Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see that the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the letter with trembling hands and read the letter...

"Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science finds a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son,

Joshua

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it's safe for me to come home."

:joke:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

Okay... How many times did you spring THAT little ditty on your folks? :dontknow: :2thumbs:

 

[JerryB]

Hi Bob,

Re: Okay... How many times did you spring THAT little ditty on your folks?

I may have caused my old man a fair number of grey hairs but not from anything like that.

:banghead:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

Guilty of the same offenses as well... :2thumbs:

 

[srwilli]

The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto, where a woman may go to choose a husband. At the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love children.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more,' so she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love children, and are extremely good looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

[Bob Denman]

What would be the point of climbing any higher? :dontknow: :2thumbs:

 

[Bfromla]

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[IdahoMtnSpyder]

I'm guess I'm the exception that proves the rule! I lived 15 years in Louisiana, retired on June 30, 2006, and had a U-Haul truck reserved for July 10 to pack up and move back to Idaho. Told the folks in LA I was going back to where summer is summer and winter is winter and the two don't mixed up together!!!:roflblack::clap::roflblack::clap:

 

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

Dentist's bill

Copied from a PennyDell puzzle.

Immediately after he received the bill for the extraction of a tooth, a young man phoned his dentist.

"I am shocked," he complained, "This is three times what you normally charge."

"I know," said the dentist, "but you yelled so loudly you scared away two other patients."

 

[cuznjohn]

can you pick out the zebra

 

[Blue Star]

Student to Teacher

Student: Will I get in trouble for something I did not do?

Teacher: No, of course not.

Student: Good, because I did not do my homework.

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."

:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: Oh, Thank Goodness for THAT!! :yikes:

 

[Bob Denman]

Do Not Open Until Tomorrow...

 

[Bfromla]

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[Cruzr Joe]

View attachment 99372View attachment 99373


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Ummmmm ...................................... I think that dog is Snoopy.

Cruzr Joe

 

[Bob Denman]

:agree: :clap:

 

[Bfromla]

Snoopy is role model -too cool to smoke,(fyi see they are making another peanuts movie,trailer on IMDB)


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[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same -- She stood there wearing the black lacy panties, and he was in his birthday suit -- only now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

:yes:

Jerry Bumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: :thumbup: