Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.”
His buddy says: “Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.
She's after me 3 and 4 times a day,I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (65+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that ****."

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

The origin of yodeling -

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry."

So she prepared a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn. And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.

"How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO...."

:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

This one is just for you, Denham.



Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful looks and charm.

She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her tomarry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."


:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Little Billy is pulling a dead frog on a rope as he walks into a brothel. He walks up to the madam and says loudly and proudly, "I want to have sex with Monica."

The madam says, "but you're just a boy, you can't be here."

Billy pulls out $3000 dollars and says, "I am a paying customer, and I want to have sex with Monica."

The madam looks at the cash and thinks that they could use it. "Okay, little boy. But why do you want to have sex with Monica? There are a lot of women here?"

Billy replies, "I heard she has chlamydia."

The madam starts laughing and says, "Why in the world would you want to knowingly have sex with someone who has chlamydia?"

Billy takes a couple steps closer, and he says "Well you see, my parents are going out to dinner tonight and I'm going to have sex with my babysitter. I know that when my daddy takes her home, he's going to have sex with the babysitter. Then tomorrow, he'll have sex with my mom, and then the next day, my mom will have sex with the mailman, and the mailman's the SOB who ran over my frog!"

:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his
daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person,
'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbi
for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie
for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced
Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the
others only $19.95?'
Annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie
comes with: Ken's Truck, Ken's House, Ken's Fishing Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's Friends,

 

[spacetiger]

One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his
daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person,
'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbi
for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie
for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced
Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the
others only $19.95?'
Annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie
comes with: Ken's Truck, Ken's House, Ken's Fishing Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's Friends,

and a country song titled, "I got everything"

 

[cuznjohn]

lets see if i get banned for this joke

a man walks into a bar and sits next to the most beautiful red head he ever saw, after his first drink he ordered another and asked the girl if he could but her a drink, and she said sure. so after buying her a few drinks he said, can i ask you a question, she said sure go ahead.

he said, WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH ME FOR A MILLION DOLLARS, she looked him up and down and said, SURE I WOULD. after that drink he said could i ask another question, she said sure, he asked WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH ME FOR 500 THOUSAND DOLLARS, once again she looked him over and said YES I WOULD.

two drinks later he looked at her and said, WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH ME FOR 5 BUCKS, at that point the lady looked him square in the eyes and said, WHAT KIND OF WOMAN DO YOU THINK I AM FOR 5 BUCKS, at which point he said,

WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU ARE, NOW WE ARE NEGOTIATING PRICE

wait for my pm from lamont lol

 

[mowin]

lets see if i get banned for this joke

a man walks into a bar and sits next to the most beautiful red head he ever saw, after his first drink he ordered another and asked the girl if he could but her a drink, and she said sure. so after buying her a few drinks he said, can i ask you a question, she said sure go ahead.

he said, WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH ME FOR A MILLION DOLLARS, she looked him up and down and said, SURE I WOULD. after that drink he said could i ask another question, she said sure, he asked WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH ME FOR 500 THOUSAND DOLLARS, once again she looked him over and said YES I WOULD.

two drinks later he looked at her and said, WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH ME FOR 5 BUCKS, at that point the lady looked him square in the eyes and said, WHAT KIND OF WOMAN DO YOU THINK I AM FOR 5 BUCKS, at which point he said,

WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU ARE, NOW WE ARE NEGOTIATING PRICE

wait for my pm from lamont lol

Offer her $6.00 and your safe...:roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

Hey John,
Are you "Still Alive and Well"?

(I needed an excuse to listen to some Johnny!)

 

[cuznjohn]

yea been running around all day

 

[Bob Denman]

It's good to know that you're still here... :thumbup:

Oh! Regarding the thing about the woman...

When she moves back here; she's willing to keep an open mind... nojoke
I told her that she might have to buy her own jacket and helmet!

 

[cuznjohn]

what more can you ask for

 

[Bob Denman]

I just emailed you a real rib-tickler; please bring it in here! :thumbup:

 

[cuznjohn]

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack:
I forwarded it to you; and forgot to keep a copy for myself! :shocked:

Thanks! :thumbup:

 

[Iamjoey]

 

[Iamjoey]

Too funny not to pass on!!!



These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[Bob Denman]

[TABLE="width: 309"]
[TR]
[TD]THE ULTIMATE ETHNIC JOKE r&js2 エディ
[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,

... walk into a fine restaurant.



"I'm sorry," says the matre d', after scrutinizing the group...


"You can't come in here without a Thai." ã£

​

​

​

 

[cuznjohn]

:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack: lame

now remember i am Italian so i can tell this joke

after drinking all night and saying who is the better hunter, 3 men go hunting, a man from France one from Germany and a Italian.

when they meet the man from France shows up in beautiful hunting clothes and is carrying a beautiful french made hunting rifle and a fantastic hunting dog

the German showed up in some of the best made hunting clothes and a beautiful shotgun made in Germany, and had a beautiful German Shepard

the Italian guy shows up, he is wearing a pair of torn jeans, and a dirty sleeveless tee shirt, also had the worst looking mutt of a dog that was acting crazy and running all around. and a broom stick in hand

the two other guys look at him and just shrug their shoulders and they walk into the woods to hunt. after a short time the mutt starts to point and look in a tree. there was a racoon in the tree. the German guy said, i will shoot it being you don't have a gun, but the Italian said i do my own hunting. he walks over to the tree and starts to hit the tree with the broom stick. the racoon loses his footing and falls to the ground, at that point the mutt runs over to the racoon and mounts it and humps it to death. the other two hunters are amazed and the Italian just smiles and picks up the racoon. they continue to walk and and hunt again.

about 10 minutes later the mutt points again at another tree. this time there is a bob cat in the tree. the German says, you better let me shoot this one, it is a bob cat. the Italian once again looks at them and says, i do my own hunting. he walks up to the tree and once again hits the tree a few times with the stick. his dog is going totally nuts and running around the tree. all of a sudden the bob cat falls out of the tree and the dog runs up to it and mounts it and humps it to death. the other two hunters were totally amazed again and the Italian picked up the bob cat and put it into a bag.

the continue to move on and keep hunting. about a half hour later the mutt points up into a tree and this time there is a 500 pound black bear in the tree. the french and German both say at the same time, better let us shoot this one because it is a big bear. the Italian says once again, i do my own hunting. as he approaches the tree the dog is going totally nuts running and jumping at the tree to get the bear. the others are worried about what might happen and stand at the ready to shoot the bear. the Italian hits the tree 3 times with the stick, but nothing happens and the dog is getting worse with the excitement. so once again he hit the tree 3 more times and still nothing. so for some strange reason he decides to climb up in the tree. the dog is going wacko. the Italian gets onto a limb across from the bear and hits the bear with the broom stick, this only gets the bear man and the dog more nuts than it has been, he stars poking the bear with the stick and the bear with it's claws grabs the stick and pushes the Italian till he looses his balance in the tree and starts to fall off the limb. as he starts to fall to the ground the Italian man yells out to the other two hunters,,,,,, SHOOT THE DOG!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: :clap::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack: :2thumbs: