Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[NautiBrit]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year.


Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?”


The girl, crying, replied, sniff, and sniff...”Dad ...I became a prostitute..."


"Ye what? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so ye are."


"OK, Daddy -- as ye wish. I just came back to give Mommy this luxurious fur coat, title deeds to a 10-bedroom mansion plus a $5 million cheque...For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex...

And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club...(takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean and.”


"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.


Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute, Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.


"Oh! Be Mercy! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."

 

[PCBeachBum]

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas .

3. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".


Can't you just hear him say all of these?

I love it. These were the good old days when humor
didn't have to start with a four letter word.
It was just clean and simple fun.
And he always ended his programs with the words,

"And May God Bless" with a big smile on his face.

 

[PCBeachBum]

Brilliant

lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.


So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

 

[PCBeachBum]

12 Things A Motorcycle Can Teach You

1. The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rear view mirror.
2. Four wheels might move the body...but two wheels move the soul.
3. I'd rather be riding my motorcycle and thinking about God than sitting
in Church and thinking about my motorcycle.
4. Life may begin at 30...but it doesn't get interesting until about 95....mph.
5. Midnight bugs taste just as bad as noontime bugs.
6. Sometimes it takes a whole tank of gas before you can think straight.
7. A bike on the road is worth two in the shed.
8. Young riders pick a destination and go... old riders pick a direction and go...
9. When you are riding lead, don't spit.
10. Catching a yellow jacket in your shirt at 75 mph can double your vocabulary.
11. I've never seen a motorcycle parked outside a psychiatrist's office.
And Finally:
12. Only Bikers know why dogs stick their heads out car windows.

 

[Bob Denman]

:agree::clap::firstplace::firstplace:

 

[Trickie Dick]

Which one were you?l

Why boys need parents...

 

[michigal]

True Story....

...there was a Taco Bell in the small town where I worked and my co-workers and I would go there about once a month. The guy behind the cash register was affectionately referred to as the "change Nazi" because no matter how big your tab was, if you handed him bill larger than a five, he would hold it up between his two hands, snap it and ask "do you have anything smaller."

So being the smartass that I am..one day I took a $20 bill out of my wallet, went to the full-color copy machine, reduced the image to 50% and made a "copy" of the $20 bill.

When we went to Taco Bell for lunch that day, my tab came to $4 something and I handed the change Nazi a $20 bill. He held it up between his two hands, snapped it and asked "do you have anything smaller?"

My response: "Well, yes, yes I do." I reached into my purse and pulled out the "small" $20 bill and handed it to him. Everybody in line behind me burst into laughter. The change nazi never asked for a smaller bill again.

 

[michigal]

In a similar vein...

...I pulled up to the window at a McDonald's drive through in another state. The teenager behind the window told me the charge was $6.48. I asked her "Do you take out of state money?" She left to go ask the manager.

 

[Bob Denman]

:2thumbs::clap::firstplace:

 

[rogerb]

Can you explain to me how our politicians can keep cutting funds for education.

 

[michigal]

Public School Funding...

...why do they keep cutting funds for public education? Don't know...but I do know that kids are getting dumber every year.

Was sitting on my Spyder outside a 7-11 near the campus of Michigan State University. One of "America's future" walked out, looked at my Spyder and asked me: "does that have three wheels?" I nodded at each wheel and answered "yes, damn, someone stole my fourth wheel when I wasn't looking...did you by any chance see who did it?"

 

[ThreeWheels]

There was a whole thread of silly questions that people ask you about your Spyder, and each post included some nasty retort by the owner.

In my humble opinion, I've found that most people who ask silly questions are using the question as a means to begin a dialogue, Shutting them down doesn't make us good ambassadors for the Spyder. It just generates another stereotype, similar to what people think of Harley riders.

Of course this is just my opinion, I could be wrong, and I'm SURE someone on this site will be happy to correct me.

Please, back to the entertainment portion of the program. Politics, etc is for another thread.

 

[Bob Denman]

:agree::agree:
And now we return you to the Arts...

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial
troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several
cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for
$10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Peter,
Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen
and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious
doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to
himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis
stuttered badly.

But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him
try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their
cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the
results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately
asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last
week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my sales
prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected
on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You
are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church
last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied," I am a
professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and
here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly
a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did
you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend
opened it and counted the contents."What is this?" the minister
exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you
sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are
professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many
bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd
better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh
-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell
us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would
y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible
f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just
l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to
y-y-you?"

 

[Trickie Dick]

:roflblack::roflblack:Good one Bob:clap:

 

[Bob Denman]

Thanks!
I just hope that I don't get in trouble for it... :shocked:

 

[PCBeachBum]

:agree::agree:
And now we return you to the Arts...

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial
troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several
cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for
$10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Peter,
Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen
and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious
doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to
himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis
stuttered badly.

But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him
try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their
cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the
results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately
asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last
week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my sales
prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected
on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You
are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church
last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied," I am a
professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and
here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly
a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did
you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend
opened it and counted the contents."What is this?" the minister
exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you
sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are
professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many
bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd
better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh
-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell
us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would
y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible
f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just
l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to
y-y-you?"

:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:..............Did Little Johnny grow up? :yikes:..........I certainly hope not! :thumbup:

 

[PCBeachBum]

So dad, how do you like the iPad we got you?

I hope this works.

http://www.wimp.com/dadipad/

 

[rogerb]

Keep playing the random videos, some are interesting.:thumbup:

 

[PCBeachBum]

Star Bucks

Blonde in Starbucks....

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"
...
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" And she hands
the ticket to the manager and HE reads...






"W I N A B A G E L"

 

[Bob Denman]

What's that website that does nothing but catalog all of the Blonde jokes??