Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

The Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally
beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for
someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place
to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn't make the same
mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self preserving but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful with a mysterious past and the wisdom of ages.
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

The Geography of a Man
Between 1 and 80, a man is like North Korea, ruled by a pair of nuts!

 

[Bob Denman]

There are some who feel it is inappropriate to make fun of the holy institution of marriage.
Then there are others who know it's the only way we can live with it.

---

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing," and you can't remember what it is.

---

Not long after the marriage, Tom and his father met for lunch. "Well son," asked the dad, "how is married life treating you?"
"Not very well, I'm afraid. It seems that I married a nun."
"A nun??" his father exclaimed.
"That's right. None in the morning, none at night and none unless I beg."
The father nodded knowingly, and patted his son on the back. "Why don't we all get together for a nice talk tonight?"
Toms face brightened. "Say Dad, that's a great idea."
"Fine. I'll call and tell Mother Superior to set two extra plates."

 

[vided]

Hope this gives you a laugh or at least makes you smile today:

....

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[TD]

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?



Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"



"The whole ISIS group," she says.

"Why them," her father asks in shock?
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine,they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot.

And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore."


Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.

"Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard. "



"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the **** out of them."
[/TD]
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[Bob Denman]

:shocked:






:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:


:clap: :2thumbs:

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Always have a positive attitude:

Late in the night, a bull rider finally regained consciousness. He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms,
a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him.
He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly
and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?"

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!!!!!!!

:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

Spoken like a true Champion!! :firstplace: :clap:

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Might be an oldie, but here goes:

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

The modern wedding:

"Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon, so get out your check book. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. As you know, I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber.

My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.

Lots of love and thanks, Your favorite daughter,

Lilly."

"My Dear Lilly,

Like, Wow! Really? Cool !

Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal and when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.

Lots of love,

Dad"

:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack: Who said that "Love is dead, in this Modern Age"? :roflblack:

 

[spidergreg]

Natural Born Citizen

Nothing to do with Democrats versus Republicans -- relax. Here is our real problem.....



In a University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States .

It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen, at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.

In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant.

Sadly, not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections!

They breed....... and they walk among us.

 

[Bob Denman]

Wait 'til I tell the Missus that she disqualified Sonny-Boy, from his chance at the Oval Office... :yikes:

 

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[vided]

she looks like my happy one

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” the son asks.“

"Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.

“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

nojoke

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack: And then...




... The FIGHT started!!! :roflblack:

 

[vided]

Really, can you blame him?

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, joined the Marine Corps. On his first day in basic training, the Marine Corps issued him a comb. That afternoon, the Marine Corps barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Marine Corps issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon, the Marine Corps dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Marine Corps issued him a jock strap. The Marine Corps has been looking for Herman for 51 years.​

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

Neil Snyder, owner of the National Football League team, the
Washington Redskins, has announced that following in-depth research
into the acceptance of the team name, it is conclusive that the name
has been found offensive. Beginning with the 2017 season, Snyder is
dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be
simply known as "The Redskins." Results of the research discovered
that the word 'Washington' imparts a negative image of poor
leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and
is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football!