Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: Your Wife and my Missus must be soul-mates... :shocked:
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There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.
Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
8 Legged Freak
RT-S PE-0399
Not married
Don't know why.:roflblack::roflblack:
Don't know why.:roflblack::roflblack:
Bob Denman
New member
Because you obviously don't want to prevent all of the eligible women of the World from having a chance to sample all of your innate greatness... :2thumbs: :roflblack:
Yol Bolsun
New member
T.G.I.F. vs. S.H.I.T.
A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F"
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T"
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.
A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F"
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T"
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.
Bob Denman
New member
hyea::yes: Don't you just love blonde jokes?? :thumbup:
Yol Bolsun
New member
Italian drivers, it's in their blood.
Fabrizio
Rossi
Biaggi
Schettino
Fabrizio
Rossi
Biaggi
Schettino
PCBeachBum
New member
Kayaking Accident
The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an
Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State
Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your
wife", said one of the troopers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said,
"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad News
first."
The trooper said,
"I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's
body in Kachemak Bay ."
"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.
Swallowing hard, he asked,
"What's the good news?"
The trooper continued,
"When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty five-pound king crabs and 6
good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are
entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded,
"If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The trooper replied,
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.
The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an
Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State
Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your
wife", said one of the troopers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said,
"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad News
first."
The trooper said,
"I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's
body in Kachemak Bay ."
"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.
Swallowing hard, he asked,
"What's the good news?"
The trooper continued,
"When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty five-pound king crabs and 6
good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are
entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded,
"If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The trooper replied,
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.
Bob Denman
New member
And she didn't want to work while they were married! :roflblack::roflblack: :thumbup:
NautiBrit
New member
DIVORCE VS. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Trickie Dick
New member
Educational TV
The wife came home one day to find her husband watching TV. She noticed he was switching back and forth between a Fishing channel and a Porn channel. Leaving the room, she returned a short while later to find him still doing the same thing. Finally, she said. "why don't you leave it on the Porn channel, you already know how to fish.
The wife came home one day to find her husband watching TV. She noticed he was switching back and forth between a Fishing channel and a Porn channel. Leaving the room, she returned a short while later to find him still doing the same thing. Finally, she said. "why don't you leave it on the Porn channel, you already know how to fish.
PCBeachBum
New member
I LIKE THESE.......
Old but good........
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks..
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do...
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get
a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight..
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr.. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law
Old but good........
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks..
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do...
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get
a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight..
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr.. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law
Bob Denman
New member
Boy, the courtroom exchanges are so much fun! :roflblack:
warp10
New member
married life and faries
A married couple in their early 60s were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!....the husband became 92 years old..
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....
A married couple in their early 60s were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!....the husband became 92 years old..
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....
Arr MiHardies
New member
The moral of the story is to always word your wishes very, very carefully.
Bob Denman
New member
:agree: :shocked:
Bob Denman
New member
Too Much Celebrating...
So after spending the day watching "The Quiet man" on DVD, and playing U2 on CDs, I decided to go out for some Irish food... So I went to Tac...O'Bell!
As I get there my phone rings. It's my other dog; Dammit. He's in Jail and needs me to come bail him out. So off I go.
He had taken the bus to NYC to go watch the St Patricks Day Parade today. He ended up meeting some locals who knew of a bar where'd they give you free green beer if you were of Irish ancestry. He SWEARS that he's an albino Irish Setter, so off he went.
Well the green beer flowed and somehow he ended up in the Bronx where he got arrested. He doesn't remember much, but the security cameras at the Bronx Zoo caught it all in sordid detail.
Now he's going to have to pay child support; eighteen year's worth! Our Lawyer thinks that he can get it reduced to dog years though... :gaah:
So after spending the day watching "The Quiet man" on DVD, and playing U2 on CDs, I decided to go out for some Irish food... So I went to Tac...O'Bell!
As I get there my phone rings. It's my other dog; Dammit. He's in Jail and needs me to come bail him out. So off I go.
He had taken the bus to NYC to go watch the St Patricks Day Parade today. He ended up meeting some locals who knew of a bar where'd they give you free green beer if you were of Irish ancestry. He SWEARS that he's an albino Irish Setter, so off he went.
Well the green beer flowed and somehow he ended up in the Bronx where he got arrested. He doesn't remember much, but the security cameras at the Bronx Zoo caught it all in sordid detail.
Now he's going to have to pay child support; eighteen year's worth! Our Lawyer thinks that he can get it reduced to dog years though... :gaah:
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