Bob Denman
New member
I never understood folks who don't enjoy a good chuckle every once in a while... :shocked:
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Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
"Complete", versus "Finished"
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However,
in a recent linguistic conference held in London and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin,
a Guyanese, was the clear winner. His final challenge was this:
Some say there is no difference between “COMPLETE” and "FINISHED". Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and
FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one
catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However,
in a recent linguistic conference held in London and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin,
a Guyanese, was the clear winner. His final challenge was this:
Some say there is no difference between “COMPLETE” and "FINISHED". Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and
FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one
catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
missouriboy
Active member
Eight-year-old Sally was telling her Mom about her day at school today:
"At recess, Donny Ray showed me his willy."
Shocked, Mom was still trying to think of a response when Sally added with a giggle:
"It reminded me of a peanut!"
Somewhat relieved, Mom said, "Oh, really small, was it?"
"No... salty!"
:yikes:
Bob Denman
New member
:yikes: I would love to comment; but I dare not! :yikes:
Daisyjoe
New member
[h=5]An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'[/h]
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'[/h]
Bob Denman
New member
I wonder if they ever found out where he was buried? :shocked: :thumbup:
Bob Denman
New member
The guy who builds this one might just get rich!
warp10
New member
I think that is taking the RECYCLING concept a little too far. :roflblack:
Bob Denman
New member
But you've got to admit; it sure will be a great time-saver! :thumbup:
You don't buy beer anyway; you only rent it! :cheers: :roflblack:
You don't buy beer anyway; you only rent it! :cheers: :roflblack:
DocRags
New member
Boudreaux, the taxi driver
Boudreaux once had a job as a taxicab driver in Baton Rouge. One day, he picked up a Texan on his way to the airport. When they passed by the LSU football stadium, the Texan said "What's that?"
Boudreaux said, "Dat's Tiger Stadium."
The Texan said, "How long did it take y'all to build it?"
Boudreaux said, "Mais, about five year."
The Texan said, "Oh, we've got a bigger one in Austin that only took one year." As they passed the state capitol, the Texan asked again, "What's that building?"
Boudreaux said, "Dat's the state capitol".
"And how long did it take y'all to build that?"
Boudreaux said, "About tree years."
The Texan said, "We've got one in Austin that only took six months." Boudreaux had just about enough of this, you know. Then they drove past the Mississippi River Bridge. The Texan said, "How long did it take y'all to build that bridge?"
Boudreaux said, "I don't know me. It wasn't dere dis morning."
Boudreaux once had a job as a taxicab driver in Baton Rouge. One day, he picked up a Texan on his way to the airport. When they passed by the LSU football stadium, the Texan said "What's that?"
Boudreaux said, "Dat's Tiger Stadium."
The Texan said, "How long did it take y'all to build it?"
Boudreaux said, "Mais, about five year."
The Texan said, "Oh, we've got a bigger one in Austin that only took one year." As they passed the state capitol, the Texan asked again, "What's that building?"
Boudreaux said, "Dat's the state capitol".
"And how long did it take y'all to build that?"
Boudreaux said, "About tree years."
The Texan said, "We've got one in Austin that only took six months." Boudreaux had just about enough of this, you know. Then they drove past the Mississippi River Bridge. The Texan said, "How long did it take y'all to build that bridge?"
Boudreaux said, "I don't know me. It wasn't dere dis morning."
Couple of clean ones
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'
*****
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old Daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, ‘My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..'
*****
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old Granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
******
Working as a pediatric Nurse, I had the difficult assignment Of giving immunization shots to children.. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank You!
******
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' After my Son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.'
*****
Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old Son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq..' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
*****
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with The kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on His lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
*****
.... And a favorite ...God's Problem Now:
His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a Massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'
*****
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old Daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, ‘My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..'
*****
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old Granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
******
Working as a pediatric Nurse, I had the difficult assignment Of giving immunization shots to children.. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank You!
******
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' After my Son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.'
*****
Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old Son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq..' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
*****
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with The kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on His lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
*****
.... And a favorite ...God's Problem Now:
His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a Massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
Bob Denman
New member
Two Montana rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon
a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw something down and listen and see how long
it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand and we'll
throw it in and see."
So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are
standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no
hesitation, jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that
was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came
running out of the bushes doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into dis here hole!"
The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him tied to a transmission."
a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw something down and listen and see how long
it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand and we'll
throw it in and see."
So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are
standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no
hesitation, jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that
was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came
running out of the bushes doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into dis here hole!"
The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him tied to a transmission."
Bob Denman
New member
THE POTTY
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS
HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE
BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS
OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND
AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY' YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES, BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE
YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS
HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE
BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS
OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND
AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY' YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES, BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE
YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
Cruzr Joe
New member
Sometimes you just get what you ask for....
Empathy for a homesick snowbird
I was in Scottsdale, AZ the other day. I saw a bumper
sticker on a parked car that read: “I miss Chicago.”
So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of
the tires, added an Oba** bumper sticker and left a note
that read, “Hope this helps”!
:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:
Cruzr Joe
Empathy for a homesick snowbird
I was in Scottsdale, AZ the other day. I saw a bumper
sticker on a parked car that read: “I miss Chicago.”
So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of
the tires, added an Oba** bumper sticker and left a note
that read, “Hope this helps”!
:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:
Cruzr Joe
Bob Denman
New member
That's almost too funny to stand!
draboo
New member
[h=5]Matti, a chicken farmer, stops by at the Paradise Bar in Ishpeming. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.
The woman said, "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."
"What a coincidence," said Matti, "It's a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"It's a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating," said the woman.
"What a coincidence," said Matti.
While they toasted, Matti asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"Well, my husband and I have been trying to have a child for years," the woman replied, "and today my doctor told me that I was pregnant."
"What a coincidence," said Matti. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years, all my hens have been infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."
"That's awesome," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster," said Matti.[/h]"What a coincidence..!" she replied.
The woman said, "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."
"What a coincidence," said Matti, "It's a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"It's a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating," said the woman.
"What a coincidence," said Matti.
While they toasted, Matti asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"Well, my husband and I have been trying to have a child for years," the woman replied, "and today my doctor told me that I was pregnant."
"What a coincidence," said Matti. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years, all my hens have been infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."
"That's awesome," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster," said Matti.[/h]"What a coincidence..!" she replied.
Bob Denman
New member
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go to the store and buy a
carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 2."
A short time later the husband comes back with 2 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 2 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time.
carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 2."
A short time later the husband comes back with 2 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 2 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time.
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