ursamajor35126
New member
Age has its benefits.
-
There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.
Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
:agree:
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At a session, the priest asked Giuseppe, a second generation Italian immigrant, and approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes to share an insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nice, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for the 50th wedding anniversary?'
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
:shocked:
Jerry Baumchen
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At a session, the priest asked Giuseppe, a second generation Italian immigrant, and approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes to share an insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nice, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for the 50th wedding anniversary?'
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
:shocked:
Jerry Baumchen
cuznjohn
New member
IdahoMtnSpyder
Active member
The Last Kiss
The Last Kiss
Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin , Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
The Last Kiss
Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin , Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Jim's_Spyder
New member
[FONT="]The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]that you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention! For example,
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.[/FONT]
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is[/FONT][FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="]that you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention! For example,
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.[/FONT]
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
~ Nine Essential Thoughts To Ponder ~
Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your keester tomorrow.
:joke:
Jerry Baumchen
~ Nine Essential Thoughts To Ponder ~
Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your keester tomorrow.
:joke:
Jerry Baumchen
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do.' said the oldman. 'After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty.'
When the doctor examined his elderly wife later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Well, your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea why?'
"Oh, that crazy old bugger!!!'' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is always in August'.
:yes:
Jerry Baumchen
After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do.' said the oldman. 'After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty.'
When the doctor examined his elderly wife later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Well, your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea why?'
"Oh, that crazy old bugger!!!'' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is always in August'.
:yes:
Jerry Baumchen
cuznjohn
New member
[FONT="]Robert , 85, married Jenny,[/FONT]
[FONT="]a lovely 25 year old . .. .......[/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]Since her new husband is so old,[/FONT]
[FONT="]Jenny decides that after their wed-
ding she and Robert should have[/FONT]
[FONT="]separate bedrooms, because she[/FONT]
[FONT="]is concerned that her new but aged
husband may over-exert himself if
they spend the entire night together.[/FONT]
[FONT="]
After the wedding festivities Jenny
prepares herself for bed and[/FONT]
[FONT="]the expected knock on the door.[/FONT]
[FONT="]Sure enough the knock comes,[/FONT]
[FONT="]the door opens and there is Robert,
her 85 year old groom, ready[/FONT]
[FONT="]for action. They unite as one... All[/FONT]
[FONT="]goes well, Robert takes leave of[/FONT]
[FONT="]his bride, and she prepares to go[/FONT]
[FONT="]to sleep.[/FONT]
[FONT="]
After a few minutes, Jenny hears
another knock on her bedroom[/FONT]
[FONT="]door, and it's Robert, Again he is[/FONT]
[FONT="]ready for more 'action'.Somewhat[/FONT]
[FONT="]surprised, Jenny consents for more[/FONT]
[FONT="]coupling. When the newly weds are[/FONT]
[FONT="]done, Robert kisses his bride, bids[/FONT]
[FONT="]her a fond good night and leaves.[/FONT]
[FONT="]
She is set to go to sleep again, but,[/FONT]
[FONT="]aha, you guessed it Robert is back[/FONT]
[FONT="]again, rapping on the door and is as[/FONT]
[FONT="]fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for[/FONT]
[FONT="]more 'action'. And, once more they[/FONT]
[FONT="]enjoy each other.[/FONT]
[FONT="]
But as Robert gets set to leave again,[/FONT]
[FONT="]his young bride says to him, 'I am[/FONT]
[FONT="]thoroughly impressed that at your[/FONT]
[FONT="]age you can perform so well and so[/FONT]
[FONT="]often. I have been with guys less[/FONT]
[FONT="]than a third of your age who were[/FONT]
[FONT="]only good once. You are truly a great[/FONT]
[FONT="]lover, Robert.'[/FONT]
[FONT="]
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns[/FONT]
[FONT="]to Jenny and says:
'You mean I was here already?'[/FONT]
[FONT="]
The moral of the story:[/FONT]
[FONT="]Don't be afraid of getting old,[/FONT]
[FONT="]Alzheimer's has its advantages.[/FONT]
[FONT="]a lovely 25 year old . .. .......[/FONT]
[FONT="] [/FONT]
[FONT="]Since her new husband is so old,[/FONT]
[FONT="]Jenny decides that after their wed-
ding she and Robert should have[/FONT]
[FONT="]separate bedrooms, because she[/FONT]
[FONT="]is concerned that her new but aged
husband may over-exert himself if
they spend the entire night together.[/FONT]
[FONT="]
After the wedding festivities Jenny
prepares herself for bed and[/FONT]
[FONT="]the expected knock on the door.[/FONT]
[FONT="]Sure enough the knock comes,[/FONT]
[FONT="]the door opens and there is Robert,
her 85 year old groom, ready[/FONT]
[FONT="]for action. They unite as one... All[/FONT]
[FONT="]goes well, Robert takes leave of[/FONT]
[FONT="]his bride, and she prepares to go[/FONT]
[FONT="]to sleep.[/FONT]
[FONT="]
After a few minutes, Jenny hears
another knock on her bedroom[/FONT]
[FONT="]door, and it's Robert, Again he is[/FONT]
[FONT="]ready for more 'action'.Somewhat[/FONT]
[FONT="]surprised, Jenny consents for more[/FONT]
[FONT="]coupling. When the newly weds are[/FONT]
[FONT="]done, Robert kisses his bride, bids[/FONT]
[FONT="]her a fond good night and leaves.[/FONT]
[FONT="]
She is set to go to sleep again, but,[/FONT]
[FONT="]aha, you guessed it Robert is back[/FONT]
[FONT="]again, rapping on the door and is as[/FONT]
[FONT="]fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for[/FONT]
[FONT="]more 'action'. And, once more they[/FONT]
