Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

This actually happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day,
that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne
and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman
and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.
He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law,
he is going to be arrested.






The Englishman answers with a bit of humour,
"No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions,
do you realize that this is a British car
and that my wife is driving . . . . . on the other side?"

 

[Cruzr Joe]

Passed on to me from a very knowledgeable friend.

1947 & 1948
So THAT'S what happened!!

The year was 1947. Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little more than 66 years ago, numerous witnesses claim that an Unidentified Flying Object, (UFO), with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico .

This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered-up by the U.S. Air Force, as well as other Federal Agencies and Organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April, year 1948, nine months after the historic day, the following people were born:


· Barrack ***** Sr.
· Albert A. Gore, Jr.
· Hillary Rodham
· William J. Clinton
· John F. Kerry
· Howard Dean
· Nancy Pelosi
· Dianne Feinstein
· Charles E. Schumer
· Barbara Boxer
· Joe Biden

This is the obvious consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and jack-asses.

I truly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It certainly did for me.

And now you can stop wondering why they support the bill to help all Illegal Aliens.

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: So THAT's what happened... :roflblack: :clap:

 

[PrairieSpyder]

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for a consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: "1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"


nojoke

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: Did he answer: "I'll tell you NEXT Month..." :banghead:

 

[Bob Denman]

For All Of Those Who Hunt...

Where can we get some more of these signs????

 

[Bob Denman]

When You Think About it...

..This is probably true!!

And this ends today's English Lesson. :clap:

 

[Bob Denman]

Chocolate Has Helped Many Of Us.

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

And that's without the "Ys" & "Ws".

 

[mowin]

And that's without the "Ys" & "Ws".

:roflblack::roflblack::thumbup:

 

[PrairieSpyder]

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked:

From 1959's, "The Angry Red Planet"
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0052564/

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A guy comes home completely drunk one night.

He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the H*** have you been all night?" she demands. "

At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - H***, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.

She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do."

"Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that whizzed in your saxophone last night!" :shocked:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

The Navy intercepted a boatload of people off the coast of California today.
This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boat was not heading to, but away from the USA, towards Mexico.
Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with White Americans who were all seniors of Retirement / Social Security age.
Their claim was that they were trying to get to Mexico so as to be able to return to the USA as illegal immigrants.
And therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate American Citizens on Social Security.

:dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow:

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

:clap:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[donkes]

A woman places an ad in the paper.

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70′s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, ‘You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!
The old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I cannot run around on you!’
She snorted. ‘You don’t have any arms either!’
Again, the old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I can never beat you!’
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ‘Are you still good in bed???’
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
‘Rang the doorbell didn’t I?’

Good one

 

[PrairieSpyder]

A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: I don't know whether to laugh, or cry... :shocked:

:clap: