Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Cavman]

Grandpa

There was a family gathering, with all generations around
the table. Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into
Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself
because he had to go to the bathroom. When he returned,
however, his trousers are wet all over.
'What happened, Grandpa?' asked his concerned children.
'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom.
So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it
wasn't mine, so I put it back!'

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: That could happen... nojoke

 

[vided]

 

[UtahPete]

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!

He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

Good one. Wife almost spilled her wine laughing.

 

[Bob Denman]

:lecturef_smilie: Just don't ever make that same mistake!

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost ... it's a man thing.

:banghead:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[kep-up]

As a piper meself, I can relate.

 

[Bob Denman]

Hi folks,

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost ... it's a man thing.

:banghead:

Jerry Baumchen

"Ashes to ashes, and crap: to crap." ray:

 

[kep-up]

Not sure what you are insinuating Mr. Denman, but I think I ain't likin' it very much!

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack: They buried a septic tank... :dontknow:

 

[Lew L]

He is not " insinuating" ANYTHING...............................

Its a jokenojoke:joke:nojoke:joke:

 

[Bob Denman]

No shot at the Bagpiper: I enjoy their sound! :2thumbs:
(If they're playing the right music! :joke

 

[UtahPete]

No shot at the Bagpiper: I enjoy their sound! :2thumbs:
(If they're playing the right music! :joke

Quoting one of the commenters on YouTube: [FONT=&quot]Now that's entertaining! He's HOT!! An Australian man in a leather kilt, with a mohawk playing the bagpipes--what's NOT to like?? Great stuff!!
[/FONT]

 

[Bob Denman]

Quoting one of the commenters on YouTube: Now that's entertaining! He's HOT!! An Australian man in a leather kilt, with a mohawk playing the bagpipes--what's NOT to like?? Great stuff!!

Throw in a Halloween mask, and a pet Tiger: :clap::firstplace: :2thumbs:

 

[SpyderConvert]

Swanky Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The
Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to
go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued
and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to
bed and there was no need for his good time being
spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife,
after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened
without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go
the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and
a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive
babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry
and devoted his time to the new babe that had just
arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally,
since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a
little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off
they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away,
went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for
his behavior .

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she
asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the
same old thing. You know I never have a good time
when you're not there."

"Did you dance much?"
"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so
we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.

 

[SpyderConvert]

A Day in the Diary of a BMW Owner

This was written with driving in the UK in mind but you should get the general idea.

The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road!

I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn. Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver’s licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.)

But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!

See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!

 

[Black Pig]

A few years back that would most definitely have been the case, to bring the story up to date replace BMW with AUDI then you get a 100% accurate description.

 

[ofdave]

 

[Bob Denman]

View attachment 152035

If that was isn't: this one ! :roflblack:

 

[vided]

• This doctor should have thought it through first.

An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.”


The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.


The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained…


“Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.


“She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.


We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”


The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor? Good heavens!”


The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”
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