Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

 

[PrairieSpyder]

CuznJohn's post about being paranoid made me think of this old joke:

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

• If you are obsessive-compulsive: Press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are co-dependent: Ask someone to press 2 for you.
• If you have multiple personalities: Press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
• If you are paranoid: We know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
• If you are delusional: Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
• If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are manic-depressive: It doesn't matter what number you press - no-one will answer.
• If you are dyslexic: Press 969696969696969696.
• If you have a nervous disorder: Please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
• If you have amnesia: Press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
• If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
• If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
• If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
• If you have short term memory loss: Press 9.
• If you have low self esteem: Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

 

[vided]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hRH1tYD6bow

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack: :agree: :roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[agedbikeman]

Latest Farkle

This is my latest farkle

I call it SPYDER GARDENING:gaah:

 

[Machinegunner]

Bob, That certainly puts a new spin on the current conversations, but it is appropriate.

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Two women were talking in Heaven.

'Hi Wanda!'

'Hi Sylvia, how did you die?'

'I froze to death,' says Wanda.

'That is terrible way to go,' says Sylvia.

'It wasn't so bad actually, Wanda. After I quit shaking I started to feel warm and sleepy and died peacefully. What about you Sylvia? '

'I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating on me so I came home early to catch him, but he was all by himself in the den watching TV.'

'So what happened?'

'I still had a feeling that he was with a woman, so I frantically searched the house up and down from the basement to the attic. I checked everywhere, under the beds, the closest and every room, but I found no one. I was rushing around so much I got exhausted and died of a heart attack.'

'Too bad you did not check the freezer, then both of us would still be alive!!! '

:yikes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A man goes to see a doctor as he is very worried about his wife's temper.

The doctor asks, “What’s the problem?”

The man says, “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.”

The doctor says, “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later, the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The man says, “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The doctor says, “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”

:yikes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A mother is cleaning up her 12 year old son's bedroom, when she finds lots of bondage gear and fetish magazines
She is absolutely shocked. She runs to her husband and explains what she has found and wonders how to deal with it.

The dad says, 'I am not sure, but whatever you do Do Not F***ing Spank him!

ray:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[cuznjohn]

what is the difference between a GENEALOGIST and a GYNECOLOGIST

A GENEALOGIST LOOKS UP YOUR FAMILY TREE

AND

A GYNECOLOGIST LOOKS UP YOUR FAMILY BUSH

 

[Bfromla]

Speaking of Threads.................... This is old, yet still relevant. And yes, you can find many of MY posts that fit right in.

HOW MANY GROUP POSTERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

How many to comment on the color of bulb? Soft white or new HD daylight??

 

[cuznjohn]

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: Something about Lawyers getting kicked, just makes me feel warm and fuzzy!

Jerry: Tell your Son that I'm sorry; it can't be helped!

 

[vided]

What do you call a bus load of lawyers sitting at the bottom of a gully?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
a start

 

[PrairieSpyder]

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One's a scum-sucking bottom-feeding scavenger.

The other one's a fish.

 

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

Stuff That I Think About...

· The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from
your house you can be in a robe...before you start looking like a
mental patient.

· My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread
social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

· I always wondered what the job application is like at
Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

· The speed with which a woman says "nothing" when asked
"What's wrong?"...is inversely proportional to the severity of the
crap storm that's coming.

· Denny's has a slogan, “If it's your birthday, the meal is on
us.” If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life pretty
much sucks!

· The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. Pretty
sure she's going to get me something.

· On average, an American man will have sex two to three times
a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a
year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was
Japanese.

· I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penney has an
older women's clothing line named, " Sag Harbor ".

· I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language
entirely out of tattoos.

· What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see
them pick their noses?

· Money can’t buy happiness but it keeps the kids in touch!

· The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because
nobody was married...Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober,
Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara ... And, of
course, Opie--all single. The only married person was Otis, and he
stayed drunk.

 

[Bob Denman]

Perhaps they should have built the wall??? :dontknow: