PrairieSpyder
New member
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop!
-
There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.
Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
Sister Mary entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said; “Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as
you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.”
Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, “Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.”
Sister Mary said, “Hard bed.”
“I'm sorry to hear that,” the Priest said, “We will get you a better bed.”
After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest.
“You may say another two words, Sister Mary.”
“Cold food,” said Sister Mary, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary in to his office.
“You may say two words today.”
“I quit,” said Sister Mary.
“It's probably best,” said the Priest, “You've done nothing but complain since you got here.”
:joke:
Jerry Baumchen
Sister Mary entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said; “Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as
you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.”
Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, “Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.”
Sister Mary said, “Hard bed.”
“I'm sorry to hear that,” the Priest said, “We will get you a better bed.”
After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest.
“You may say another two words, Sister Mary.”
“Cold food,” said Sister Mary, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary in to his office.
“You may say two words today.”
“I quit,” said Sister Mary.
“It's probably best,” said the Priest, “You've done nothing but complain since you got here.”
:joke:
Jerry Baumchen
PrairieSpyder
New member
A priest, a southern Pentecostal pastor, and an Orthodox Jewish rabbi make a bet that they can somehow convert a bear to their faith. They each go out into the woods looking for bears
A week later, they’re all in the hospital and a visiting reporter goes up to each of them to find out what happened.
First he goes to the hospital bed with the priest, who has a number of scratches on his arm
The priest tells him, “I found the bear. It was a little tough, but I managed to sprinkle holy water on him – he’s now a practicing Catholic.”
The reporter goes over to the next bed to speak to the pastor. He’s scratched up and his arm is in a sling. The pastor relays, “I found the bear. Wrestled him to the ground. Cast the demons out of him. And baptized him in the river. He’s now a sanctified, uncompromised, on fire, believer.”
Finally the reporter goes to the bed with the rabbi. The rabbi is in a body cast, wrapped up like a mummy, except with an orthodox Jewish hat on his head. “What happened?” asked the reporter. The rabbi answers, “I can’t understand what went wrong. The bear was very open to the idea of converting to Judaism. Everything was going so well – until we got to the circumcision.”
A week later, they’re all in the hospital and a visiting reporter goes up to each of them to find out what happened.
First he goes to the hospital bed with the priest, who has a number of scratches on his arm
The priest tells him, “I found the bear. It was a little tough, but I managed to sprinkle holy water on him – he’s now a practicing Catholic.”
The reporter goes over to the next bed to speak to the pastor. He’s scratched up and his arm is in a sling. The pastor relays, “I found the bear. Wrestled him to the ground. Cast the demons out of him. And baptized him in the river. He’s now a sanctified, uncompromised, on fire, believer.”
Finally the reporter goes to the bed with the rabbi. The rabbi is in a body cast, wrapped up like a mummy, except with an orthodox Jewish hat on his head. “What happened?” asked the reporter. The rabbi answers, “I can’t understand what went wrong. The bear was very open to the idea of converting to Judaism. Everything was going so well – until we got to the circumcision.”
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: :agree: :yikes: :roflblack: :roflblack:
ARtraveler
R.I.P. Dwayne
Ouch x 3 :roflblack::roflblack:
PrairieSpyder
New member
A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip when all of a sudden their car breaks down.
They pull over to the side of the road and start hypothesizing what is wrong.
The chemical engineer says, “It’s probably something wrong with the catalytic converter.”
“No,” says the mechanical engineer, “It’s probably something wrong with the engine.”
The computer scientist says, “Not sure, but let’s get out, get back in, and see if it starts.”
They pull over to the side of the road and start hypothesizing what is wrong.
The chemical engineer says, “It’s probably something wrong with the catalytic converter.”
“No,” says the mechanical engineer, “It’s probably something wrong with the engine.”
The computer scientist says, “Not sure, but let’s get out, get back in, and see if it starts.”
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
Giuseppe excitedly told his mother he'd fallen in love and he is going to get married.
He said, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try to guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agreed.
The next day, he brought three beautiful women into the house, sat them down on the couch, and they chatted for a while.
He then said, "Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry."
Mama said immediately, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"
Mama replied: "I don't like her."
:sour:
Jerry Baumchen
Giuseppe excitedly told his mother he'd fallen in love and he is going to get married.
He said, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try to guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agreed.
The next day, he brought three beautiful women into the house, sat them down on the couch, and they chatted for a while.
He then said, "Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry."
Mama said immediately, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"
Mama replied: "I don't like her."
:sour:
Jerry Baumchen
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
An elderly couple, after 65 years of marriage, were discussing their last days, and the husband asked her to go to the trunk of his car.
She opened it and found 4 ears of corn, withered and dead.
He said honey, I apologize, but every time I cheated on you, I stuck an ear of corn in the trunk.
She sighed, and with a tear in her eye, she opened her own trunk, and there sat 2 ears of corn, not quite edible, but close. . . and next to them was a box.
Intruiged, the old man opened the box and found 12 thousand dollars there.
Puzzled, he asked about the money, they could have used it when times were tough.
She replied that she trusted him to get them through the tough times.
He finally asked the question she was waiting for . . .
"Where did you get the money?"
She kissed him on the cheek, and said that, like him, every time she cheated, she put an ear of corn in the trunk . . . but every time she got a bushel, she sold it!
:shocked:
Jerry Baumchen
An elderly couple, after 65 years of marriage, were discussing their last days, and the husband asked her to go to the trunk of his car.
She opened it and found 4 ears of corn, withered and dead.
He said honey, I apologize, but every time I cheated on you, I stuck an ear of corn in the trunk.
She sighed, and with a tear in her eye, she opened her own trunk, and there sat 2 ears of corn, not quite edible, but close. . . and next to them was a box.
Intruiged, the old man opened the box and found 12 thousand dollars there.
Puzzled, he asked about the money, they could have used it when times were tough.
She replied that she trusted him to get them through the tough times.
He finally asked the question she was waiting for . . .
"Where did you get the money?"
She kissed him on the cheek, and said that, like him, every time she cheated, she put an ear of corn in the trunk . . . but every time she got a bushel, she sold it!
:shocked:
Jerry Baumchen
PrairieSpyder
New member
How to Get to Heaven
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday...I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "You're kidding me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office!"
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday...I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "You're kidding me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office!"
PrairieSpyder
New member
God promised . . .
Bob Denman
New member
So THAT's how he managed to sneak it past us... :gaah:
Bob Denman
New member
This came from a Top-Secret Navy Intelligence Report...
Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound, and never left the house for 5 years.
It is now believed that he calledthe US Navy Seals himself
Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound, and never left the house for 5 years.
It is now believed that he calledthe US Navy Seals himself
oldguyinTX
New member
I thought that he was Muslim, not Mormonroflmaoroflmao.
Bob Denman
New member
Well... He must have gotten the two religions confused. :shocked:
That's a mistake that is easily made! :roflblack:
That's a mistake that is easily made! :roflblack:
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man."
I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
" What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, "'Hey, this looks like yours!"
I don't remember much after that."
:lecturef_smilie:
Jerry Baumchen
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man."
I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
" What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, "'Hey, this looks like yours!"
I don't remember much after that."
:lecturef_smilie:
Jerry Baumchen
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."
The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, " Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
:yikes:
Jerry Baumchen
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."
The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, " Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
:yikes:
Jerry Baumchen
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: Dead man walking :shocked:... for BOTH jokes! 
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt, was waiting for a bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, 'How dare you touch my body ! I don't even know you!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'
:shocked:
Jerry Baumchen
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt, was waiting for a bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, 'How dare you touch my body ! I don't even know you!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'
:shocked:
Jerry Baumchen
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