Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Wiredux]

Sent from my iPhone 5 using Tapatalk

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: I'll bet that we'd ALL like to hear it...

 

[Barlock]

A little girl answers the phone, "Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says,

"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

 

[Bob Denman]

:yikes: :clap:

 

[Barlock]

An old, old man was lying on his death bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON’T TOUCH THOSE - they're for the funeral!"

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: Now that one isn't funny...
(yes it is! )

 

[3 Wheel Addict]

Know how to tell when your girlfriend is getting fat? Your wife's clothes fit her....

 

[3 Wheel Addict]

Know how to tell when your wife's dead? Sex is the same but the dishes are piling up...

 

[Barlock]

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the Principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. The latter took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror!

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY… there are teachers, and then there are Educators.

 

[Bob Denman]

My Missus; who's on the Board of Education... loved it! :2thumbs:

 

[Barlock]

***The bank manager's daughter had gone off to university in another state. It was her first time away from home. After some months, a letter finally arrived. It read...


Dear Dad,


Sorry about the long time it's taken me to write. Before I tell you about my news I should warn you - some of it may come as a shock.
I'm writing this from hospital where my broken legs are healing well. Even though I'll never be able to play for Australia in netball again (because one leg will be permanently shorter than the other) the doctors say I'll be walking again in a couple of months.

I was hit by a car while running away from the police after a little misunderstanding about some pills in my purse. Fortunately, the whole thing was witnessed by a passing pedestrian, who has since visited me every day. His name is Keith and he's been an angel to me.

Although he's unemployed, I'm sure you will grow to admire his many qualities as I have done, because we're engaged to be married. We haven't set a date yet - we're not sure to have it before or after our baby is born. His pending court case is also causing us some uncertainty.

I'm really glad that you've been so supportive of multi-culturalism because Keith is of both a different race and religion. That's why I'm sure you'll welcome him and his two brothers
into our family. I'll need your help because the disease I caught off Keith might keep me low for a while.

Now that I've got that out of the way I need to tell you there was no police chase and no accident. My legs are fine and there's no Keith, no brothers, no baby and no disease. However, it looks like I'm going to fail two subjects and just pass the other two and it's important that you keep things in perspective.

Your loving daughter....

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

An Oldie; But A Goodie!

A single guy decided that life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug),
which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today?
We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going
to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time, he put his face up against the centipede' s house and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"
.....YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS......
This time, a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time!
I 'm putting my shoes on!"

 

[Bob Denman]

Political Aphorisms...

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII~
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office ~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches,
there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there
is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev~
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to
believe it. ~Clarence Darrow~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will
do it for you. ~Author unknown~
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy
some more tunnel. ~John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich,
by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer~
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the
truth about them. ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Tex Guinan~
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the
politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the
locks. ~Doug Larson~
There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators. ~Will Rogers~

 

[Daisyjoe]

Know how to tell when your girlfriend is getting fat? Your wife's clothes fit her....

:wrong::wrong::wrong:

 

[Bob Denman]

You Might Live In California If...

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.
You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
You can't remember...is pot illegal?
You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
You can't remember.....is pot illegal?
A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
You can't remember...is pot illegal?
It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH."
You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
Both you AND your dog have therapists.
You can't remember...... is pot illegal???????

 

[Bob Denman]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Hepner,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced
to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Hepner, are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management
to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE
VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.

 

[Pirate looks at --]

......and

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.
You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
You can't remember...is pot illegal?
You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
You can't remember.....is pot illegal?
A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
You can't remember...is pot illegal?
It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH."
You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
Both you AND your dog have therapists.
You can't remember...... is pot illegal???????

you might be in California if you can Ryde your Spyder all year round:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack: