Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Black Pig]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't sort yourself out, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why!'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not coming to the shop
with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your dinner.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Just look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all those sprouts are all gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You're in for it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; you'll be cold outside!'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When you fall off that swing, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

​

 

[Black Pig]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!


A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane... Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'


Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'



Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'


Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!


Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!



Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!



Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off..
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'


An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'
She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'


Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'


Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London !'



An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick twits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim

 

[Bob Denman]

Kinda brings a tear to your eye!

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall.

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.
Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where
you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up, started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[MidLifeCrisis]

I hadn't seen that in years! Very funny and frighteningly true!!!

Sent from my Xoom using Tapatalk 2

 

[Blue Star]

MURDER AT COSTCO

MURDER AT COSTCO

Tired of constantly
Being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend'
Put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.


The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.


A few Days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.


However, Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave The premises.

Under intense Questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the Newspaper, the headline declared...​

(You're going to hate me for this...)
​

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco​

 

[granpa in Cincy]

Booo Hiss

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: I bet that the lines for that sale are gonna be annoying...
Note to self: Shop at Wal-Mart this weekend instead!

 

[Blue Star]

Semper FI

A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable.


On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart mouthed punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks.



Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.


There was dead silence. He has had no trouble with discipline the whole year.

 

[Bob Denman]

I was visiting my daughter and family last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century,” she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."

I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it.

 

[draboo]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.




Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.




They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.




The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -









"Is that one word or two?"

 

[NautiBrit]

SEX AFTER DEATH
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the
first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again,
bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch, you'd be proud - lots of greens.
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back
to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day
it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit in Phoenix " .

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Yazz]

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Agent:"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Rancher:"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife sometimes."

Agent:"That's the guy I want to talk to."

Rancher:" That would be me."

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: I think that's what MOST of us businessowners feel like these days... :gaah:

 

[dannymax]

Lost kid

A little boy about 8 walked up to the security guard in a large department store and told him, "Sir, I was shopping with my Grandfather but I can't find him and now I'm lost."


"We'll find him son, what's he like?" The guard asks.


The boy replies, "Old Grandad whiskey and blondes with big boobs!"

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: Gramps?? :shocked:

 

[dannymax]

Don't drink but 'choo betcha on the other part!! :yikes:

 

[Bob Denman]

Careful... :shocked:
:lecturef_smilie: "Check your six", before putting something like that up on the screen! :yikes: :roflblack:

 

[dannymax]

I hear footsteps!! :shocked::shocked:.....:yikes: