Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Blue Star]

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem. ”


Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem.”


"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth and he can talk," says Morty.


"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.


"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: " Seth, Fetch!"


Seth the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says,

"So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing.

And you only call me when you want something.

And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis.

You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet.

It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself!

And do you ever take me for a decent walk?

NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home.

Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much!

I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"


Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"


Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch."

 

[Blue Star]

Computer help desk

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

************************
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
Every time I try, it says 'can’t find printer’.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..
*************************

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
*************************
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
*************************
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..
*************************
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
*************************
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
*************************
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

************************
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT

 

[Blue Star]

Philosophical Thoughts

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ...now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights.” I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than "please". I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes”.

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

I've lost my mind and I’m pretty sure my kids took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid...but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

 

[Iamjoey]

The Love Dress

​



A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

 

[cuznjohn]

OFF COLOR

what is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist,,,, one looks up your family tree and the other your family bush

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: :roflblack: :thumbup:

 

[vided]

Bucket list

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.”
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home, the first man says, “You know, I think my girl was dead!”
“Dead?” says his friend. “'Why do you say that?”
“Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.”
His friend says, “Could be worse, I think mine was a witch.”
“A witch??. . Why the hell would you say that?”
“Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window. Took my teeth with her!”

 

[cuznjohn]

door bell rings at a red light house down south, the madam answers the door and doesn't see anyone, than all of a sudden she sees a man laying on the floor in front of the door with no arms or legs. she says to him, what do you want, the man replied, i want to be serviced by two woman. the madam chuckles and said, YOU WANT TO BE SERVICED BY TWO GIRLS, ha you don't have any arms or legs, tha man than said, WELL I RANG THE DOOR BELL

 

[Iamjoey]

​
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[vided]

Muslim Book Store

So, I was walking through the mall and saw that there was a "Muslim

Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so

I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and

asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do

have a copy of the U.S. Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims?"



The clerk said, ":cus: off, get out and stay out!"


I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

 

[PrairieSpyder]

So, I was walking through the mall and saw that there was a "Muslim

Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so

I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and

asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do

have a copy of the U.S. Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims?"



The clerk said, ":cus: off, get out and stay out!"


I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

:clap::clap::clap::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:

 

[Blue Star]

And soon they will vote

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)








Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A.. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we’re getting somewhere)

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: I think that I had a Caesar while reading that kid's answers... :shocked:

 

[OJ UK]

:shocked: I think that I had a Caesar while reading that kid's answers... :shocked:

Worrying isn't it.....these young folks are your future....it's no different in the (Y)UK!

 

[vided]

Men with earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

This is the true story: a man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

(I always wondered how this trend got started)

​

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A small church had a very attractive, big-busted organist named Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday".

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: :roflblack: :2thumbs:

 

[vided]

:agree::agree:

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A Retired Person's Perspective:

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably ticked off.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day because, then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?

9. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

Those aren't jokes; they're all too TRUE! :shocked: