Bob Denman
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:roflblack: See post #2913... :clap:
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There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.
Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
I'll Admit It Now...
Bob Denman
New member
I feel so much better; now that I've finally admitted it! :clap: Oh! I also want my own bathrooms! :thumbup:
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Bob Denman
New member
SpyderConvert
Member
Mass Hypnosis at the Senior Center (Oldie but Goodie)
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center. After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see
"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch." The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were all hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
"S_ _T," shouted Claude.
It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited back again.
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center. After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see
"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch." The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were all hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
"S_ _T," shouted Claude.
It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited back again.
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked:
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: :banghead:
- Hello! Gordon's Pizza?
- No sir, it is Google Pizza.
- So, I have the wrong number?
- No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza.
- OK. Take my order please ..
- Well sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? How do you know me?
- According to your caller ID, the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, thick crust ...
- OK! OK! That's it.
- Sir, may I suggest to you this time ricotta cheese, arugula with sun-dried tomatoes?
- No, I hate vegetables.
- But your cholesterol is high!
- How do you know?
- Through the Lab subscriber's guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
- Okay, but I want my regular pizza, I already take medicine.
- But sir, you have not taken your medicine regularly. Four months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drugsale Network.
- I bought more from another drugstore.
- It is not showing on your credit card.
- I paid in cash.
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement.
- I have other sources of cash.
- This is not showing on your last Income-Tax return, unless you got it from an undeclared source.
- WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without Wi-Fi or internet. Where there are no cell phones or satellites to spy on me.
- I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport, as it has expired 5 weeks ago!
- Hello! Gordon's Pizza?
- No sir, it is Google Pizza.
- So, I have the wrong number?
- No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza.
- OK. Take my order please ..
- Well sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? How do you know me?
- According to your caller ID, the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, thick crust ...
- OK! OK! That's it.
- Sir, may I suggest to you this time ricotta cheese, arugula with sun-dried tomatoes?
- No, I hate vegetables.
- But your cholesterol is high!
- How do you know?
- Through the Lab subscriber's guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
- Okay, but I want my regular pizza, I already take medicine.
- But sir, you have not taken your medicine regularly. Four months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drugsale Network.
- I bought more from another drugstore.
- It is not showing on your credit card.
- I paid in cash.
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement.
- I have other sources of cash.
- This is not showing on your last Income-Tax return, unless you got it from an undeclared source.
- WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without Wi-Fi or internet. Where there are no cell phones or satellites to spy on me.
- I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport, as it has expired 5 weeks ago!
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Bob Denman
New member
cuznjohn
New member
A guys steps into an elevator and there is a attractive woman inside. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast.
He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me."
She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your thing is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204."
He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me."
She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your thing is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204."
Bob Denman
New member
:clap: That kid must be from Texas... :2thumbs:
Bob Denman
New member
JerryB
New member
[TABLE="class: yiv1938950706m_4392102924880684684m_-2980447831756826708yiv8229157699MsoNormalTable"]
[TR]
[TD]Hi folks,
Ray and Bob, two maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder."
The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. "Well, ain't that just like a 'Miss-Know-It-All' woman?" he said. "We need the height and she gives us the length!"
:banghead:
Jerry Baumchen
[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
[TR]
[TD]Hi folks,
Ray and Bob, two maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder."
The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. "Well, ain't that just like a 'Miss-Know-It-All' woman?" he said. "We need the height and she gives us the length!"
:banghead:
Jerry Baumchen
[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
vided
New member
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
SpyderConvert
Member
A Heart-Warming Tale
Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what:
Metal
Wood
Stone
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The King was over joyed. Everybody in the kingdom was over joyed.
And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the Prince's pants
Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what:
Metal
Wood
Stone
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The King was over joyed. Everybody in the kingdom was over joyed.
And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the Prince's pants
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her a$$ that said...'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'"
:yikes:
Jerry Baumchen
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her a$$ that said...'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'"
:yikes:
Jerry Baumchen
Bob Denman
New member
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