Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[Blue Star]

[TD="colspan: 2"] TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 1.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Never take a beer to a job interview.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 2.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 3.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 4..






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 5.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 566, colspan: 2"] DINING OUT






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 1.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 2.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 566, colspan: 2"] ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 1.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 2.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 566, colspan: 2"] PERSONAL HYGIENE






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 1.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 2.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 3.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 566, colspan: 2"] DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 1.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 2.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.'






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 3.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 4.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya' sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'






[/TD]

[TD="width: 566, colspan: 2"] WEDDINGS






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 1.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 2.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 3.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance..






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 4.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 5.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 566, colspan: 2"] DRIVING ETIQUETTE






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 1.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 2.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 3.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 4.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 5.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 6.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 566, colspan: 2"] TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 1.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] All the DNA is the same.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 2.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] There are no dental records






[/TD]

 

[Bob Denman]

Home Security

Now that I'm on a fixed income, I've disconnected my home alarm system,
turned off my external lights and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front garden, one at each corner,
and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

Local Police, Federal Police, the Army and all my neighbors are watching the house 24/7.
I am watched everywhere I go.

I've never felt safer, and I'm saving $149.50 a month​

​

​

​

 

[Blue Star]

The good old days

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

:cheers:

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Iamjoey]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning,
I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: BRAVO!! :2thumbs:

 

[vided]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oi68hPMinAI

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: :roflblack:
Seinfeld always seem to "touch" on the most sensitive topics...

 

[cuznjohn]

OFF COLOR

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
To which the husband replied: "I'm watching the game with my son-in-law!"

 

[ottawa-rider]

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

To which the husband replied: "I'm watching the game with my son-in-law!"

 

[cuznjohn]

To which the husband replied: "I'm watching the game with my son-in-law!"

i cut and pasted the joke, so i must of missed that part, thanks

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

If this one has been posted before, I apologize.

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things peopleactually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by courtreporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were takingplace.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

:banghead::banghead::banghead:

Jerry Baumchen
My son is an attorney

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack::roflblack: :clap:
Priceless... :2thumbs:

 

[Blue Star]

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem. ”


Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem.”


"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth and he can talk," says Morty.


"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.


"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: " Seth, Fetch!"


Seth the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says,

"So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing.

And you only call me when you want something.

And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis.

You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet.

It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself!

And do you ever take me for a decent walk?

NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home.

Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much!

I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"


Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"


Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch."

 

[Blue Star]

Computer help desk

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

************************
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
Every time I try, it says 'can’t find printer’.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..
*************************

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
*************************
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
*************************
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..
*************************
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
*************************
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
*************************
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

************************
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT

 

[Blue Star]

Philosophical Thoughts

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ...now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights.” I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than "please". I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes”.

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

I've lost my mind and I’m pretty sure my kids took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid...but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

 

[Iamjoey]

The Love Dress

​



A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"