• There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.

Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

Bob Denman said:
(My Sister is married to a fella; whose family emigrated from Sicily...)
Click to expand...
For a few years I worked with a guy whose heritage was Sicilian. He made sure we understood clearly that Sicilians were not "Italian"! I mentioned one time that our management team was more dysfunctional than a family of alcoholic Sicilian brothers. "You got that right!" he said. :roflblack:
 
ONLY A GRANDMOTHER WOULD KNOW....

One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea,' which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lot of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home. My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him d rink it up. Then she said, (as only a grandma would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

​
IF YOU SEND THIS ON, YOU CAN MAKE ANOTHER GRANDPARENT, AND MAYBE A FUTURE GRANDPARENT SMILE .
​
 
Confucius Say

Confucius Say...
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs,
For merchandise downstairs.

Confucius Say...
Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.

Confucius Say...
Man with broken condom
Often called Daddy

Confucius Say...
Sex is same as bank account.
You put it in, you take it out....you lose interest.

Confucius Say...
Viagra just like Disneyland ...
One hour wait for 5 minute ride.

Confucius Say...
Much better to want the mate you do not have
Than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say...
Joke is like sex.
Neither any good if you don't get it.


 
HIGH URINALS

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help."





 

[TD="colspan: 2"] TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 1.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Never take a beer to a job interview.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 2.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 3.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 4..






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 5.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 566, colspan: 2"] DINING OUT






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 1.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 2.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 566, colspan: 2"] ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 1.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 2.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 566, colspan: 2"] PERSONAL HYGIENE






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 1.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 2.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 3.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 566, colspan: 2"] DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 1.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 2.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.'






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 3.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 4.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya' sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'






[/TD]

[TD="width: 566, colspan: 2"] WEDDINGS






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 1.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 2.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 3.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance..






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 4.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 5.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 566, colspan: 2"] DRIVING ETIQUETTE






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 1.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 2.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 3.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 4.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 5.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 6.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 566, colspan: 2"] TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 1.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] All the DNA is the same.






[/TD]

[TD="width: 22"] 2.






[/TD]
[TD="width: 544"] There are no dental records






[/TD]
 
Home Security

Now that I'm on a fixed income, I've disconnected my home alarm system,
turned off my external lights and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front garden, one at each corner,
and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

Local Police, Federal Police, the Army and all my neighbors are watching the house 24/7.
I am watched everywhere I go.

I've never felt safer, and I'm saving $149.50 a month​







​



​


​
 
The good old days

10418454_895437817135593_5257570416572587972_n.jpg

 
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning,
I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
 
OFF COLOR

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
To which the husband replied: "I'm watching the game with my son-in-law!"
 
Last edited:
cuznjohn said:
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
Click to expand...

To which the husband replied: "I'm watching the game with my son-in-law!"
 
Hi folks,

If this one has been posted before, I apologize.

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things peopleactually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by courtreporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were takingplace.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

:banghead::banghead::banghead:

Jerry Baumchen
My son is an attorney
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

RPM
Is the Reverse light bulb also a 2621A bulb?
Replies
9
Views
427
EdMat
EdMat
Kandiman
Check engine light - what to check?
Replies
14
Views
475
DickB
DickB
Y-me
Uh oh, electrical gremlins - headlights not working; hole burnt by plate light?
Replies
0
Views
1K
Y-me
Y-me
ARtraveler
A Christmas Present Idea
Replies
8
Views
353
racoon
racoon
Peter Aawen
  • Locked
  • Sticky
PLEASE ATTACH ALL PICTURES/IMAGES AS THUMBNAILS!
Replies
0
Views
186
Peter Aawen
Peter Aawen
Back
Top