Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[draboo]

A businessman boards a Virgin flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies,
"Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::thumbup:
good one; Tonto!

 

[draboo]

Let us not leave out the Jews,Bob! Check out Herschel!

http://holycannoli.posterous.com/herschel-the-magnificent-Jew

 

[Bob Denman]

I just spit an ENTIRE cup of coffee out though my nose! Thanks for cleaning my sinuses out! :roflblack: :firstplace:

 

[draboo]

I just spit an ENTIRE cup of coffee out though my nose! Thanks for cleaning my sinuses out! :roflblack: :firstplace:

Glad I could help! I watched it around 4 times, and it got even funnier!

There is a whole website dedicated to "Old Jews Telling Jokes" >----> http://oldjewstellingjokes.com/

 

[Bob Denman]

"My eyesight ain't what it used to be..." :shocked:

:firstplace:

 

[Trickie Dick]

Think she was blond

A woman texts her husband one cold frosty morning.
"windows frozen over"

He texts her back
"Pour warm water over it"

10 minutes later, she texts
" Computer really a mess now"

 

[DocRags]

Steve Raterman's Obituary

Debbie goes to the Local Newspaper Office to see that the Obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.
The Obit Editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then she says,
"Well then, let it read 'Steve Raterman died.' "

Amused at the Woman's thrift, the Editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all Obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read,
'Steve Raterman Died.... GOLF CLUBS FOR SALE.' "

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack: I'm surprised that he didn't charge her for a classified ad too!

 

[draboo]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

the old lady said.... "well,Not everybody pays." :yikes: :yes:

 

[Bob Denman]

:yikes: :barf::roflblack:

 

[bruiser]

I paid!!!! :shocked:

 

[Bob Denman]

I peed! :roflblack: :shocked:

 

[bruiser]

NUTS

I tried almond milk today. Not to bad... But I still can't find the udders on those nuts. :dontknow:

 

[mowin]

A reporter asked Bill Clinton, " Bill, Hows Hillary's head?"

Bill replies. "Well, she's no Monica!!!"

 

[retired1]

:yikes::roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

A motorcycle is in with his cardiologist; getting his ticker checked out...
"Hey Doc... How come you make so much money, and I make so little? We're both basically working on nothing but pumps." He asks.
"True.", says the Sawbones, "But when I'm working on one; it's still running!"

 

[Daisyjoe]

Bob decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at his bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing.
Maybe you should sell your guns and boat".

Bob gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.

EX-wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

I wasn't.


(Well at least she didn't include the golf clubs)

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: That one wasn't funny... It was SCARY!

:roflblack::roflblack: :clap:

 

[spydee owner]

driving in Alberta Canada Blizzard

When Lena got off work up there at Lake Woebegone, it was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to get home.

She sat in the car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She remembered Bill's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snowplough to come by and follow it. That way she would not have to worry about going off the road or getting stuck in a snow drift.
Sure enough, in a little while, a snowplough went by and she pulled out and began to follow it. As she followed along behind the snowplough, she felt quite comfortable and smug as they continued on their way and she was not having any problem with the blizzard or road conditions.

After some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplough stopped. The driver got out of the cab and came back to her car. He signalled her to roll down her window and asked if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time.

Lena said she was fine and told him of her husbands advice to follow a plough when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied it was okay with him and that she could continue to follow him if she wanted, ... But he wanted her to know that he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Canadian Tire next.