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Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
A 90 year old man is having his annual check-up.
The doctor asks him how he is doing.
"I've never been better!" he replies. "I have an 18 year old bride who is pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment and then says: "Well, let me tell you a story: I know a guy who is an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day, he is in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he walks in the woods near a creek and he spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. *BAM*, the beaver drops dead in front of him.
"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief. "someone else must have shot that beaver!"
"Exactly," says the doctor.
:yikes:
Jerry Baumchen
A 90 year old man is having his annual check-up.
The doctor asks him how he is doing.
"I've never been better!" he replies. "I have an 18 year old bride who is pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment and then says: "Well, let me tell you a story: I know a guy who is an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day, he is in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he walks in the woods near a creek and he spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. *BAM*, the beaver drops dead in front of him.
"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief. "someone else must have shot that beaver!"
"Exactly," says the doctor.
:yikes:
Jerry Baumchen
IdahoMtnSpyder
Active member
Reminds me of this one.
Ol' Farmer John, nearly eighty years old, comes into town and runs into Banker Fred. "John, how you doin'? Your wife passed away awhile back, didn't she? How's the adjustment coming along?"
"That's right. It's been two years now, but things are looking good. You know, I'm getting married next week! Nice young healthy energetic good looking woman, 32 years old! Met her on the internet!"
Banker Fred gets to thinking ol' John is going to need some help keeping this lady down on the farm, so he says, "John, I got an idea for ya. You're getting up there in years where taking care of that farm is probably getting to be a bit much for you, even though you do have most of it rented out. I think you should get you a young tough energetic hired hand. Then you and the new missus can travel, take cruises, and just enjoy life. You deserve it!"
"By George, that's a wonderful idea," John exclaims.
A few months later John is in town again and runs into Banker Fred. "John, how ya doin'? How's things with the new wife?"
Ol' John says, "Just absolutely wonderful! In fact the wife is pregnant wouldn't you know?"
"Hmm," Fred thinks. "Tell me John, did you get yourself a hired hand, and how's that working out?"
"Yes I did. I'm glad you suggested I do that. And believe it not, she's pregnant too!"
Ol' Farmer John, nearly eighty years old, comes into town and runs into Banker Fred. "John, how you doin'? Your wife passed away awhile back, didn't she? How's the adjustment coming along?"
"That's right. It's been two years now, but things are looking good. You know, I'm getting married next week! Nice young healthy energetic good looking woman, 32 years old! Met her on the internet!"
Banker Fred gets to thinking ol' John is going to need some help keeping this lady down on the farm, so he says, "John, I got an idea for ya. You're getting up there in years where taking care of that farm is probably getting to be a bit much for you, even though you do have most of it rented out. I think you should get you a young tough energetic hired hand. Then you and the new missus can travel, take cruises, and just enjoy life. You deserve it!"
"By George, that's a wonderful idea," John exclaims.
A few months later John is in town again and runs into Banker Fred. "John, how ya doin'? How's things with the new wife?"
Ol' John says, "Just absolutely wonderful! In fact the wife is pregnant wouldn't you know?"
"Hmm," Fred thinks. "Tell me John, did you get yourself a hired hand, and how's that working out?"
"Yes I did. I'm glad you suggested I do that. And believe it not, she's pregnant too!"
mowin
New member
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
As Ronald Reagan said:
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
As Ronald Reagan said:
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
Bob Denman
New member
PrairieSpyder
New member
If you want to kill a bunch of clowns, go for the juggler!
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
Difference between Airplanes and Women!
Airplanes usually kill you quickly - women take their time.
Airplanes can be turned on with a flick of a switch
Airplanes don't get mad if you do a touch and go!
Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection!
Airplanes comes with manuals to explain their operations.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
Airplanes don't mind how many other airplanes you have flown before.
Airplanes and pilots arrive at the same time.
Airplanes expect to be tied down.
Airplanes don't comment on your flying skills.
Airplanes don't whine unless there is something seriously wrong!
However, when an airplane goes quiet, like a woman, it's usually not a good sign!
:yes:
So, who's up for taking flying lessons?
Jerry Baumchen
Difference between Airplanes and Women!
Airplanes usually kill you quickly - women take their time.
Airplanes can be turned on with a flick of a switch
Airplanes don't get mad if you do a touch and go!
Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection!
Airplanes comes with manuals to explain their operations.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
Airplanes don't mind how many other airplanes you have flown before.
Airplanes and pilots arrive at the same time.
Airplanes expect to be tied down.
Airplanes don't comment on your flying skills.
Airplanes don't whine unless there is something seriously wrong!
However, when an airplane goes quiet, like a woman, it's usually not a good sign!
:yes:
So, who's up for taking flying lessons?
Jerry Baumchen
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
A real man:
A guy brings a girl home from the bar and things start to get hot and heavy.
The girl asks, "Do you have a condom?"
To which he replies. "Yes, they are in the drawer, right next to the rattlesnake. Go ahead and grab one."
Astonished she asks "Why is there a rattlesnake in your condom drawer and why do you want me to grab one."
"Because I don't f*** with either one of them."
:shocked:
Jerry Baumchen
A real man:
A guy brings a girl home from the bar and things start to get hot and heavy.
The girl asks, "Do you have a condom?"
To which he replies. "Yes, they are in the drawer, right next to the rattlesnake. Go ahead and grab one."
Astonished she asks "Why is there a rattlesnake in your condom drawer and why do you want me to grab one."
"Because I don't f*** with either one of them."
:shocked:
Jerry Baumchen
vided
New member
SATAN
A few minutes before church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for Bill Clinton, who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Satan walked up to Bill and said, "Do you know who I am?"
Clinton replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said Clinton, calm as a clam.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," replied Bill, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was Clinton's calm reply.
"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said Bill.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
Bill Clinton calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 40 years."
A few minutes before church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for Bill Clinton, who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Satan walked up to Bill and said, "Do you know who I am?"
Clinton replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said Clinton, calm as a clam.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," replied Bill, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was Clinton's calm reply.
"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said Bill.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
Bill Clinton calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 40 years."
Tech Support
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications that will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck! Tech support
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications that will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck! Tech support
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: There's too much truth in there... :shocked:
Bob Denman
New member
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.
On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the
palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.
He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very
high wages. He gave me a very different forecast.
I trust him and I will continue on my way."
So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky.
The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious
and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.
I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
The practice is unbroken to this date.
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.
On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the
palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.
He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very
high wages. He gave me a very different forecast.
I trust him and I will continue on my way."
So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky.
The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious
and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.
I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
The practice is unbroken to this date.
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