• There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.

Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

Three nuns were talking one Saturday afternoon... one nun was from Texas, another was from Hawaii ... and the last nun (72 y.o.) was from New York,
the Texan nun was bragging that everything in Texas was big, she said, " our jackrabbits are so big, we saddle & ride them, our ranches are so large, it takes a man on horse back a week to ride across them... Well, the nun from Hawaii had to say something about Hawaii, so she said, in Hawaii we have coconuts as big as basketballs, and bananas 14" long... the old nun from New York was kinda hard of hearing.. and leaned and said...
"FATHER, WHO" ??
 
Hi folks,

Not so much a joke as a truism:

Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors & Budweiser.

Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

:thumbup:

Jerry Baumchen
 
JerryB said:
Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors & Budweiser.

Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Click to expand...
Years ago at a picnic several of us were sitting at a picnic table discussing what we liked best about chicken. My wife was sitting on the other side from me. I commented that I liked the breast best, but hadn't decided which way, look, taste, or feel. Water from a glass instantly flew across the table! :roflblack: :roflblack: :roflblack: :roflblack: :roflblack:
 
Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in Los Angeles Airport.The first lady was an arrogant Californian woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to Charm School," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm School?" the first woman said, amazed, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, "Who gives a :cus:?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart!"
 
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?
 
Bob Denman said:
Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in Los Angeles Airport.The first lady was an arrogant Californian woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to Charm School," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm School?" the first woman said, amazed, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, "Who gives a :cus:?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart!"
Click to expand...
now this is funny!!:roflblack:
 
JerryB said:
Hi folks,

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, " Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

:yikes:

Jerry Baumchen
Click to expand...
to funny!!
 
The SwitchBoard At A Mental Hospital

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE DIRECTORY
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following menu options:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the MotherShip.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are a blonde, don't you dare press any buttons, cos you'll only **** it up!
 
Bob Denman said:
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE DIRECTORY
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following menu options:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the MotherShip.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are a blonde, don't you dare press any buttons, cos you'll only **** it up!
Click to expand...

NOW THAT'S FUNNY STUFF
 
Bob Denman said:
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE DIRECTORY
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following menu options:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the MotherShip.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are a blonde, don't you dare press any buttons, cos you'll only **** it up!
Click to expand...

:roflblack::roflblack:I've heard this one before, but couldn't remember them all. But I think my version had for paranoid, to hang up and wait; we know where you are and will come and get you.
 
a_1041_20141118154044.jpg
 
a man meets a woman and they become romantically involved. so one night the man says to her, lets do something different tonight so he takes her to a cemetery and they make love on one of the old flat marble grave markers. they make love for a hour and than leave. the next day the woman calls him and says her back hurts and see needs a ride to a back doctor she found in the phone book, and he took her. when she met the doctor he asked her to undress to examine her, he than ask her to turn for him. when she faced him again he asked her, how old did you say you were, and she said 32 why? the doctor said, BECAUSE ON YOU a$$ IT SAYS YOU DIED IN 1927
 
Hi folks,

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see that the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the letter with trembling hands and read the letter...

"Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science finds a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son,

Joshua

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it's safe for me to come home."

:joke:

Jerry Baumchen
 
Hi Bob,

Re: Okay... How many times did you spring THAT little ditty on your folks?

I may have caused my old man a fair number of grey hairs but not from anything like that.

:banghead:

Jerry Baumchen
 
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