ThreeFeet
New member
YOU ARE DEFFINETLY NOT ALONE IN THIS GROUP!!!!
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There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.
Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
Careful....:lecturef_smilie: Please remember that we have many Spyder owners South of the Mason-Dixon line...
tconaagt
New member
Replacement Windows
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo...just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in One Year these windows would pay for themselves!
Hellloooo...It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo...just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in One Year these windows would pay for themselves!
Hellloooo...It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
retread
New member
Thoughts generated by rampant boredom;
Why does your car's speedometer got to 120 when it's illegal to go that fast?
Can you cry underwater?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of murdered?
Why do we put our 2 cents in, when it's only a penny for your thoughts? Where'd that extra penny go?
What disease did cured ham have?
If a deaf person goes to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why is bra singular, and panties plural?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Why did Kamikaze pikots wear helmets?
I people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And last, but not least. The statistics on sanity show that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends-- if they are okay, then it's you.
Why does your car's speedometer got to 120 when it's illegal to go that fast?
Can you cry underwater?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of murdered?
Why do we put our 2 cents in, when it's only a penny for your thoughts? Where'd that extra penny go?
What disease did cured ham have?
If a deaf person goes to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why is bra singular, and panties plural?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Why did Kamikaze pikots wear helmets?
I people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And last, but not least. The statistics on sanity show that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends-- if they are okay, then it's you.
Trickie Dick
New member
wedding bells
Tony, age 92, and Carmella, age 89, living in Jersey City ,are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Tony suggests they go in.
Tony addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Tony: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Tony: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Tony: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Tony: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Tony: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Tony: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Tony: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Tony: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Tony: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Tony: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Tony addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Tony: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Tony: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Tony: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Tony: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Tony: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Tony: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Tony: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Tony: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Tony: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Tony: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
tconaagt
New member
A Blonde in a Southern Church
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. It is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared! |
Last edited:
ThreeWheels
Active member
Old Age and Pride
[h=2][/h]
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam.. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I plead guilty.'
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam.. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I plead guilty.'
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
[h=2][/h]
warp10
New member
warp10
New member
they had eggs
This
is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and
buy a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why on Earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
The husband replied, "They had eggs."
This
is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and
buy a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why on Earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
The husband replied, "They had eggs."
Bob Denman
New member
I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from
my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her
discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction
to her, she stood there and cried.. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950s (when I was in school)
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for
class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
(There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).
6. Teaching Math In 2010
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his marijuana farm.
my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her
discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction
to her, she stood there and cried.. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950s (when I was in school)
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for
class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
(There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).
6. Teaching Math In 2010
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his marijuana farm.
tconaagt
New member
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE on a dreary Thursday
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true)
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!
BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true)
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!
BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!
Bob Denman
New member
only a name
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of their different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it. So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go. Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.. Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good. Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again! So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance, "Nuts and Butts" - no way, "Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good, "Loons and Moons" - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with........
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends".
Everyone loved it....
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of their different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it. So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go. Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.. Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good. Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again! So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance, "Nuts and Butts" - no way, "Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good, "Loons and Moons" - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with........
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends".
Everyone loved it....
Bob Denman
New member
...and so do I! :clap: :roflblack:
tconaagt
New member
Retired Old Golfer
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his seventies and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."*
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his seventies and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."*
Bob Denman
New member
tconaagt
New member
Ten Thoughts to Ponder
Ten Thoughts to Ponder
Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
- - - and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last long."
Ten Thoughts to Ponder
Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
- - - and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last long."
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