathrooms are unheard of aboard Deep Space Nine.
SG-1 personnel continue to lug around WWII weaponry out of obstinacy.
A shape shifter can’t do ears.
No matter how far you boldly trek through the Universe visiting strange new worlds, someone will always be there to greet you in English when you arrive.
If any alien spaceship from elsewhere in the Universe hails you, your respective TV pictures will display perfectly on each other’s communication screens – irrespective of whether the TV standard in use is PAL, NTSC, or SECAM.
GeoffCee
New member
52 things you would love to say out loud at work 
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of garbage.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your cigar?
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ha-aahhhh. I see the SNAFU fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
19. What am I? A flypaper for freaks?!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........
32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door number .........1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). But must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just needed the money.
39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. Aren't you a cesspit of need?
42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
45. If you have something to say raise your hand... then place it over your mouth.
46. I'm too busy. Can I ignore you some other time?
47. Try not to let your mind wander. It’s too small to be out on its own.
48. Have a nice day. Somewhere else.
49. You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement right away.
50. You are as pretty as a picture. I'd really like to hang you.
51. Try not to believe everything you think.
52. Hear that? It's the sound of nobody caring.
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of garbage.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your cigar?
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ha-aahhhh. I see the SNAFU fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
19. What am I? A flypaper for freaks?!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........
32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door number .........1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). But must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just needed the money.
39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. Aren't you a cesspit of need?
42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
45. If you have something to say raise your hand... then place it over your mouth.
46. I'm too busy. Can I ignore you some other time?
47. Try not to let your mind wander. It’s too small to be out on its own.
48. Have a nice day. Somewhere else.
49. You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement right away.
50. You are as pretty as a picture. I'd really like to hang you.
51. Try not to believe everything you think.
52. Hear that? It's the sound of nobody caring.
Last edited:
granpa in Cincy
New member
Things You Can Say at Thanksgiving and get away with!
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready
Bob Denman
New member
I'd still be hard pressed to get away with them... But you've given me the necessary will to try! :2thumbs:
Dar
New member
Firewood
Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?
''Yes, What can I do for you?''
'' I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'' ''Thank you very much for the call, sir.'' The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood. but find no marijuana. They sneered at Virgil and leave. Shortly after the phone rings at Virgil's house. ''Hey, Virgil, This here's Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?'' ''Yeah!'' '' Did they chop your firewood for the winter?'' ''Yep!'' ''Happy Birthday buddy!'' Rednecks know how to git-R-done.
Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?
''Yes, What can I do for you?''
'' I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'' ''Thank you very much for the call, sir.'' The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood. but find no marijuana. They sneered at Virgil and leave. Shortly after the phone rings at Virgil's house. ''Hey, Virgil, This here's Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?'' ''Yeah!'' '' Did they chop your firewood for the winter?'' ''Yep!'' ''Happy Birthday buddy!'' Rednecks know how to git-R-done.
granpa in Cincy
New member
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari.".... LOL
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari.".... LOL
ThreeWheels
Active member
THE BAGPIPER
My Girlfriend sent me this:
"Happiness is not an accident, nor is it something you wish for.
Happiness is something you design".
But....sometimes you just need to smile!
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man.. He had
no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery
in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the
backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for
directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers
and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized
to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked
down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put
down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart
and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I
played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept;
we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my
car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that
before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost . . .
My Girlfriend sent me this:
"Happiness is not an accident, nor is it something you wish for.
Happiness is something you design".
But....sometimes you just need to smile!
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man.. He had
no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery
in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the
backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for
directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers
and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized
to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked
down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put
down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart
and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I
played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept;
we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my
car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that
before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost . . .
tconaagt
New member
BREAST FEEDING
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, “Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, “Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
Bob Denman
New member
Why is it that she never sits next to ME??? :shocked: :roflblack:
Tiny1
New member
Try the "puppy dog" eyes Bob
Bob Denman
New member
Unfortunately my eyeballs always come across more like "bloodshot & glaring..."
Bob Denman
New member
My personal favorite bear defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in .22 short!
I've found over the years when hiking in bear country I never leave without it in my pocket.
Of course we all know the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System".
For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend or companion, even an in-law. That way if something happens there is someone to go get help.
I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern British Columbia. Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she MAD! We must have been near one of her cubs.
Any way if I had not had my little Jetfire I'd sure not be here today.
That's right, one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.
That's one of the best pistols in my safe!
I've found over the years when hiking in bear country I never leave without it in my pocket.
Of course we all know the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System".
For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend or companion, even an in-law. That way if something happens there is someone to go get help.
I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern British Columbia. Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she MAD! We must have been near one of her cubs.
Any way if I had not had my little Jetfire I'd sure not be here today.
That's right, one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.
That's one of the best pistols in my safe!
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