Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[wyliec]

British Humor

BRITISH HUMOUR


On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realising that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.
The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle.
Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, "Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?"
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?"
This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honour! This American needs to be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold your fork in the wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir,you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

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[Bob Denman]

Didn't see that coming... :clap:

 

[Bob Denman]

How To Start A Fight In The Suburbs...

 

[Bob Denman]

Don't forget the Food Pyramid... :2thumbs:

 

[Bob Denman]

Did You Ever Wonder...

...Why a perfectly normal human being would jump up on the back of a Bull? :dontknow:

It turns out that there WAS a good reason for it!

 

[vided]

Hahaha

PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.


THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.


THE BLONDE REPLIES, “I’M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I’M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.”


THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.


THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, “I’M BLONDE, I’M BEAUTIFUL, I’M GOING TO TORONTO AND I’M STAYING RIGHT HERE.”


THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON’T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, “YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I’LL HANDLE THIS, I’M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.”


HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, “OH, I’M SORRY.” AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.


THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. I TOLD HER... "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

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[vided]

Crabs

Frozen Crabs and the Blonde Flight Attendant

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.




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[cuznjohn]

After a particularly difficult day at the office, a guy finally crawls into bed. He turns to his wife and whispers "Did you know it's National Orgasm Day?"
"Oh, what a pity," she smiled,
"Right in the middle of National Headache Week !!"

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: That's the story of my life...

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle, please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bugger told you I was speeding too.

:shocked:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

I hope that it worked for her! :clap: :thumbup:

 

[Bob Denman]

REDNECK LENT
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor
grill and cook a venison steak.
But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was
Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing
such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked
to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. And as the
Priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist,
and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and
the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into
Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and
watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully
sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz
raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

 

[cuznjohn]

REDNECK LENT
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor
grill and cook a venison steak.
But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was
Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing
such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked
to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. And as the
Priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist,
and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and
the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into
Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and
watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully
sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz
raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

lol that was funny

 

[Bob Denman]

I've got MILLIONS of them! :thumbup:

One of my hunting buddies was on the circuit with some of America's greatest comics...

 

[Bob Denman]

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope.
He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his
despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the
sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked
closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself?
I still have one good arm to do things with."

He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so
happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms.
He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and
felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his
life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on
with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels
again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My butt itches."

 

[Bob Denman]

I never knew that Canada also had a "Meals on Wheels" Program...

 

[Bob Denman]

Times are Tough All Over...

 

[ottawa-rider]

I never knew that Canada also had a "Meals on Wheels" Program...

We call it "Incentive to Exercise".

 

[Bob Denman]

We call it "Incentive to Exercise".

Nothing helps tap hidden potential like a 600 pound killing machine! :yikes:

 

[PrairieSpyder]

I never knew that Canada also had a "Meals on Wheels" Program...

I'll remember that when I'm in Canada this summer. I'm glad I have a motor on my wheels. Otherwise, I'd be "fast food!"