Bob Denman
New member
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There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.
Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
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cuznjohn
New member
a ba rump bump
A young bride was cooking a roast for her new husband. He noticed she cut some meat off of each end before putting in the pan. He asked "why?" and she said "because my mother did it." He asked the mother and she said "because my mother did it." He asked the grandmother and she said "so it would fit in the pan I used."
A young bride was cooking a roast for her new husband. He noticed she cut some meat off of each end before putting in the pan. He asked "why?" and she said "because my mother did it." He asked the mother and she said "because my mother did it." He asked the grandmother and she said "so it would fit in the pan I used."
Bob Denman
New member
Who doesn't love a good joke about Wieners?
vided
New member
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin,
Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
Then he made love to her all day,
Made love to her all night,
Made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ??
OH, come on... Take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows..
You can't kill Two Birds
With OneStone !!!
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin,
Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
Then he made love to her all day,
Made love to her all night,
Made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ??
OH, come on... Take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows..
You can't kill Two Birds
With OneStone !!!
Bob Denman
New member
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
A burglar breaks into a house quietly with a lock pick set.
While looking around in the dark with a flashlight, he hears the words, "I see you and Jesus does too!"
He freezes for a second and tries to find where the voice came from.
Again, he hears it, "I see you and Jesus does too!"
Finally, he trains his flashlight on a parrot in a cage. "Aw, shut up! You're nothing but a damn parrot!"
To which the parrot replies sarcastically, "Well yeah, but Jesus is a Doberman!"
"GRRRRRRRRR...."
:shocked:
Jerry Baumchen
A burglar breaks into a house quietly with a lock pick set.
While looking around in the dark with a flashlight, he hears the words, "I see you and Jesus does too!"
He freezes for a second and tries to find where the voice came from.
Again, he hears it, "I see you and Jesus does too!"
Finally, he trains his flashlight on a parrot in a cage. "Aw, shut up! You're nothing but a damn parrot!"
To which the parrot replies sarcastically, "Well yeah, but Jesus is a Doberman!"
"GRRRRRRRRR...."
:shocked:
Jerry Baumchen
Bob Denman
New member
[FONT="]Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]looking like he'd just been run over by a train[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]his face is cut and bruised[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT] [FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]and he's walking with a limp[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT]
[FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]"[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]W[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]hat happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]"[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]J[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]amie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]"[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]T[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]hat [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT]little ****[FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="], O'Conner," says Sean,[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]"he couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]"[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]T[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]hat he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]a[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT][FONT="]nd a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]" [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]W[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]ell," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT]didn't you have something in your hand?"[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]"[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]T[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]hat I did," said Paddy.[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT]"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of[FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="][/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
[/FONT]
[FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]"[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]W[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]hat happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]"[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]J[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]amie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]"[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]T[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]hat [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT]little ****[FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="], O'Conner," says Sean,[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]"he couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]"[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]T[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]hat he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]a[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT][FONT="]nd a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]" [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]W[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]ell," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT]didn't you have something in your hand?"[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]"[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]T[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]hat I did," said Paddy.[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT]"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of[FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="][/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
SpyderConvert
Member
Lawyer Joke
A lawyer opened the door of his fancy new BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW,
that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh (^%*....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"
A lawyer opened the door of his fancy new BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW,
that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh (^%*....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"
SpyderConvert
Member
Another Lawyer Joke
A lawyer a Hindu and a Muslim were travelling together and late in the evening they stop at a farmhouse to see if they can get accommodations for the night. The farmer is agreeable to putting them up but he says there is only room for two in the house, so one member of the party must stay in the barn. The Hindu says, "I am a peaceful man by my religion, so I will gladly make the small sacrifice of sleeping in the barn. So off he goes to the barn.
A few minutes later there is a knock on the door and it is the Hindu. He says, "There is a cow in the barn and my religion will not allow me to share quarters with an animal so sacred." So the Muslim says, "My religion has no rules against sharing quarters with a cow, so I will spend the night in the barn." So off he goes to the barn.
A few minutes later there is a knock on the door and it is the Muslim. He says, "There is a pig in the barn and my religion will not allow me to share quarters with so unclean an animal." At that, the lawyer throws up his hands and says, "Oh for Pete's sake, I'll go spend the night in the barn. I don't have any bothersome religion that will prevent me from sharing quarters with these animals. So off he goes to the barn.
A few minutes later there is a knock on the door.
It's the cow and the pig....
A lawyer a Hindu and a Muslim were travelling together and late in the evening they stop at a farmhouse to see if they can get accommodations for the night. The farmer is agreeable to putting them up but he says there is only room for two in the house, so one member of the party must stay in the barn. The Hindu says, "I am a peaceful man by my religion, so I will gladly make the small sacrifice of sleeping in the barn. So off he goes to the barn.
A few minutes later there is a knock on the door and it is the Hindu. He says, "There is a cow in the barn and my religion will not allow me to share quarters with an animal so sacred." So the Muslim says, "My religion has no rules against sharing quarters with a cow, so I will spend the night in the barn." So off he goes to the barn.
A few minutes later there is a knock on the door and it is the Muslim. He says, "There is a pig in the barn and my religion will not allow me to share quarters with so unclean an animal." At that, the lawyer throws up his hands and says, "Oh for Pete's sake, I'll go spend the night in the barn. I don't have any bothersome religion that will prevent me from sharing quarters with these animals. So off he goes to the barn.
A few minutes later there is a knock on the door.
It's the cow and the pig....
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
Dearest Dad,I am coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. As you know, I am presently living in Australia ... and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.
Lots of love and thanks. Your favorite daughter, Lilly
DAD'S RESPONSE:
My Dearest Lilly, Like Wow! Really? Cool! I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have a honeymoon on Tango,
buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.
Love, Your Dad
Lots of love and thanks. Your favorite daughter, Lilly
DAD'S RESPONSE:
My Dearest Lilly, Like Wow! Really? Cool! I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have a honeymoon on Tango,
buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.
Love, Your Dad
PrairieSpyder
New member
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One's a scum sucking, bottom-feeding scavenger. The other one's a fish!
One's a scum sucking, bottom-feeding scavenger. The other one's a fish!
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked:
Bob Denman
New member
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!
He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!
He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.
vided
New member
TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, "WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"
THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."
"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED,AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT
THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO".
WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS,AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.
HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."
THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."
"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED,AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT
THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO".
WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS,AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.
HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."
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