Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Daisyjoe]

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

 

[Bob Denman]

:yikes: I don't dare say much; but :thumbup: :roflblack:

 

[bruiser]

Uh, this may hurt a little. Said the proctologist.

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

I find myself saying this; more and more!
:2thumbs:

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Princeau99]

 

[Princeau99]

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack: Good ones!! :2thumbs:
And an even greater Avatar! :bowdown:

 

[Yeochief]

The top 10 Country Songs of all time:

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogshow 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long.

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: I think that I might have sung a few of them over the years... :shocked: :clap:

 

[StanProff]

Tis better to have loved a midget than to have never loved a Tall.

 

[Bob Denman]

As the midget said;
"When we were nose to nose; my toes were in it.."
"When we were toes to toes; my nose was in it..."
"When we fianlly got everything where it was supposed to be; I had nobobdy to talk to!" :shocked:

 

[StanProff]

O.K. this one might be border line but I'll put it on here anyway.
At the circus the midget told the fat lady that he was going to make love to her:yikes:
She said "if you do and I FIND OUT about it your gonna be in Big trouble!!!!

pps:

 

[draboo]

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogshow 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long.

THIS is SUPERB!

 

[PrairieSpyder]

How do you get a guitarist off your porch? Pay for the pizza.

What's the difference between an oboe and an bassoon? The bassoon burns longer.

 

[Bob Denman]

How does a Classically Trained Musician define "Perfect Pitch"?
That's when you throw the Bagpipes into the Town Dump; and they land on a Banjo!

 

[draboo]

A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.

The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped.

The farmer looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbour's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

"Wow," said Banker Bill, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked Banker Bill.

"I don't know, but they kind of taste like peppermint."