Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[retread]

A dedicated bird watcher traveled the world locating and studying rare birds. When he heard of a bird that was thought to be extinct being found on a small island, he went to investigate.
After he arrived, he made arrangements with a local guide and went into the forest, where he was able to document that the Foo bird was indeed a reality.
As he was taking pictures, one of the rare birds flew overhead and took a dump on his shoulder. When he tried to wipe off the mess, the guide told him that local legend said it was the worst of luck to do that, and he had to wait until it dried and fell off of its own accord.
His trip and studies finished, the man boarded a boat to leave the island, and quickly wiped off the mess....and dropped dead.
The moral being... If the Foo s**ts, wear it.

?

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack: :clap: :2thumbs:

 

[PrairieSpyder]

A rabbi was shipwrecked on a small volcanic island. He found that the natives, who called themselves trids, all lived in the coastal areas - never on the mountainside. The trids were friendly, but they warned the rabbi to never venture up the mountain because a giant lived there and wouldn't let anyone on the mountain. Throughout their history, anyone who ventured up the mountain was kicked back down to the coast.

Of course, the rabbi assumed that was all just superstition, and one day he decided to explore the mountain. He climbed all the way to the top and was startled when he came face-to-face with a giant!! The giant invited him to a meal and looked after his comfort, being a perfect host.

The rabbi was obviously fearful and the giant asked him why. "Well I heard that anyone who comes up here will be kicked back down the mountain to the coast. I thought it was a myth, but now that I have met you, I'm afraid of getting hurt"

The giant just replied . . . . "Silly rabbi, kicks are for trids!"

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Pirate looks at --]

What's up Doc

While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his pe*is covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your pe*is.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his pe*is and proclaims, “Ah, yes,
Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my pe*is!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself!!!!” :yikes:

was that doctor Chinese of Bugs BUnny?:roflblack:

 

[ArachnidRyder]

Courtesy of Dr. Grumpy's blog:

Jake is an elderly widower who lives at Shady Acres Care Home.

One day Sadie, who lives down the hall, comes over. "Jake," she says, "tomorrow the group bus is going over to see that new movie, and I'd like to go. But I haven't been to a movie since my husband died, and I'm nervous about going alone. Will you go as my date?"

Jake thinks for a moment. "You know, I haven't seen a movie since my wife died. I'd like to... But I have a request. Whenever we'd go to movies, I'd unzip, and my wife would hold my winkie during the film. Would you do that for me?"

Sadie thinks about it. "Why not? We're both in our 80's. What have I got to lose?" So they go to the theater, she holds his penis for the whole 90 minutes, and they both have a good time.

This goes on for the next several months, at every Wednesday movie outing.

Then, one day, Sadie calls to make sure they're on for that afternoon's trip, but Jake can't go. "I have a cold, Sadie. Sorry."

And the next time. "Sadie, I have a doctor's appointment."

And the next: "Oh, Sadie. I can't. I have to wash my hair."

"Jake, you don't have hair."

"I mean, the hair on my back."

This continues for another few weeks. Finally, Sadie confronts Jake outside the day room.

Sadie: "Jake, what's really going on? Why aren't you going to the movies with me anymore? No excuses."

Jake: "I... I've been going to them with Irma instead. I didn't know how to tell you without hurting your feelings."

Sadie: "IRMA? In room 507? Why? What does Irma have that I don't?"

Jake: "Parkinson's disease."



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Bob Denman]

Gianni Poggio, an elderly Italian man who lives on the outskirts of
Positano, Italy, recently went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays.”
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one
more question though ..."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Some Shorties:

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays.”

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

:joke:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap:

 

[retread]

I've been looking through some old pics, found one of a guy I met in the service, not the best looking, in fact, downright ugly. He told me he'd changed his name before he enlisted. Pushed my curiosity button, so I asked him why.
He told me that when he was born, his father had taken one look at him and said to his mother "let's call it Quits".

?

 

[Bob Denman]

FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS:
CATSA disclosed the following Airport Screening Results

December 2013 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA :

Terrorists Discovered

0

Transvestites

133

Hernias

1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases

3,172

Enlarged Prostates

8,249

Breast Implants

59,350

Natural Blondes

3

It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.
Thought you'd like to know.

 

[PrairieSpyder]

 

[Bob Denman]

I've heard a similar story about those flies...





...And a certain President! :shocked:



...just sayin'...

 

[Bob Denman]

[FONT=Times New Roman,Times,serif]

[FONT=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif] Something to Think About!

Low military pay was not mentioned in the State Of The Union speech.
However, increasing the minimum wage was for those fast food employees
striking for $15 an hour. Let's do some math:

At $15 an hour Johnny Fry-Boy would make *$31,200* annually.

An E1 (Private) in the military makes* $18,378*.

An E5 (Sergeant) with 8 years of service only makes $35,067
annually.

So you're telling me, LaTisha McBurgerflipper, that you deserve as much as
those kids getting shot at, deploying for months in hostile environments,
and putting their collective asses on the line every day protecting your
unskilled butt!?

Here's the deal, Baconator, you are working in a job designed for a kid in
high school who is learning how to work and earning enough for gas, and
hanging out with their equally goofy high school pals. If you have chosen
this as your life long profession, you have failed. If you don't want
minimum wage, don't have minimum skills.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. [/FONT]​

[FONT=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]If it's in English, thank a Veteran.



This actually isn't very funny... :shocked:[/FONT]​

[/FONT]

 

[mowin]

Something to Think About!

Low military pay was not mentioned in the State Of The Union speech.
However, increasing the minimum wage was for those fast food employees
striking for $15 an hour. Let's do some math:

At $15 an hour Johnny Fry-Boy would make *$31,200* annually.

An E1 (Private) in the military makes* $18,378*.

An E5 (Sergeant) with 8 years of service only makes $35,067
annually.

So you're telling me, LaTisha McBurgerflipper, that you deserve as much as
those kids getting shot at, deploying for months in hostile environments,
and putting their collective asses on the line every day protecting your
unskilled butt!?

Here's the deal, Baconator, you are working in a job designed for a kid in
high school who is learning how to work and earning enough for gas, and
hanging out with their equally goofy high school pals. If you have chosen
this as your life long profession, you have failed. If you don't want
minimum wage, don't have minimum skills.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. ​

If it's in English, thank a Veteran.



This actually isn't very funny... :shocked:​

Your correct not funny. well actually LaTisha McBurgerflipper was funny:roflblack:. Sad our troops make less money than someone working at Burger King. :banghead:

 

[Bob Denman]

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an avid opponent of hunting,
purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest
points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to
climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl, that attacked her. In her
haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and, as a result, got many splinters
in her crotch. In considerable pain, she rushed to a local ER to see a doctor. As she explained how
she came to get all the splinters, she shared with him that she was an environmentalist, a Democrat,
and how much she despised hunters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining
room while he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?” He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a ‘recreational area’ so close to a waste treatment facility. I’m sorry,
but due to *****care they turned you down.”

 

[PrairieSpyder]

Political Correctness, defined . . .

This has been attributed to Harry Truman, but I doubt that.

Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of crap by the clean end!




​

​

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: :thumbup:

"...by the clean end..." :roflblack:

 

[JerryB]

Hi Patti,

Re: possible to pick up a piece of crap by the clean end

I can assure you that if Harry Truman said that, he did not use the word 'crap.'

:shocked:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[PrairieSpyder]

A visiting minister started the offertory prayer: "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without You we are but dust . . ."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill, little-girl voice: "Mommy, what is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point.