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Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
PCBeachBum
New member
IRISH TALKING CLOCK
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment
to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'YUP, it is' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong
an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
'You A*****E! It's THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!'
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment
to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'YUP, it is' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong
an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
'You A*****E! It's THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!'
dannymax
New member
I would like to share an experience with you , about drinking and driving.
As you know, some of us have been known to "tipple" during this time of the year. Well, last night it happened to me.
Being New Years Eve, I went out for a few drinks with some friends and had way too much very nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.
As you know, some of us have been known to "tipple" during this time of the year. Well, last night it happened to me.
Being New Years Eve, I went out for a few drinks with some friends and had way too much very nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I
know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he
finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid
them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
and asked, 'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I
know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he
finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid
them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
and asked, 'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
dannymax
New member
The wife and I were sitting on the couch the other night watching TV, I had the remote, of course, and kept switching back & forth between the fishing channel and the porn channel.
Finally she said, "For crying out loud....leave it on the porn channel, you already know how to fish!"
Finally she said, "For crying out loud....leave it on the porn channel, you already know how to fish!"
Bob Denman
New member
...And then the fight started... 
dannymax
New member
A sad place to be.....
I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern Michigan near the Canadian border.
He said since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern Michigan near the Canadian border.
He said since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
tconaagt
New member
Where I have and haven't been:
Where I have and haven't been:
I have been in many places, but I have never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go there alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport. You have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my family, friends and those where I have worked.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I am not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.
I have also been in Limbo, but that contention is totally unsupported.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart. At my age I need all of the stimuli I can get.
Now if I can just avoid being in Continent.
Where I have and haven't been:
I have been in many places, but I have never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go there alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport. You have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my family, friends and those where I have worked.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I am not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.
I have also been in Limbo, but that contention is totally unsupported.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart. At my age I need all of the stimuli I can get.
Now if I can just avoid being in Continent.
granpa in Cincy
New member
Elderly couple from Texas visit WV
John is 78 and Tina is 74 they have been married for a few too many years. They choose to visit the mountains in his home state of West Virginia. As they are traveling through one of the towns, John misses a speed limit sign and the local Officer pulls him over.
John stops the car and the Officer steps up to his window and asks for his drivers license...
Tina (who is very hard of hearing) demands to know what the Officer said...
Tina - (in her LOUD screeching voice)"Whadidee say John? Whadidee say?"
John - (LOUDLY) "He asked for my license"
Officer - "I see that you are from Texas"
Tina - (in her screeching voice) "Whadidee say John? Whadidee say?"
John - "He sees that we are from Texas"
Officer - "I was stationed in Texas while I was in the Army"
Tina - (in her screeching voice) "Whadidee say John? Whadidee say?"
John - "He used to live in Texas"
Officer - "Yes sir, when I lived there... I dated a woman who lived in Dallas. She was the absolute worst lay that I ever had in my entire life!"
Tina - (in her screeching voice) "Whadidee say John? Whadidee say?"
John - "He says he thinks he knows you"
John is 78 and Tina is 74 they have been married for a few too many years. They choose to visit the mountains in his home state of West Virginia. As they are traveling through one of the towns, John misses a speed limit sign and the local Officer pulls him over.
John stops the car and the Officer steps up to his window and asks for his drivers license...
Tina (who is very hard of hearing) demands to know what the Officer said...
Tina - (in her LOUD screeching voice)"Whadidee say John? Whadidee say?"
John - (LOUDLY) "He asked for my license"
Officer - "I see that you are from Texas"
Tina - (in her screeching voice) "Whadidee say John? Whadidee say?"
John - "He sees that we are from Texas"
Officer - "I was stationed in Texas while I was in the Army"
Tina - (in her screeching voice) "Whadidee say John? Whadidee say?"
John - "He used to live in Texas"
Officer - "Yes sir, when I lived there... I dated a woman who lived in Dallas. She was the absolute worst lay that I ever had in my entire life!"
Tina - (in her screeching voice) "Whadidee say John? Whadidee say?"
John - "He says he thinks he knows you"
dannymax
New member
A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a cafe discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple expressos, the Greek guy says, "Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon", as he arched his eyebrows.
The Scotsman then replies, "Well... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices".
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, 'We Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on, until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women."
Over triple expressos, the Greek guy says, "Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon", as he arched his eyebrows.
The Scotsman then replies, "Well... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices".
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, 'We Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on, until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women."
effgjamis
Ride Forrest Ride!
ANSWERS OF A BRILLIANT STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0%
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* it will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build the same wall?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* it will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build the same wall?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Arr MiHardies
New member
12. If you see all of the above in any 5 minute period, you are in Las Vegas.
Arr MiHardies
New member
An inbred cat is in bread.
Last edited:
Arr MiHardies
New member
bad Joke, i know. Had to get it out of my head.
Outside of the boxing gym, there is a long queue of people waiting to meet the newest heavyweight champion. And each, in turn is taken away on a stretcher after the champion hits them with an upper cut or a jab. Curious as to what is going on, Joe gets in line. Finally he gets to the front and takes his turn with the champion. Before the champ can hit him he says, "hey, I've stood in this line for almost an hour now, and all I've seen you do is hit people. What's going on here." The champ replies, "Son, didn't you know? This is the punchline."
Outside of the boxing gym, there is a long queue of people waiting to meet the newest heavyweight champion. And each, in turn is taken away on a stretcher after the champion hits them with an upper cut or a jab. Curious as to what is going on, Joe gets in line. Finally he gets to the front and takes his turn with the champion. Before the champ can hit him he says, "hey, I've stood in this line for almost an hour now, and all I've seen you do is hit people. What's going on here." The champ replies, "Son, didn't you know? This is the punchline."
GeoffCee
New member
A sense of humour like yours is in Valuable. :clap:
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