Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[draboo]

Sven was from Minnesota. He decided to travel to Nortdakota to look at a milking cow. When he arrives he asks the owner,"Does she give milk?" The owner says "Try her and see". So Sven gets down and grabs a teat. Milk squirts out plentifully, but at the same time, the cow farts. He tried it a few more times, and decided that it was a fair deal, even with the extra noise.

When he got back to Minnesota, he calls his friend Olie and says "Hey Olie, you gotsta see dis! Come over and see my new milker!" So Olie heads to Svens farm, and to the barn to look at the cow. "Watch dis,eh?" says Sven. Sven grabs a teat, gets a healthy squirt of milk and the cow, of course, farts.

Olie says "You bought dis cow in Nortdacota, didntja?

"Yah, how'd joo know?

"My wife ees from Nortdakota"

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: That is udderly disgusting...

 

[Bob Denman]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces
Into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea,
And then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

 

[spydaman60]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces
Into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea,
And then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

how much is kelloggs paying you for your joke?:roflblack::roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

Don't bother me; I've got the COOLEST jigsaw puzzle on my desk right now... :roflblack::roflblack::roflblack: :joke:

 

[Daisyjoe]

I finally got around to going fishing this morning, but after a while, I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of
Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp! I released him into the lake without incident and carried on with my fishing, using the frog as bait.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that damn snake with two frogs in his mouth!

 

[Bob Denman]

:cheers: :roflblack:

 

[Dan McNally]

The Man Who Gave Up Sex For Golf

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.
　
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?" :shocked:

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.
　
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?" :hun:
　
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" :yikes:
　
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
　
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you, "the golfer replies, "I'm Father Sean O'Malley, the parish priest at St. Annes Church." :roflblack:

 

[stallion143]

A little girl wanted to get her little dog groomed, so she called several local groomers to find out how much it would cost. The cheapest one was $50. "I can't afford that much! I'll just have to wait a while...Thanks anyway" she says....Just then she sees a TV ad about Nair Hair Remover....She thinks, "I think that might just work on Fluffy!"

She rides her bicycle down to the local drugstore and goes in to ask about the hair remover. The druggist was having a slow day and watches as the little girl rides up on her bike and enters his store.

She asks if they have Nair hair remover, he says "As a matter of fact, we do!" She says, "Well, before I buy it, I need to know if it will take hair off my Schnauzer?" He replies, "It sure will....but you won't be able to ride that bicycle for a few days!"......:roflblack::roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

My new neighbor
She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her condo from my deck.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway and
knocked on my door.
I rushed to open it, she looks at me and says,
"I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good
time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free, I have no plans at all!"
She said, "Great! Could you watch my dog?"

Being a senior citizen, really sucks! :shocked:

 

[draboo]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced its way out... she simply had to know.. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked,

"Will I be acquitted?" :roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[ValCruzSpyder]

Morning Coffee

Punography:
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra .
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.
The Energizer bunny was arrested and charged with battery.
The old man didn't like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: Very nice! :clap:

 

[cjackg]

Vern's Funeral....

VERN'S FUNERAL

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends
Two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
So for his birthday she takes him to a local
Strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
This club before.

"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern
If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
And says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
Arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all
Over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious,
Grabs her purse and
Storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in
Beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
Must have mistaken him for someone else,
But his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
Calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD
THIS COMING FRIDAY.​

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: there; but for the Grace of God... :shocked:
R.I.P. Vern!

 

[RydeOnThree]

TEST


The following was developed as a mental age assessment
by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .....

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
without a mistake.
The average person over 45 years of age cannot do
it!
1.This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat..
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat..
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from
the top down.

 

[Spyder_Cowgirl]

That's Just Mean

The following was developed as a mental age assessment
by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .....

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
without a mistake.
The average person over 45 years of age cannot do
it!
1.This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat..
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat..
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from
the top down.

Funny:roflblack::roflblack: But also mean!

 

[Bob Denman]

Damn...
It only took me twenty seconds; should I go back and read it again? :shocked:

 

[Rayelljay]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from Sydney, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Brisbane, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Perth, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Canberra chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Melbourne shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the **** are interchangeable.'