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Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards : NAIVE
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2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly!)
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3. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
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4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?
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5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
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6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
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8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
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9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
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10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
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13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
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14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.
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16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
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17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
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19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
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22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?
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23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
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24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells... 'THEIRS'?
 
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PrairieSpyder said:
I think the number 11 should be oneteen!
Click to expand...

:agree: that's way more logical than calling 11 either Eleven or OnetyOne..... :sour: But I hafta say that even if we do go the far more reasonable Oneteen direction, from there on it does get a little more difficult, since going thru the 'teens' leads us into the Twenties, Thirties, & Forties etc, & Thir-teen is what we call the number with a 1 in the 'tens' column & a 3 in the 'units' column, ie, 13 = Thir-teen, which then leads us on thru the numbers until we hit a 3 in the tens column & a zero in the units column, ie 30 = Thir-ty; while 14 = For-teen & carries on to For-ty; 15 = Fif-teen & then Fif-ty etc etc; then shouldn't we really be calling the number 12 = Twen-teen... - or if we go back to the Two pronunciation it should be Two-teen & Two-ty.... :dontknow: Gotta be consistent! :lecturef_smilie:

:thumbup: Doesn't that make a whole lot more sense & make it all so clear & easy?! :rolleyes:
 
Last edited:
Peter Aawen said:
:agree: that's way more logical than calling 11 either Eleven or OnetyOne..... :sour: But I hafta say that even if we do go the far more reasonable Oneteen direction, from there on it does get a little more difficult, since going thru the 'teens' leads us into the Twenties, Thirties, & Forties etc, & Thir-teen is what we call the number with a 1 in the 'tens' column & a 3 in the 'units' column, ie, 13 = Thir-teen, which then leads us on thru the numbers until we hit a 3 in the tens column & a zero in the units column, ie 30 = Thir-ty; while 14 = For-teen & carries on to For-ty; 15 = Fif-teen & then Fif-ty etc etc; then shouldn't we really be calling the number 12 = Twen-teen... - or if we go back to the Two pronunciation it should be Two-teen & Two-ty.... :dontknow: Gotta be consistent! :lecturef_smilie:

:thumbup: Doesn't that make a whole lot more sense & make it all so clear & easy?! :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

Wow. You gave that a lot more thought than I did. :thumbup:
 
Pet bird

I've been lonely lately so I decided to go to the pet store an get a bird that would talk to me. I came upon a very unusual looking bird with a look of fear on his face. The sign on the cage said this was an Oh-Oh Bird. It got its name because it has 6" testicles and 3" legs. Every time it comes in for a landing, it squawks, "Oh-Oh Oh-Oh!":yikes::yikes:
 
Scotch With 2 Drops of Water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today. 'The bartender says' well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.

'As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says 'thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says ‘thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies 'sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor... Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
 
SpyderConvert said:
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today. 'The bartender says' well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.

'As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says 'thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says ‘thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies 'sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor... Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
Click to expand...

Just to make it clear, this lady is drinking her scotch correctly regardless of whether she can or cannot hold her water. Most bartenders are not taught how to pour single malt scotch. You pour enough single malt into a tulip shaped tasting glass to fill the bell and come about 1/2 way up the top part of the bell. then you place a straw into a bottle of mineral water, extract the water and put two drops into the scotch. Then allow the scotch to breathe whilst you gently swirl the glass allowing the water to release the subtle nose and flavors. Take a wee sip and hold it under your tongue, gently swirling the liquid as you do so, for a few seconds then swallow. Never ever "knock back" a single malt. Scotch whisky is made to savor and enjoy, not to drink.

Now pour yourself a wee dram of "th' water of life" and enjoy life...………….
 
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kep-up said:
Just to make it clear, this lady is drinking her scotch correctly regardless of whether she can or cannot hold her water. Most bartenders are not taught how to pour single malt scotch. You pour enough single malt into a tulip shaped tasting glass to fill the bell and come about 1/2 way up the top part of the bell. then you place a straw into a bottle of mineral water, extract the water and put two drops into the scotch. Then allow the scotch to breathe whilst you gently swirl the glass allowing the water to release the subtle nose and flavors. Take a wee sip and hold it under your tongue, gently swirling the liquid as you do so, for a few seconds then swallow. Never ever "knock back" a single malt. Scotch whisky is made to savor and enjoy, not to drink.

Now pour yourself a wee dram of "th' water of life" and enjoy life...………….
Click to expand...


That's way too much trouble and far too sophisticated for me, but it is interesting. Just get me a Bud.
 
A Couple in their nineties sare both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write
it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"
 
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