Bob Denman
New member
I know! 
Ain't it great?? :2thumbs: I'm getting more and more material every day... :thumbup:
Ain't it great?? :2thumbs: I'm getting more and more material every day... :thumbup:
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There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.
Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
Once more into the breach!
And before I get myself in any trouble with this one; I'd like to offer an explanation...
I decided to post it only because I think that it's more about mis-application of language than it is about cultures... :shocked:
Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.
No other people had been seen for days. Unexpectedly, they saw an old
Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said,
"We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go up dat hill
und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader..
"Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."
The leader goes back and tells his people that, if nothing else, they
might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.
"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.
"Oh, you know the Jewish folks - they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side.
Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre every one except the leader. He
manages to escape back to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying
his drink.
The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths!
We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds
of Indians. They killed everyone but me."
The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "oy, vait a minute, vait a
minute." He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing
through it.
"Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree.
It vuz a ham bush!
And before I get myself in any trouble with this one; I'd like to offer an explanation...
I decided to post it only because I think that it's more about mis-application of language than it is about cultures... :shocked:
Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.
No other people had been seen for days. Unexpectedly, they saw an old
Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said,
"We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go up dat hill
und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader..
"Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."
The leader goes back and tells his people that, if nothing else, they
might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.
"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.
"Oh, you know the Jewish folks - they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side.
Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre every one except the leader. He
manages to escape back to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying
his drink.
The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths!
We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds
of Indians. They killed everyone but me."
The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "oy, vait a minute, vait a
minute." He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing
through it.
"Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree.
It vuz a ham bush!
BentGamer
New member
Last night was a very hot August night. And wouldn't you know it the air conditioner was on the fritz. So I decided to go to sleep in my birthday suit. Just as I was walking towards the light switch on the bedroom wall, my wife of 31 years screamed:
"OH MY GOD!!!"
I was startled, as I turned towards her to see what she was so upset about. She was pointing at my
"manhood". I asked her: " What's wrong?!"
She replied in a very concerned voice: " Is THAT ALL WE HAVE LEFT?!"
"OH MY GOD!!!"
I was startled, as I turned towards her to see what she was so upset about. She was pointing at my
"manhood". I asked her: " What's wrong?!"
She replied in a very concerned voice: " Is THAT ALL WE HAVE LEFT?!"
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked::shocked::shocked::roflblack::thumbup:
Bob Denman
New member
This one is more about surprises than religion...
granpa in Cincy
New member
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Helloooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Helloooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
granpa in Cincy
New member
Billy Bob and Bubba were at a restaurant eating when a lady next to them started choking. Bubba asked her, "Can ya swaller?" She shook her head, no! Bubba then asked "Can ya breathe?" Again, she shook her head, more vigorously this time, NO! So Billy Bob ran over, yanked her pants down, and licked her butt cheeks! The woman, caught totally off guard, spluttered indignantly and somehow managed to break the food free, then spat it out. Billy Bob looked at Bubba and said, "I've heard of that thar hind lick manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before!"
Bob Denman
New member
times 2! :thumbup:
Last edited by a moderator:
Bob Denman
New member
Hey! That's a GREAT idea! Maybe I'll suggest it to the Missus.... :shocked: uhhhh Maybe not! :thumbup:
warp10
New member
Alzheimer's test----good luck
Alzheimer's
Test for Modern Seniors
How fast can you guess these words
1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Answers:
1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM
You got all 6 wrong... didn't you?
Don't worry. You don't have Alzheimer's. You're just a pervert!
Alzheimer's
Test for Modern Seniors
How fast can you guess these words
1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Answers:
1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM
You got all 6 wrong... didn't you?
Don't worry. You don't have Alzheimer's. You're just a pervert!
Bob Denman
New member
Whew! I was getting worried there for a moment... :thumbup:
retread
New member
warp10
New member
two guys
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going.'
The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her, and I'm getting a little desperate'
The old guy says, 'Well,
Maybe I can help you find her..
What does she look like?'
'The young guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
red hair, blue eyes, she's buxom, but wearing no bra,
she's got long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
- let's just look for yours.'
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going.'
The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her, and I'm getting a little desperate'
The old guy says, 'Well,
Maybe I can help you find her..
What does she look like?'
'The young guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
red hair, blue eyes, she's buxom, but wearing no bra,
she's got long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
- let's just look for yours.'
Bob Denman
New member
Do you think that they need help finding her? :shocked: I'm sure that we could find a Spyderlover or two who'd be willing to lend a bit of help with the search...
ThreeWheels
Active member
Home Depot Scam, be careful out there.
I got caught in the Home Depot scam recently. It's a variant of the old squeegee scam they used to pull in NYC at street corners.
I was coming out of Home Depot and there were three girls wearing skimpy outfits washing my car.
I figured, damn, they want money.
I got to the car and told them to stop, and I wasn't going to give them any cash.
They said no problem, all they wanted was a ride to the next Home Depot.
Being that they were young and attractive, I figured what the heck.
They hopped in the car and I drove them to the Home Depot in the next town.
When I stopped the car in the parking lot they refused to get out.
They got real down and dirty with me (wink wink nudge nudge)
After that they thanked me and got out.
When I got home, I found out they had lifted my wallet and stole my money!!!
This happened to me last Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.
I couldn't find them Tuesday, but I found them in the Lowes car park on Wednesday.
Incidentally, Wall-Mart has a sale on Nylon wallets.
I got caught in the Home Depot scam recently. It's a variant of the old squeegee scam they used to pull in NYC at street corners.
I was coming out of Home Depot and there were three girls wearing skimpy outfits washing my car.
I figured, damn, they want money.
I got to the car and told them to stop, and I wasn't going to give them any cash.
They said no problem, all they wanted was a ride to the next Home Depot.
Being that they were young and attractive, I figured what the heck.
They hopped in the car and I drove them to the Home Depot in the next town.
When I stopped the car in the parking lot they refused to get out.
They got real down and dirty with me (wink wink nudge nudge)
After that they thanked me and got out.
When I got home, I found out they had lifted my wallet and stole my money!!!
This happened to me last Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.
I couldn't find them Tuesday, but I found them in the Lowes car park on Wednesday.
Incidentally, Wall-Mart has a sale on Nylon wallets.
Yazz
MOgang Member
I was at a grocery store following a grandpa and his out of control 3 year old grandson. He had his hands full with this kid screaming for candy in the candy isle, cookies in the cookie aisle; and for chips, sugary cereals, and coke in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and I hear the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing things out of the cart, and grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, I go outside where the Grandpa is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you calmly kept say things would be okay. William is a very lucky to have you as his Grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William... the little brat's name is Kevin."
Meanwhile, grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and I hear the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing things out of the cart, and grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, I go outside where the Grandpa is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you calmly kept say things would be okay. William is a very lucky to have you as his Grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William... the little brat's name is Kevin."
granpa in Cincy
New member
A Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened & the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist".
The proctologist next to him fainted.
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened & the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist".
The proctologist next to him fainted.
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