Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

:clap:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[donkes]

A woman places an ad in the paper.

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70′s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, ‘You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!
The old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I cannot run around on you!’
She snorted. ‘You don’t have any arms either!’
Again, the old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I can never beat you!’
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ‘Are you still good in bed???’
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
‘Rang the doorbell didn’t I?’

Good one

 

[PrairieSpyder]

A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: I don't know whether to laugh, or cry... :shocked:

:clap:

 

[ARtraveler]

Lots of alphabet soup, but that was funny. :bowdown::bowdown:

 

[Bob Denman]

Lots of alphabet soup, but that was funny. :bowdown::bowdown:

There SHOULD be...
(see post #1290!)

 

[PrairieSpyder]

 

[Bob Denman]

That looks PERFECT!! :thumbup:
Except for the wimpy European 9mm handgun... :shocked:

It should have been a .45! :2thumbs:

 

[Bob Denman]

The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter. The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.


When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"


The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, NO!!!"
So I said, "That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"


Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care though, because; they aren’t very friendly there anyway!!!

 

[PrairieSpyder]

The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter. The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.


When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"


The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, NO!!!"
So I said, "That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"


Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care though, because; they aren’t very friendly there anyway!!!

:yikes::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:

 

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter. The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.


When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"


The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, NO!!!"
So I said, "That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"


Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care though, because; they aren’t very friendly there anyway!!!

In a way, this really isn't funny because that is the way diabetes was determined to exist many years ago.

In the 17th century, a London physician named Dr. Thomas Willis determined whether his patients had diabetes by sampling their urine. If it had a sweet taste, he diagnosed them with diabetes mellitus, or “honeyed” diabetes. This method of monitoring blood sugars went largely unchanged until the 20th century.

http://www.diabeteshealth.com/blog/the-history-of-diabetes/

But it made me laugh anyway! :roflblack:

 

[retread]

Reminds me of a story a pharmacist friend told me....
In a lab class at pharmacy school, the Professor was giving a demonstration; "This will be a test of your acuity of observation", he picked up a bottle of a yellow liquid, stuck a finger in, and then quickly put a finger in his mouth. "This is the way we used to check for sugar" he said, and then directed the class to do as he had.
When the whole class had gone through the process, and the gagging and spitting was finished, he said "everyone in the class failed, no one noticed that my first finger went into the bottle, my middle finger went into my mouth!"

john

 

[Bob Denman]

In a way, this really isn't funny because that is the way diabetes was determined to exist many years ago.


http://www.diabeteshealth.com/blog/the-history-of-diabetes/

But it made me laugh anyway! :roflblack:

As of April 5th, 2015, I've been a Type 1 diabetic for fifty years...

 

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

As of April 5th, 2015, I've been a Type 1 diabetic for fifty years...

I had a coworker a number of years ago who was Type 1. He was pretty sure it was the result of exposure to agent orange in Vietnam as there was no genetic reason for it, and its onset was after his stint over there. Adult onset of Type 1 is pretty rare, even still I think. He sure was happy when the good insulin pumps came to be. Previously he had to inject 5 times a day. Sadly, he passed away from complications of the diabetes several years ago.

I was diagnosed as Type 2 over 12 years ago. I have a strong family history of it. Mine is fairly well controlled with diet and med. Keeping my fingers crossed that I don't ever have to go to insulin.

 

[Bob Denman]

(Odd to discuss something so potentially serious in this thread... :shocked

I've been using insulin pumps since 2000. Prior to that; I was stabbing myself four times a day. :sour:
My current pump also monitors my blood glucose levels as well... I REALLY like that innovation!! :2thumbs:


...Back to the jokes! :yes::roflblack:

 

[OJ UK]

Smelling sweet!

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack: :clap: :2thumbs:

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Question: What is a specimen?

Answer: An Italian astronaut.

<eyes roll>

Jerry Baumchen

 

[cuznjohn]

ok i am italian and i can do this joke

what is the difference between a italian mother in law and a gorilla

about 2 or 3 pounds

 

[Bob Denman]

You forgot the 2nd part of the answer:
The Gorilla has less facial and body hair!

(My Sister is married to a fella; whose family emigrated from Sicily...)