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Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
:clap: :roflblack: :thumbup:
vided
New member
Bucket list
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.”
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home, the first man says, “You know, I think my girl was dead!”
“Dead?” says his friend. “'Why do you say that?”
“Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.”
His friend says, “Could be worse, I think mine was a witch.”
“A witch??. . Why the hell would you say that?”
“Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window. Took my teeth with her!”
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.”
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home, the first man says, “You know, I think my girl was dead!”
“Dead?” says his friend. “'Why do you say that?”
“Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.”
His friend says, “Could be worse, I think mine was a witch.”
“A witch??. . Why the hell would you say that?”
“Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window. Took my teeth with her!”
cuznjohn
New member
door bell rings at a red light house down south, the madam answers the door and doesn't see anyone, than all of a sudden she sees a man laying on the floor in front of the door with no arms or legs. she says to him, what do you want, the man replied, i want to be serviced by two woman. the madam chuckles and said, YOU WANT TO BE SERVICED BY TWO GIRLS, ha you don't have any arms or legs, tha man than said, WELL I RANG THE DOOR BELL
Iamjoey
New member
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'
HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'
HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
vided
New member
Muslim Book Store
So, I was walking through the mall and saw that there was a "Muslim
Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so
I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and
asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do
have a copy of the U.S. Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims?"
The clerk said, ":cus: off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
So, I was walking through the mall and saw that there was a "Muslim
Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so
I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and
asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do
have a copy of the U.S. Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims?"
The clerk said, ":cus: off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
PrairieSpyder
New member
:clap::clap::clap::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:
And soon they will vote
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A.. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.(That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we’re getting somewhere)
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A.. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.(That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we’re getting somewhere)
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: I think that I had a Caesar while reading that kid's answers... :shocked:
Worrying isn't it.....these young folks are your future....it's no different in the (Y)UK!
vided
New member
Men with earrings
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?
This is the true story: a man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
(I always wondered how this trend got started)
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?
This is the true story: a man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
(I always wondered how this trend got started)
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
A small church had a very attractive, big-busted organist named Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday".
Jerry Baumchen
A small church had a very attractive, big-busted organist named Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday".
Jerry Baumchen
Bob Denman
New member
:clap: :roflblack: :2thumbs:
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
A Retired Person's Perspective:
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably ticked off.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day because, then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
8. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
9. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
:yes:
Jerry Baumchen
A Retired Person's Perspective:
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably ticked off.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day because, then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
8. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
9. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
:yes:
Jerry Baumchen
Bob Denman
New member
Those aren't jokes; they're all too TRUE! :shocked:
Bob Denman
New member
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.”
His buddy says: “Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.
She's after me 3 and 4 times a day,I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (65+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that ****."
One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.”
His buddy says: “Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.
She's after me 3 and 4 times a day,I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (65+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that ****."
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
The origin of yodeling -
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry."
So she prepared a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn. And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.
"How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO...."
:yes:
Jerry Baumchen
The origin of yodeling -
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry."
So she prepared a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn. And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.
"How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO...."
:yes:
Jerry Baumchen
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
This one is just for you, Denham.
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful looks and charm.
She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her tomarry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
:yes:
Jerry Baumchen
This one is just for you, Denham.
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful looks and charm.
She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her tomarry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
:yes:
Jerry Baumchen
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
Little Billy is pulling a dead frog on a rope as he walks into a brothel. He walks up to the madam and says loudly and proudly, "I want to have sex with Monica."
The madam says, "but you're just a boy, you can't be here."
Billy pulls out $3000 dollars and says, "I am a paying customer, and I want to have sex with Monica."
The madam looks at the cash and thinks that they could use it. "Okay, little boy. But why do you want to have sex with Monica? There are a lot of women here?"
Billy replies, "I heard she has chlamydia."
The madam starts laughing and says, "Why in the world would you want to knowingly have sex with someone who has chlamydia?"
Billy takes a couple steps closer, and he says "Well you see, my parents are going out to dinner tonight and I'm going to have sex with my babysitter. I know that when my daddy takes her home, he's going to have sex with the babysitter. Then tomorrow, he'll have sex with my mom, and then the next day, my mom will have sex with the mailman, and the mailman's the SOB who ran over my frog!"
:yes:
Jerry Baumchen
Little Billy is pulling a dead frog on a rope as he walks into a brothel. He walks up to the madam and says loudly and proudly, "I want to have sex with Monica."
The madam says, "but you're just a boy, you can't be here."
Billy pulls out $3000 dollars and says, "I am a paying customer, and I want to have sex with Monica."
The madam looks at the cash and thinks that they could use it. "Okay, little boy. But why do you want to have sex with Monica? There are a lot of women here?"
Billy replies, "I heard she has chlamydia."
The madam starts laughing and says, "Why in the world would you want to knowingly have sex with someone who has chlamydia?"
Billy takes a couple steps closer, and he says "Well you see, my parents are going out to dinner tonight and I'm going to have sex with my babysitter. I know that when my daddy takes her home, he's going to have sex with the babysitter. Then tomorrow, he'll have sex with my mom, and then the next day, my mom will have sex with the mailman, and the mailman's the SOB who ran over my frog!"
:yes:
Jerry Baumchen
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