Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Indyron]

Seat 14A

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat,14A. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

 

[Bob Denman]

God's plan for aging

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

 

[cuznjohn]

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage. Maybe you should consider selling your cars, along with your gun collection."
Tom gets a horrified look on his face, and she says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife! she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Tom's reply: "I wasn't..."

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: THAT's when it got interesting! :shocked:

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

While walking down the street one day, a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

‘Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

‘No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

‘Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in H*** and one in Heaven.Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

‘Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' says the senator.

‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St.Peter escorts himto the elevator and he goes down, down, down to H***. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator raises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and thed oor re-opens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

‘Now it's time to visit Heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

‘Well, then, you've spent a day inH*** and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.‘

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in H***.‘

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to H***.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster andc aviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?‘

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning....Today you voted.'

:hun:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: You'll have to try and re-post this one early in November, 2016... :thumbup:

 

[Iamjoey]

This is how the senators friends got there before him.

 

[Iamjoey]

Two hillbillies walk into a Restaurant.

​Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 

[vided]

An attorney arrived home late,after a very tough day trying to get astay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

​

​

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on
​

him about , 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
​

Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. Ando n and on and on
​

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he pouredhimself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soakin thebathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
​

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.​

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
​

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

​

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of herhusband, bent over naked,drying his legs and​

feet.'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

​

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'TYOU EVER STOP?!'
​

​

​

 

[Bob Denman]

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to talk to the drop
dead, gorgeous flight attendant: "What is your name?"
Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir"
Businessman: "Lovely name ... any relation to Mercedes Benz?"
Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close"
Businessman: "How close?"
Flight Attendant: "Same price"

 

[mowin]

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to talk to the drop
dead, gorgeous flight attendant: "What is your name?"
Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir"
Businessman: "Lovely name ... any relation to Mercedes Benz?"
Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close"
Businessman: "How close?"
Flight Attendant: "Same price"

Yep... expensive rides...:roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill...."

Adam asked, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On
the other side of the hill you will find a cave.."

Adam asked, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I
want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the
hill, into the cave, where he finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said...



* "What's a headache?"

 

[Bob Denman]

I guess that Cowboys are getting older also... :shocked:

 

[Iamjoey]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough." :roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: That's not funny...

Did you know that it takes a very "secure" man, to use Crisco as a lubricant...
After all; it's shortening! :yikes:

 

[Bob Denman]

Where's Bob?

 

[Cruzr Joe]

:shocked: That's not funny...

Did you know that it takes a very "secure" man, to use Crisco as a lubricant...
After all; it's shortening! :yikes:

Crisco is also "Fat In The Can"

Cruzr Joe

 

[Gator37]

the Irish

AIRLINE FOOD - A TRUE STORY?

Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Aer kLingus flight from ​Dublin, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew in her lovely Irish brogue​ nervously made the following painful announcement..:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up one minute prior to take-off by our airport catering service...I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals...

I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.. , "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came four hours ​ later...

"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."

GOD BLESS THE IRISH!

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

At the age of thirty, this young man had never had sex in his life because he was so embarrassed by his small manhood.

He finally went to a plastic surgeon to seek help. The plastic surgeon had a great bedside manner and told the young man, "C'mon now, there's a lot of less than average sized men out there."

The young man says, "Doc, you really don't understand. I never take off my pants - anywhere."

So, the Doc says, "Alright, well at some point I'm going to have to see what I'm working with here, so close your eyes, drop your drawers and let me take a look." With the young man's eyes closed, the Doctor takes a look and cringes.

The young man opens his eyes and pleads with him, "Is there anything you can do to help Doc? Please tell me you can help me."

The Doctor tells the young man, "Yes, I think I can help you, but there's one catch... about the only thing I can do is sew on a small baby elephant's trunk."

The young man is so elated that he's jumping up and down for joy and says, "Let's schedule the surgery for tomorrow!!!!"

The young man goes in for surgery at 7 AM and comes out of the anesthesia around 10 AM. He looks under the covers and is astonished. He jumps out of bed and starts waving the elephant's trunk all around the place.

The Doctor comes in and tells him it was a success.

The young man asks him, "How long before I can use it?!?!?!?!"

The Doctor says, "I don't see any reason that you couldn't start tomorrow night."

The young man lunges across the room, grabs up the phone and calls a female friend of his and tells her he's been cured!!! She wasn't too sure about this, but being a good friend, she listens. He asks her out to dinner the next night. "We'll get dressed up, I'll pick you up at 8 o'clock and we'll go somewhere really fancy." She agrees.

The next night, he picks her up and takes her to the most fancy restaurant in town... has those horseshoe dining tables and booths. The Maitre'd sits the at the table he's reserved, the waiter brings out water and some warm dinner rolls.

The young man slips his arm around her and tells her that he can't wait to show her....

SUDDENLY, the small elephant's trunk sneaks out from under the table, reaches into the basket of dinner rolls and sneaks back under the table.

The lady that's with him is aghast, stunned and smitten.

He has this look of shame and embarrassment on his face.

She turns to him and looks deep into his eyes and says, "Can you make it do that again????"

The young man says, "I think so, but I don't know if my butt can handle another hot roll shoved up it."

nojoke

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflb lack::roflblack::roflblack:
But I don't think that THEY liked it... :shocked: