Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.

When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.

When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

Jerry Baumchen

 

[PrairieSpyder]

She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.

As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, "Hey old woman, have you ever danced?"

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet.

The old woman prospector, not wanting to get her toes blown off, started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crown watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of this twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No, Ma'am . . . . but I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons here for all of us:

1. Never be arrogant.
2. Don't waste ammunition.
3. Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4. Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5. Don't mess with old women. They don't get old by being stupid!

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: Best story ever printed in here... :bowdown: :firstplace:

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

So there were these two Luddites named Ole and Lena.

Lena was having trouble deciding what she should give up for Lent. Finally, she decided to give up sex, but she didn't get a chance to tell Ole.

Ole came to bed and proceeded to get frisky with Lena.

"No, Ole, we can't" said Lena. "It's Lent".

"Loaned out to who?" wailed Ole, "And for how long?"

:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Have you heard about the Osama Bin Laden celebratory drink?

It's two shots and a splash of water!


:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: :2thumbs:

 

[cuznjohn]

husband dies and the wife has him cremated. when she was asked to pick out a urn she said she wanted the ashes put into her cupped hands. when she had the ashes she started talking to them in her hands. she said, you promised me a mansion and i never got it,,, you promised me furs, i never got them,,, you promised me a roles royce,,, i never got it,,, at that point she blew into the ashes and said,,, here is the :cus: :cus: i promised you

 

[PrairieSpyder]

An oldie, but a goodie . . .

CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only 1
Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal: 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.


Roman Catholic: None
Candles only.

Baptists : At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the Potato salad and fried chicken.


Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons : 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.


Unitarians:
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.


Nazarene: 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

 

[cuznjohn]

it takes 6 feminist to change a light bulb. one to screw in the bulb, and 5 to discuss what sexual innuendo it represents

 

[Cruzr Joe]

Patti

in order to be politically correct, you must add all faiths (good or bad)

you left out

Seventh Day Adventist

Sunni

Jewish

Muslims

I deliberately left out Isis because they have no faith, they are only interested in terrorism.

and probably several others.

Just ribbing you :roflblack:

Cruzr Joe

 

[Bob Denman]

Patti,
I LOVED your version!! :clap:

(United Methodist here, and I've been called a "Dim Bulb", by some very Bright people! )

 

[Bob Denman]

Math teacher arrested at JFK airport is suspected of belonging to
secret terror society –

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy
International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden
device called a “slide-rule” and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with
carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-Gebra is a problem for us,” the Attorney General said. “Al-Gebra
has terrorized many young people for years.

They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on
tangents in search of absolute values.

They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as
‘unknowns,’ but we have determined that they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country.”

As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to
every triangle.'”

 

[granpa in Cincy]

Well Eric Holder would know!

 

[NautiBrit]

Confession is so much better today.

He went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside he found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.


Then the priest comes in.


The man says to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."


The priest replies "Get out, you moron, you're on my side."

 

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

This one just in time for Lent. The folks who lived in a neighborhood of Catholics were getting tired of Ole, the old Lutheran bachelor, always barbequing venison on Friday evenings. The smoke and smell were interfering with their Friday fish dinners, so the local Priest decided it was time to convert ol' Ole. After months of cajoling, arm twisting, and preaching Ole agreed to change. He comes to the altar and the Priest is sprinkling water on Ole's head saying, "You were born a Lutheran, and you have lived as a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic." Well, wouldn't you know it, the next Friday evening Ole was barbecuing his venison again. The upset neighbors went over to set him straight about the requirements of his new life when they looked over the fence and there was Ole, sprinkling water on the steak, "You was born a deer, and you lived as a deer, but now you are a walleye!"

 

[Joe T.]

This one just in time for Lent. The folks who lived in a neighborhood of Catholics were getting tired of Ole, the old Lutheran bachelor, always barbequing venison on Friday evenings. The smoke and smell were interfering with their Friday fish dinners, so the local Priest decided it was time to convert ol' Ole. After months of cajoling, arm twisting, and preaching Ole agreed to change. He comes to the altar and the Priest is sprinkling water on Ole's head saying, "You were born a Lutheran, and you have lived as a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic." Well, wouldn't you know it, the next Friday evening Ole was barbecuing his venison again. The upset neighbors went over to set him straight about the requirements of his new life when they looked over the fence and there was Ole, sprinkling water on the steak, "You was born a deer, and you lived as a deer, but now you are a walleye!"

OH!!! That's funny!!!


Joe T.

 

[mowin]

OH!!! That's funny!!!


Joe T.

I have to agree with ya...:thumbup:

 

[Cruzr Joe]

Question:


How many Spyderlovers does it take to figure out the oil & filter change schedule on a 1330 engine???


Answer:


We still don't know this answer.


Cruzr Joe

 

[PrairieSpyder]

Question:


How many Spyderlovers does it take to figure out the oil & filter change schedule on a 1330 engine???


Answer:


We still don't know this answer.


Cruzr Joe

:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::thumbup: TOO TRUE!!! :thumbup::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

:agree: :roflblack::roflblack: :clap::firstplace: