Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[effgjamis]

Police and the taxi

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.
I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it. . . . .

 

[warp10]

good one :roflblack: :roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

A Trooper is watching the local watering-hole's parking lot late on a Saturday night. Finally he sees a guy come stumbling across the lot to a car. The poor guy can barely stand and it took him three minutes to find his keys in his front pocket... He then dropped them 4 times, scratched the side of the door trying to insert the wrong one seven times... but he somehow got into the car.
This fellow then falls over on the front seat a couple of times, blows the car horn, SOMEHOW starts the car, and takes off in a shower of gravel and unburnt fuel.
"The game is afoot", thinks the steely-eyed man with the big hat. Off he goes.
He catches the car, gets it stopped and starts questioning the "beer bottle" behind the steering wheel.
After a brief and useless conversation, he administers a Breathalizer test.
To his amazement: the guys blows a 0.0! :shocked:
How can this be?
The driver then explains,
"I'm the Designated Decoy for tonight!"

 

[Black Pig]

Some crackers on here...

 

[Bob Denman]

Would you expect anything less??? :shocked: :roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked
for most of his life.
A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. All the doctors from the
hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the
doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. With all eyes staring at him, he said, 'I am so
sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist.'
Then the proctologist fainted.

 

[Dustybell]

:yikes: :roflblack:

 

[Pennyrick]

A young lady visits the doctor complaining about a green rash on the inside of her thighs. The doctor examines her, sees the green is really there and tells her to button up and come to his office.

"From what I can see", he says, "I'd say your boyfriend rides a Harley."

"Wow," that's right she says, "how did you know that?"

"That isn't important", says the doctor. "Just tell him his ear rings aren't real gold."

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked:

:2thumbs:

 

[Trickie Dick]

A Bit of Irony

And saving the best for last

 

[Blue Star]

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

 

[Blue Star]

Almost

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

 

[Blue Star]

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

 

[Blue Star]

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '

 

[Blue Star]

Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'


Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'


Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'


A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'


A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

 

[Blue Star]

HOW TO CALL POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going
up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the
garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George
opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were
people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' He said
'No,' but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing
from me.

Then the police dispatcher said 'All patrols are busy. You should lock
your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.'
George said, 'Okay.' He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he
phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
now because I just shot them.' and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two
Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen
said to George, 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'.

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'.

I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people.

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: :roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:
Thanks for some real good 'uns! :thumbup:

 

[jvicker]

I received my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS with questions on my dependents. It puzzled me and I have been working on it ever since!!!
They questioned how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents."
I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate, and 1 useless President."
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO IN HELL DID I MISS?

 

[jvicker]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads

 

[jvicker]

Apple does it again!

Apple announced today that it has developed
a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost between $499 and $699, depending
on cup and speaker size.* This is considered a
major social breakthrough because women are
always complaining about men staring at their
breasts and not listening to them.