Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

Caution: Language...

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:



There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.



One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.



Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.



"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single *******, queer, piece of ****, horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist left wing *****lover, blind bastard, dip****, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"



We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun.



Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

 

[Blue Star]

Senior Love.......

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

 

[Blue Star]

Subject: lost my eye glasses

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. Like sitting around the pool and drinking Crown is not a good thing.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this, and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are in your 60s, retired, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week."
The line went quiet and my son-in-law picked up the phone and said that she had fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be a hell of a lot of fun.

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[SNOOPY]

roflmao

 

[Blue Star]

The Ocean, ALL you Need to Know!!

Children Writing About the Ocean.

​

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breathes through an a*****e on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better
off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has
just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right
up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: From the mouths of babes... :roflblack: :clap: :2thumbs:

 

[Bob Denman]

And Speaking of Babes...

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[retread]

Wife texts husband-"Windows frozen, won't open"

Husband to wife- "Gently pour some warm water on it"

Wife to husband- "Computer really messed up now"


john

 

[Blue Star]

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.


.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while

.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.


And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so...


Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:


1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.


2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.


4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?


7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.


8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.


9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.


10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.


11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.


12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.


13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.


14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.



15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.



16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . .they're everywhere.



17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.



18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what am I "hereafter".


19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE ? ??


Have a great year - if you can remember which year it is --- I'm not sure.







​

 

[Blue Star]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]He was in blissful ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as he enjoyed the moment.

His wife moved forwards, then backwards, forwards, then backwards again... and again...and again, back and forth...back and forth...

in and out...in and out...in and out...........in and out, ever so slowly and gently trying to draw in and use every inch.

Her heart was pounding...pounding that she felt it would burst from her chest......her face was flushed............she was dripping with perspiration, then she moaned, oh so softly at first, then she began to groan louder and louder and louder.

Till finally and totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream, a scream that shook him to the very core and she shuddered to a sudden halt.

Her whole body was taut and stretched her face like crimson, finally gasping for every breath she said:

"OK!!, OK!! So I CAN'T parallel park the :cus: car!!!!"


[/FONT]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

Seen On A Doormat

:shocked:

 

[Bob Denman]

Where Am I?

 

[Bob Denman]

I Wonder if Snoopy Has This One?

 

[Bob Denman]

Soup of The Day

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]