Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Iamjoey]

" Lunch " :roflblack::roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

:agree: :2thumbs:

 

[mowin]

The other one is dessert.

 

[Bob Denman]

You just said a mouthful! :roflblack:

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Andy Rooney on Sex:

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: That's not funny; there's too much truth in it! :gaah:

 

[mowin]

But thats what maks it funny. Did I just say that? :banghead:

 

[Bob Denman]

:lecturef_smilie: :shocked: Yes...

 

[mowin]

:lecturef_smilie: :shocked: Yes...

:shemademe_smilie:....

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack: :roflblack: :2thumbs:

 

[Bob Denman]

Jerry was in a Hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?"
The nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them sir."
Jerry pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:
"Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very very carefully ... Are-my-
test-results-back?"

 

[vided]

[TABLE="width: 408"]
[TR]
[TD]Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'


Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'


PestControl
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'



Marriage Humor
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'



-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'



--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'



------------------------------
Son: 'Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'



________________________________



A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'



------------------------------------------------------------



A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'







Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied,'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.The man then said 'When I was at the races last week,Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'





[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
​

 

[Blue Star]

HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE

Please do not Google or check this with Snopes. They will lie to you. Trust me!

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

I would not make up this stuff. [FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: :firstplace: :2thumbs:

 

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

:agree: Ground pounders RULE!! :bowdown:

 

[Bob Denman]

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should have known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

 

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

:dontknow:

Although there ARE different interpretations of the song's story...

 

[Pirate looks at --]

Huh

Please do not Google or check this with Snopes. They will lie to you. Trust me!

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

I would not make up this stuff.

.....??????????????????????????