Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[PrairieSpyder]

​The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "Mount & Do". !!

Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them!

 

[Bob Denman]

But with all of the boobs and erections hanging around ; don't you think that will prompt further research for a cure? :dontknow:

 

[Iamjoey]

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: Here's another one being put to good use...

 

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

Remember this one?

 

[Iamjoey]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical Exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previo...us day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. ‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between Her knees, but still nothing.’
The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbor?’
The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the damn jar open.’

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack: And I am thinking that the guy has the heart of an Olympic Athlete! :bowdown:

 

[vided]

An elderly gentleman...

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set
of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.


He went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased
that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed
my will three times!'


​

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[Bob Denman]

:shocked:

 

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

Rabbi Bloom and Father Michael get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are crushed but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, Rabbi Bloom sees the priest's collar and says, "Just look at our cars - there's nothing left, but we're unhurt. You're a priest and I'm a rabbi so it must be a sign from God. He must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Father Michael replies, "I agree with you completely. This truly must be a sign from God."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Rabbi Bloom then says, "Look - here's another miracle. Although my car is wrecked, this bottle of wine didn't break. God must want us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He hands the bottle to the priest.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Father Michael takes a few big swigs and passes the bottle back to Rabbi Bloom who puts the cork back in and hands it back to the priest.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Father Michael asks, "Aren't you having any wine?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"No. I think I'll just wait for the police," says Rabbi Bloom.[/FONT]

 

[Iamjoey]

"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-****tin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “

 

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

Two deer hunters hired a pilot to take them way back into the forest. After the hunt, the pilot returned and saw that they shot six deer. “The plane won’t carry six deer, you’ll have to leave two of them,” said the pilot. Unwilling to leave their deer, the hunters said “We got six on the plane last year.” The pilot gave in, and just five minutes after takeoff the plane crashed into the forest. Lucky to be alive, one of the hunters said, “Any idea where we are?” The second hunter said, “Yeah, right about where our plane went down last year.”

 

[vided]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

 

[vided]

Better than a Flu Shot!

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Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
was in her eighties
and had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned
With tea and scones, they
began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity
about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said
to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!
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[Bob Denman]

:shocked:

:yikes:

 

[Cruzr Joe]

I wish someone would start a new thread on jokes ........................ it is hard as hell to come on here every day and read 64 pages of jokes just to get to the new ones, and then find out it was just Bob agreeing with someone



Anonymous

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: WINDOWS FROZEN ~ WON'T OPEN

Husband texts back: GENTLY POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER IT & GENTLY TAP EDGES WITH HAMMER

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: COMPUTER REALLY MESSED UP NOW

:yikes:

Jerry Baumchen