Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[bjt]

(You could substitute General Motors in for Ford in this one.)




A Modern Parable.

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River

Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

Sadly, the End.









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[tconaagt]

Jenny Craig for Men

Jason calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, Jason takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up..

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same the thing happens.

On the fifth day, Jason weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised!

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, Jason is out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when Jason weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on ! the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' Jason replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

Jason lost 63 pounds that week.

 

[bjt]

Just in case you need a laugh:


Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.



Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.



By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.


S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


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P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.


S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


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P: Something loose in cockpit


S: Something tightened in cockpit


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P: Dead bugs on windshield.


S: Live bugs on back-order.


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P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.


S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


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P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.


S: Evidence removed.


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P: DME volume unbelievably loud.


S: DME volume set to more believable level.


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P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.


S: That's what friction locks are for.


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P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.


S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


*


P: Suspected crack in windshield.


S: Suspect you're right.


*


P: Number 3 engine missing.


S: Engine found on right wing after brief search


*


P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)


S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.


*


P: Target radar hums.


S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


*


P: Mouse in cockpit.


S: Cat installed.


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And the best one for last


*


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.


S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[BentGamer]

Another Email

Sunday

Morning Whoopie. I will never

hear church bells ringing again without smiling.



Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,

Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her

95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her

grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart

attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two

people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking

for trouble.



Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our

advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the

church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.

Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the

Ding and out on the Dong."



She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be

alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

 

[tconaagt]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 20 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change:$29.00 Coffee: Complementary TOTAL: $29.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner; use your debit card for $40.00.

2. Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under son’s bike.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19. Remember drain plug from step 11.

20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21. Drink beer.

22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25. Begin cussing fit.

26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.

28. Beer.

29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30. Beer.

31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32. Beer.

33. Lower truck from jack stands.

34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35. Beer.

36. Test drive truck.

37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38. truck gets impounded.

39. Call loving wife, make bail.

40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.

Money spent: Parts: $50.00 DUI: $2,500.00 Impound fee: $75.00 Bail: $1,500.00 Beer: $20.00 TOTAL: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!

 

[Yazz]

Picture of an inbred cat...

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Think you're having a bad week?

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[granpa in Cincy]

Can you do this ?

· Six Basic Truths in Life:
1 . You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, it is a physical impossibility, due to the tendons within your neck.
2 . All idiots, after reading #1, will try it.
3 . And discover that #1 is a lie.
4 . You are smiling now because YOU are an idiot.
5 . You soon will share this with other idiots.
6 . There's still a stupid smile on your face. I sincerely apologize about this, but I too, am an idiot, and I needed company

 

[Bob Denman]

Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina dog
chow at Target, for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was about
to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she
think, that I had an elephant?
Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told
her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the
hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my
body and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet
and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets
and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention
here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story
by now.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive
care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no;
I had stopped in
the middle of the parking lot to lick my ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a
heart attack, he was laughing so hard! Target won't let me shop there
anymore.

 

[Bob Denman]

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been
considered acceptable for use...they are as follows:
11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"
Cap. E. J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912.
10. "What the @#$% was that?"
Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$% Indians come from?"
Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
Pythagorus, 126BC
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$% ing ceiling?"
Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where @#$% am I?
Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers...My Ass!
Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
Bill Clinton, 1999
AND A DRUM ROLL PLEASE???????????????
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'get this @#$%ing mad."
Saddam Hussein, 2003

 

[Rayelljay]

From a bumper sticker

If NASA can send a man to the Moon, why can't it send them all...???

 

[Rayelljay]

'Nother one.....

Your Corvette may go zero to sixty in three seconds flat but I can go from zero to bitch in an instant...!!!

 

[Blue Star]

A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

 

[tconaagt]

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man came to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doctor, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yes, none of us could get the jar open."

 

[retread]

Simple question

I really is, but in 40 years no one has ever answered it. Can you?

The following letters represent one of the most basic progressions known to man...what is the next letter?

OTTFFSS

john

 

[wyliec]

I really is, but in 40 years no one has ever answered it. Can you?

The following letters represent one of the most basic progressions known to man...what is the next letter?

OTTFFSS

john

That would be the letter 'E'.

 

[warp10]

E is correct. should we tell them the answer?

 

[wyliec]

E is correct. should we tell them the answer?

E=eight

 

[retread]

That's a first!

Nobody has been able to answer that before. Good one!!

john

 

[tconaagt]

Turpentine

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.. The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.' The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.' The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson. '

 

[arntufun]

Why is it so difficult to solve a murder in the south ?
A. All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records.