Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Before I go any farther you should know that my son is an attorney.

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers.

Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the loud, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".

Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

:joke:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

Did your Son laugh at it also? :dontknow: :roflblack:

 

[JerryB]

Hi Bob,

Re: Did your Son laugh at it also?

As I said before, we do not know each other. Me, I try to keep peace in the family, as in: Some things best left unsaid.

:joke:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

Here is the Lost Chapter in Genesis....
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God
asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would
be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for
you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will
always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of
them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she
was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a
headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam paused, then he asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history...

 

[MisterP]

Two cannibals ate a clown.

One looked at the other and asked "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

[MisterP]

Some cannibals caught a priest and ate him. He tasted terrible.

They took the priest's clothes to their chief, trying to understand how they had messed up cooking the priest.

"How did you cook him?" asked the chief.

"We boiled him" was the reply.

"Well no wonder he tasted bad, he's a friar!"

 

[cuznjohn]

3 men were shipwrecked on a island inhabited by cannibals, 1 french guy, one german guy, and a italian guy from Brooklyn ny, when the cannibals caught the men they told them they were going to kill them and eat them, than they were going to make trinkets for their wife's with their bone, and than make canoes with their skin.

the french guy said, if i am going to die i want to die like my country would kill people, with a guillotine, the natives didn't know what that was, so he told them how to make one and they did and he was killed. now they went to kill the german, he asked for his luger pistol, they never saw one before and gave him his gun back with one bullet and he shot himself in the head.

than they came to the italian from Brooklyn, he said i want a fork, they asked what is a fork, so he told them how to make one and they made it. when they gave the italian the fork, he started stabbing himself all over his body, they stopped him and asked, what are you doing, and he replied :cus: YOU AND YOUR CANOES

 

[Bob Denman]

The last great act of defiance... :2thumbs: :clap: :roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:

 

[cuznjohn]

The last great act of defiance... :2thumbs: :clap: :roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

Here's My Favorite...

 

[Bob Denman]

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.



I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. ‘I'm going to take that.'

 

[Cruzr Joe]

Reminds me of the time i went to 31 Flavors and ordered a chocolate float, clerk said "we are out of Chocolate", so i said OK then Give me a chocolate sundae, clerk said "we are out of Chocolate", I said OK then just give me a chocolate ice cream cone, they clerk said "can you spell the van in vanilla" I said Yes, he said "can you spell the straw in strawberry" I said yes i can,
he said can you spell the F**K in chocolate", i thought about it for a minute and said "there ain't no F**K in chocolate", he said "that's what i have been trying to tell you".

Cruzr joe

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: :roflblack::roflblack::roflblack: :clap: :2thumbs:

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Four guys were playing their weekly game of golf, when they began to discuss the possibility of playing golf on Christmas.

One remarked how nice it would be to wake up Christmas morning and, without getting into an argument with his wife, go directly to the golf course to play a round with his three buddies.

All three chimed in, "Let's do it! We'll each figure out a way and meet here Christmas morning."

When Christmas morning arrives, as planned the four of them meet on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! My wife can't take her eyes off of the diamond ring I had to buy her."

Number two guy sighs, "My wife is at home planning our cruise. When I last saw her, she was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Golfer number three shakes his head, "Well, my wife is at home reading the manual for her new car."

They all turned to the last guy in the group, who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds. He exclaims,"I can't believe this golf game was so expensive for all of you. Iw oke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, "Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf." She told me, "Take a sweater."

:thumbup:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

Jerry,
:lecturef_smilie: I told you not to tell that story about us, and those two other guys...

Signed: #4

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Sh****** Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and hisl antern into the Delaware...

Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman...

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters...'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be sh****** me.'

:clap:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: I hope that he was able to adequately explain to her, what that really meant... :shocked:

 

[Bob Denman]

Recently, the Chula Vista, California Police Department ran an e-mail forum with the local community
(a question and answer exchange) with the topic being, "Community Policing." One of the civilian e-mail
participants posed the following question:
"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?"
From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) Sgt. Bennett, obviously a cop with a sense of humor replied:
"First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy. In Chula Vista, we average one cop for every 600 people.
Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where we do most of our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents.
At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty.
So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents.
When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.
Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass.
This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is
just too tiring.
What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass.

The tools available to us are as follow:
PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment.
"My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment.
Another popular one: "There's a guy breaking into a house." The harassment team is then put into action.
CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no driver's licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light.
Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.
RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying
as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours to determine why they didn't want to talk to us.
STATUTES: When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Codes, etc...They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people.
After you read the statute, you can just drive around for awhile until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them.
Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says that's not allowed.
That meant I got permission to harass this guy. It's a really cool system that we've set up, and it works pretty well.
We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people.
Next time you are in my town, give me the old "single finger wave." That's another one of those codes. It means,
"You can't harass me." It's one of our favorites.
Hopefully sir, this has clarified to you a little bit better how we harass the good citizens of Chula Vista

 

[johnnyrocket]

Recently, the Chula Vista, California Police Department ran an e-mail forum with the local community
(a question and answer exchange) with the topic being, "Community Policing." One of the civilian e-mail
participants posed the following question:
"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?"
From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) Sgt. Bennett, obviously a cop with a sense of humor replied:
"First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy. In Chula Vista, we average one cop for every 600 people.
Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where we do most of our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents.
At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty.
So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents.
When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.
Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass.
This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is
just too tiring.
What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass.

The tools available to us are as follow:
PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment.
"My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment.
Another popular one: "There's a guy breaking into a house." The harassment team is then put into action.
CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no driver's licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light.
Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.
RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying
as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours to determine why they didn't want to talk to us.
STATUTES: When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Codes, etc...They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people.
After you read the statute, you can just drive around for awhile until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them.
Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says that's not allowed.
That meant I got permission to harass this guy. It's a really cool system that we've set up, and it works pretty well.
We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people.
Next time you are in my town, give me the old "single finger wave." That's another one of those codes. It means,
"You can't harass me." It's one of our favorites.
Hopefully sir, this has clarified to you a little bit better how we harass the good citizens of Chula Vista

I am going to give this to a police officer at Church Sunday. I am sure he will get a kick out of it!

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is a couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."

:yes:

Jerry Baumchen