Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(O.M.G.!!!)
Is that why they are always squealing?

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig!!!)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home;maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

 

[Blue Star]

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

My wife agrees :shocked:

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

My wife said she is never calling me a pig again

 

[SpyderConvert]

Irony

Once in a while we just have to stand back in awe of government.

The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture,
is proud to be distributing the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever –
46 million people now receive Food Stamps.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior,
asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."
Their stated reason for the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on
handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."


Thus ends today's lesson in irony.

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

My wife agrees :shocked:

My wife said she is never calling me a pig again

In that case: be a Lion for her!! :clap: :bowdown:

 

[SpyderConvert]

A Midget Down In Texas (Groaner)

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to
drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants.
The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.
The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head
and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle,
he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor again, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement
that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk
around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and
discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied,
"Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

 

[vided]

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A woman found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she called her veterinarian. The vet found out that the problem was hair in the ear. The vet cleaned both of its ears and miraculously the dog could hear just fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring, she could go to the store and get some NAIR hair remover and put it in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some NAIR hair remover and at the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says, " I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "Oh. Well, if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[cptjam]

Hi folks,

A woman found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she called her veterinarian. The vet found out that the problem was hair in the ear. The vet cleaned both of its ears and miraculously the dog could hear just fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring, she could go to the store and get some NAIR hair remover and put it in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some NAIR hair remover and at the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says, " I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "Oh. Well, if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

Funny!!

 

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[vided]

Hahaha

 

[Bob Denman]

Apologies in advance!

A fellow of Oriental Descent was visiting New York City.
Every couple of days, he would go down to the Bank, and exchange his Chinese currency, for American dollars.
After several trips to the Bank: he realized that he got fewer dollars than before.
In his broken English; he asked the teller why he was getting less money.
She tried (In her New York City Attitude) to explain it with as few words as possible... :gaah:
But the poor fellow just wasn't getting it. :shocked:
Finally, she just blurted out "Fluctuations"!

The Guy took a step back, and started screaming:
"NoNoNo Fructumellicans!!!"

 

[PrairieSpyder]

"Fluct" -WHO??

 

[Bob Denman]

pps:

In my defense: I spent most of the morning getting some insulin pump training... It was the best that I could come up with on short notice. pps:

 

[cuznjohn]

 

[Bob Denman]

Cuzn,
Thanks! I'm heading to Autozone today: do you want me to pick you up an adjustable powerband for your GMC?

 

[Bob Denman]

This one is bound to upset some folks: I'll apologize now, and explain that I thought that the punchline just made the whole thing funny!

A Question of Benefits...


Dear Sir,

I have a very complicated benefits question.
Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18 year old daughter.

After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of
times, and he fell in love with my step daughter.

My father eventually married her without my authorization.

As a result my step-daughter became my step mother and my father
became my son in law.

My father's wife (also my step daughter) and my step-mother, gave
birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my
step daughter's mother.

This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.

As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the
mother of my father's wife.

Therefore it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who
became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife,
and my uncle.

My son is also my step mother’s brother, and through my step-mother,
my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law and my step
mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare
benefits?

Sincerely yours,

Mohammed Abu Laden Habib



THE ANSWER:

Of course, you qualify Mohammed! I have arranged to start mailing the
checks to all of you just as soon as you arrive here in California.

Yours faithfully,

Jerry Brown

 

[mowin]

:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack: