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Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
mowin
New member
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.
She is speaking in a cheery voice.
"Hi, I'm so glad you called.......... Really?. That's wonderful...... I'm so happy for you..... That sounds terrific...... Great!...... Thanks...... Okay...... Byeeeeeeee".
She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?".
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you".
:yes:
Jerry Baumchen
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.
She is speaking in a cheery voice.
"Hi, I'm so glad you called.......... Really?. That's wonderful...... I'm so happy for you..... That sounds terrific...... Great!...... Thanks...... Okay...... Byeeeeeeee".
She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?".
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you".
:yes:
Jerry Baumchen
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
A small boy named Hameed lived in a village in Morocco.
None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You are driving me crazy, Hameed!!!!!"
One day Hameed's mother came into school to check on how he was doing.
The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!!
The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease!
All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform......
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Hameed, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover!!!!!
Now, don't tell me you thought that Hameed became a doctor!
:yes:
Jerry Baumchen[/QUOTE]
A small boy named Hameed lived in a village in Morocco.
None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You are driving me crazy, Hameed!!!!!"
One day Hameed's mother came into school to check on how he was doing.
The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!!
The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease!
All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform......
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Hameed, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover!!!!!
Now, don't tell me you thought that Hameed became a doctor!
:yes:
Jerry Baumchen[/QUOTE]
Bob Denman
New member
How I lost my teeth
I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer,
when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the
butt.
She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number."
I looked at her and said: "Have you got a pen."
She said, "I sure do."
I said, "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices
you're missing."
My dental surgery is on Monday.
I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer,
when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the
butt.
She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number."
I looked at her and said: "Have you got a pen."
She said, "I sure do."
I said, "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices
you're missing."
My dental surgery is on Monday.
ARtraveler
R.I.P. Dwayne
I think you folks have an all time record with this thread. :firstplace::firstplace:
Running since 2011.
87,000 plus looks.
1,100 plus posts.
Keep up the good stuff. :yes:
Running since 2011.
87,000 plus looks.
1,100 plus posts.
Keep up the good stuff. :yes:
Bob Denman
New member
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
He frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Some old men can still think fast.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
He frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Some old men can still think fast.
mowin
New member
oldguyinTX
New member
Joe T.
Member
I loved the old 'Foghorn Leghorn' cartoons when i was a kid. I wish they were still shown on TV.
Joe T.
PrairieSpyder
New member
:agree: They're probably too violent for today's kids.
Bob Denman
New member
Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2am. and was
asked where he was going at that time of night .
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects
it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of
night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife.”
asked where he was going at that time of night .
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects
it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of
night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife.”
Bob Denman
New member
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as
childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered,
and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at
their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money,
and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an
armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don't believe him, he's getting senile
The officers turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We're outta here!
childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered,
and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at
their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money,
and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an
armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don't believe him, he's getting senile
The officers turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We're outta here!
ottawa-rider
Member
Nothing like telling the truth.
Bob Denman
New member
Geographical Differences
The Geography of a Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self preserving but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful with a mysterious past and the wisdom of ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
The Geography of a Man
Between 1 and 80, a man is like North Korea, ruled by a pair of nuts!
The Geography of a Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self preserving but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful with a mysterious past and the wisdom of ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
The Geography of a Man
Between 1 and 80, a man is like North Korea, ruled by a pair of nuts!
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
WHERE ARE MY GLASSES?
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing, I said.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" she said, and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week."
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing, I said.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" she said, and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week."
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
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