Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

Watching Congress is like watching elephants mate!

It's done on a very high level, there's a lot of screaming and roaring involved, and it takes two years to see the results! :banghead:

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,


Ralph just got placed in the "lifer ward" of the state's maximum prison, to begin serving a life sentence. The warden ran a tight ship, and allowed the inmates little freedom or activities to occupy their time. So except for a brief 30 minute solitary exercise walk, the inmates spend all their time cooped up in their cell, enduring endless boredom. Most of Ralph's fellow inmates had been there a long, long time.

Ralph introduced himself to his cellmate, Cliff, an older quiet man, whose personality seemed, like most of the other inmates, to have been worn down by years of monotonous existence. Ralph unpacked the few personal belongings they allowed him to have, and then laid down on his cot, wondering how things were going to go. And how long it might be before he, too, had the spark of life drained out of him.

Hours passed with very little chit chat being exchanged between the other inmates. As darkness fell on his first night, Ralph prepared to retire for the night. Suddenly a loud yell "ONE HUNDRED THIRTEEN!" shattered the silence. Seconds later, the ward erupted in laughter.

"That was strange", Ralph thought. The laughter subsided. But then a minutes or so later, another loud yell "FIFTY SEVEN!" broke the silence, followed, seconds later, with another uproar of laughter. This "number-followed-by-laughter" was repeated a few times before Ralph ask Cliff what it was all about.

"Well," said Cliff, "most of us have been here ages. We used to entertain ourselves by telling jokes at night, when the bustle of the day was over, and the guards would be a little more lenient. But it wasn't too long before everyone had exhausted all the jokes they knew, and then repeatedly retold them over and over. Soon it got to the point were we knew what the joke was once the first few words of the joke were uttered. So to shorten the process, we assigned numbers to the jokes that we all knew. Then to tell a joke, instead of actually repeating the words of the joke, you'd just call out the number of the joke you wanted to tell."

"Hmm ... So how many jokes do you guys know?" asked Ralph.

"One hundred and twenty seven", replied Cliff. "Would you like to try telling one?"

Ralph pondered that question a bit, and thought "Why not? Seems like the only communal activity here, and I might as well try to fit in". "Sure" Ralph said, "I'll give it a go. Let me think of a number..."

"EIGHTEEN!" Ralph screamed. Silence. Three seconds, five seconds, ten seconds. Obviously there wasn't going to be any laughter.

"So what happened, Cliff? Is EIGHTEEN no longer a joke, or maybe it is a crummy joke no one really likes?"

Cliff replied: "No, 18 is a great joke, usually very funny. Perhaps it was the way you told it."

:banghead:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

The following joke is a little risque'; so you are forwarned.

Now that I know none of you will not read it, here goes:

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine.

It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" asks Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up.

So she says: "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.

"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"

:yes::yes::yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: Even if I can't tell this one to the Missus: :thumbup:

 

[Bob Denman]

Airliner Crashes into Four Houses...

One of the occupants of where this horrific crash occurred, was reported to have said,
"Man; I was scared :cus:less!"

 

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

The frozen carburetor

Something to remember with winter coming on...


People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the
positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a
frozen carburetor.

Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper

on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The
biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full- face
helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

What's the matter? Asked the Trooper

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"I can't," said the biker.

"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly
warmed the carburetor as promised.

Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers office received a note of thanks

from the father of the motorcyclist.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."

 

[PrairieSpyder]

Something to remember with winter coming on...


People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the
positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a
frozen carburetor.

Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper

on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The
biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full- face
helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

What's the matter? Asked the Trooper

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"I can't," said the biker.

"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly
warmed the carburetor as promised.

Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers office received a note of thanks

from the father of the motorcyclist.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."

:roflblack::roflblack::thumbup:

Gotta be careful about those assumptions!

 

[Iamjoey]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

 

[Joe T.]

Donald trump and the Queen

I stole this from another motorcycle site:

A private Lear jet arrives at Heathrow international airport and Donald Trump strides to a waiting limousine which drives him to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

From there, they are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire.
The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to Trump saying, "Mr. Trump, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Trump, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.



roflmao

Joe T.

 

[PrairieSpyder]

:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[cuznjohn]

a lil off color

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Princeau99]

This will tickle your fancy!

And you didn't even know it needed tickling!

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=f80_1447693224

 

[thefishknot3]

If white birds have white babies, and black birds have black babies. What kind of bird has no babies?



Swallows.

[emoji12][emoji12][emoji12][emoji12][emoji12][emoji12]


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[cuznjohn]

 

[Blue Star]

As I sat, strapped in my seat waiting during the countdown, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
-John Glenn

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
- David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.
- Howard Hughes

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
- Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
- Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
- ZsaZsaGabor

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
- Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
- Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
- Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
- Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
- Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
- Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
- W. H. Auden

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
- Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
- Arthur C Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
- Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
- Jimmy Durante

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
- Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
- George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
- Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
- Robert Benchley

The weather person is the only person that I know, that can be wrong
99.9 % of the time and still have a job the next day
-Johnny Carson

 

[Bob Denman]

The Blonde Man has arrived!!!!!!!!!!!

A blonde man is in the
bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the
shampoo?" He answers,
"Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's
for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet
with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to
me." The blonde man
says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He
spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts
frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant
and her Contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man was
driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to
swerve To avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells
the cop about all the trees in the
Road. The cop says, "That's your
air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His
wife says "Why don't
You put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the
dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife
asks. "Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in jail.
The guard looks in his cell and sees him
Hanging by his feet. "Just
WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the
guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I
couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
(This one actually
makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba
divers always fall
Backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man
replies: "If they fell Forward, they'd still be in the boat."
--------------------------------------
A friend told the blonde
man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said,
"Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blonde men find three
grenades, and they decide to take them to a police
Station.
One asked:
"What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie
and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said:
"Close your curtains the Next time you & your wife are
having sex. The whole street was
watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied:
"Well the joke's on all of you because I
wasn't even at home
yesterday."

 

[mowin]

The Blonde Man has arrived!!!!!!!!!!!

A blonde man is in the
bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the
shampoo?" He answers,
"Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's
for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet
with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to
me." The blonde man
says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He
spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts
frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant
and her Contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man was
driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to
swerve To avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells
the cop about all the trees in the
Road. The cop says, "That's your
air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His
wife says "Why don't
You put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the
dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife
asks. "Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in jail.
The guard looks in his cell and sees him
Hanging by his feet. "Just
WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the
guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I
couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
(This one actually
makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba
divers always fall
Backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man
replies: "If they fell Forward, they'd still be in the boat."
--------------------------------------
A friend told the blonde
man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said,
"Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blonde men find three
grenades, and they decide to take them to a police
Station.
One asked:
"What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie
and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said:
"Close your curtains the Next time you & your wife are
having sex. The whole street was
watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied:
"Well the joke's on all of you because I
wasn't even at home
yesterday."

Ok, Bob, who's side you on...:roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

No dog in this fight; I'm bald on top! :roflblack: