Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[Arion]

Yet Another Bit of HUmor

An elderly Pennsylvania Amish gentlemandecided to take his wife and children to the big city as a once in a lifetimetreat. Arriving in Philadelphia and were astounded because they had never beento a large city before. They checked into their downtown hotel and were standingby the elevator, which they also had never seen before, waiting for the mother whowas visiting a gift shop in the lobby.

The elevator door opened, an elderlywoman entered, and the door closed. In a few moments the door openedagain and a beautiful young woman stepped out. Another older woman thenstepped in. Again the door opened a few minutes later and another youngattractive woman stepped out. The old Amish gentleman turned to his sonand said, “Go get your mother.”

 

[vided]

 

[ottawa-rider]

 

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

View attachment 162123

My wife was telling a neighbor lady years ago about a boy and girl set of twins she was baby sitting. The neighbor asked, "Are they identical twins?"

 

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

An interesting fish story.

The rain had stopped and there was a large puddle just outside the door to the American Legion hall.

A rumpled old Navy Chief was standing near the edge with a fishing line in the puddle. A curious young Marine fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," the old Chief simply said. "Poor old chief," the Marine officer thought to himself and invited the old Navy Chief into the bar for a drink.

As he felt he should start a conversation while they were sipping their spirits, the young jet pilot winked at another pilot and asked the Chief, "How many have you caught today?"

"You're number 14," the old Chief answered, taking another sip from his double shot of 12-year-old Scotch, "2 Air Force, 3 Army and 9 Marines."





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[Bob Denman]

I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday, thinking about what I

could do to keep busy during retirement, minding my own business and patiently waiting for the light to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.

An old Nissan full of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American
slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their

car and a “Remember 9-11” slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next

to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America”

and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler truck

came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car,

crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

:shocked:

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself,

" Man!.....that could have been me!”




So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver!
​

 

[kep-up]

I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday, thinking about what I

could do to keep busy during retirement, minding my own business and patiently waiting for the light to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.

An old Nissan full of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American
slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their

car and a “Remember 9-11” slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next

to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America”

and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler truck

came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car,

crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

:shocked:

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself,

" Man!.....that could have been me!”




So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver!
​

That ain't politically correct! Naughty, Naughty:yes:

 

[Bob Denman]

I know! :yes:hyea::yes:

But since I posted it in the Jokes Forum: I sort of figured that most folks would know what it was supposed to be... :joke::joke::joke:

 

[vided]

 

[kep-up]

View attachment 162221

And for my wife, a crowbar!:banghead:

 

[Bob Denman]

It can also be used as a mirror for shaving...

...and for signallying the helicopters; when you get lost in the woods! :shocked: :roflblack:

 

[Lew L]

View attachment 162221

I could make that into a pretty good drop point skinner.

Lew L

 

[kep-up]

I could make that into a pretty good drop point skinner.

Lew L

I find that an ULU works well for skinning, too.

 

[vided]

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife subsequently delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband continued to experience no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.







When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.


























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[vided]

 

[Black Pig]

Father’s Day is to thank Dad for nailing your mother.
Mother’s Day is to thank Mum for not swallowing you.

..............

My mates called me a tight arse. So I decided to buy them a beer to prove I'm not.
Turns out they wanted one each.

...............

My wife texted me saying, "CAN YOU PICK ME UP AT WORK? X."
I texted back, "Yes, and there's no need to shout."
She replied, "Sorry, a bus was driving past."

...............

Two blokes are in hospital,laid in beds waiting to go into theatre
One says to the other "What you in for"?
The other replies "Endoscopy"
"What's that then"? the first bloke asks.
"They'll send a camera down my throat into my stomach and look for things like ulcers or even cancers, what you in for"? replies the second bloke.
"Camera up my jacksy" says the first bloke.
"Do you mean a Colonoscopy"? says the second bloke
"Nah", says the first bloke,"The missus caught me taking pictures of the next door neighbour sunbathing nude in her back garden"

...........

Mary had a Little Lamb.
A nursery rhyme in England. A porn film in Wales.

...........

Losing your wife is hard.
Trust me, I've been trying for years.

...........

The best way to smuggle drugs is to place them up a dog's arse.
if the sniffer dog suspects, the officials'll think they're just being frisky.

...........


How to work out your twat name.
Take your first name and replace it with Piers.
Now take your surname and replace it with Morgan.

.............

I got sent out of class today at school for being too sarcastic.
The teacher yelled at me, "What would your parents say if I called them?' I replied, "Hello?"

 

[vided]

 

[Saluda]

Especially the large print.