[FONT="]enjoy each other.[/FONT]
[FONT="]
But as Robert gets set to leave again,[/FONT]
[FONT="]his young bride says to him, 'I am[/FONT]
[FONT="]thoroughly impressed that at your[/FONT]
[FONT="]age you can perform so well and so[/FONT]
[FONT="]often. I have been with guys less[/FONT]
[FONT="]than a third of your age who were[/FONT]
[FONT="]only good once. You are truly a great[/FONT]
[FONT="]lover, Robert.'[/FONT]
[FONT="]
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns[/FONT]
[FONT="]to Jenny and says:
'You mean I was here already?'[/FONT]
[FONT="]
The moral of the story:[/FONT]
[FONT="]Don't be afraid of getting old,[/FONT]
[FONT="]Alzheimer's has its advantages.[/FONT]
draboo
New member
You're An EXTREME Redneck When...
>>>
>>>1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table - in front of her kids.
>>>2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
>>>3 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
>>> 4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
>>> 5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
>>> 6 Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
>>> 7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
>>> 8 Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
>>> 9 Your junior prom offered day care.
>>> 10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'
>>> 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
>>> 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
>>> 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
>>> 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
>>> 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
>>> 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
>>> 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
>>>And in closing....
>>>
>>>Two good ol' boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.
>>>After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailerSaturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
>>>The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
>>>
>>>NOW Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD DAY
>>>
>>>1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table - in front of her kids.
>>>2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
>>>3 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
>>> 4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
>>> 5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
>>> 6 Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
>>> 7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
>>> 8 Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
>>> 9 Your junior prom offered day care.
>>> 10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'
>>> 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
>>> 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
>>> 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
>>> 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
>>> 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
>>> 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
>>> 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
>>>And in closing....
>>>
>>>Two good ol' boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.
>>>After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailerSaturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
>>>The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
>>>
>>>NOW Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD DAY
Bob Denman
New member
:roflblack:
I can't compete with THAT list!
I can't compete with THAT list!
Bob Denman
New member
:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack: :clap: :2thumbs:
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
SOMETIME-HONORED TRUTHS:
1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
7. I doubt, therefore I might be.
8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. A fool and his money are soon partying.
14. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Jerry Baumchen
SOMETIME-HONORED TRUTHS:
1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
7. I doubt, therefore I might be.
8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. A fool and his money are soon partying.
14. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Jerry Baumchen
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
Dear Family,
I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.
Dinner is at 2:00.
Not 2:15.
Not 2:05.
Precisely at 2:00
Arrive late and you get what's left over.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.
House Rules:
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself sometime, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.
12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.
I really mean all of the above.
Love You, Grandma
:clap:
Jerry Baumchen
Dear Family,
I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.
Dinner is at 2:00.
Not 2:15.
Not 2:05.
Precisely at 2:00
Arrive late and you get what's left over.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.
House Rules:
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself sometime, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.
12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.
I really mean all of the above.
Love You, Grandma
:clap:
Jerry Baumchen
Bob Denman
New member
I really do like her rules! :clap: :thumbup:
I'm stealing a copy of them for my Missus...
I'm stealing a copy of them for my Missus...
Trickie Dick
New member
Two Muslim Men........
Two Muslim men are talking in a bar. The first one pulls out his wallet and shows the other one a picture.
"See? This was my eldest son. He martyred himself on a bus last year." The other one pulls out his own wallet and shows a similar picture. "This was my middle son. He martyred himself at a school just 3 months ago."
The first one looks at him and sighs. "Children today... They blow up so fast..."
Two Muslim men are talking in a bar. The first one pulls out his wallet and shows the other one a picture.
"See? This was my eldest son. He martyred himself on a bus last year." The other one pulls out his own wallet and shows a similar picture. "This was my middle son. He martyred himself at a school just 3 months ago."
The first one looks at him and sighs. "Children today... They blow up so fast..."
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: I thought that they didn't drink alcohol...
PrairieSpyder
New member
:shocked: I thought that they didn't drink alcohol...
It was a juice bar. Or coffee bar.
Bob Denman
New member
Silly me...When I think of Bars; I guess that my personal experience leads me to just one conclusion.
:cheers::cheers::cheers: :barf:
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