Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Ccol]

Grandad

Aussie humour. The best bit of oz poetry yet. A bit of culture – — Goodbye Granddad Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime, He never had a day off crook – gone before his time, We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat, A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet, The doctor said his heart was good – fit as any trout, The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out. There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without a trace, Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space, No-one had a clue at all – the judge was in some doubt, When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about, 'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath, 'You see it's quite a story – but it could explain his death.' 'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil, And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil, So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials, They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles. Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste, And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste, So I moved the dunny (outhouse) over it – real smart move I thought, I'd never have to dig again – I'd never be 'caught short'. The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight, But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night, Now I reckon what has happened – poor Granddad didn't know, The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go. And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash– Well, he always used to hold his breath until he heard the splash!!

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap::roflblack::clap: :thumbup:

 

[DocRags]

Texting

I LOVE YOU, SWEETHEART

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.

Here are some of the replies:


1. Who is this?


2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?


3. I love you, too.


4. What now? Did you crash the car again?


5. I don't understand what you mean?


6. What did you do now?


7. ?!?


8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?


9. Am I dreaming?


10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.




11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.


12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she??





13. What have you been smoking??





14. You're in jail again, aren't you?





15. You know when I laugh this hard, I could die from a heart attack! :cus: !




16. I love you too snookums

 

[Bob Denman]

:firstplace: :2thumbs:

 

[exwinger]

Misguided logic

LOGIC

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your
spending each month at $450.

In one year, it would be approximately $5400, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could
have been put in a step-up

interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the
past 20 years, you could have

now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where's your Ferrari?

 

[spydaman60]

man went to a female dentist with two broken teeth he had knocked out in a bar fight. the dentist pulled out the needle and started moving towards him. "no way" the guy said, "i don't do needles". the dentist then put the syringe away and reached for the nitrous. the man shouted, "no laughing gas for me, i say crazy things and they're not appropriate". the female dentist hands him two pills and water and says take these. the guy looks at her and says 'what were they?" the female dentist responds "viagara". the guy says " i didn't know viagara can prevent pain". the dentist looks at him and says" they don't, but at least it'll give you something to hang on to while i pull those two teeth"!

 

[PrairieSpyder]

Presbyterian vs Catholic

The Our Lady of Martyrs Catholic Church (C) is directly across the street from the Beulah Cumberland Presbyterian Church (P). They each post a weekly message outside.

Week 1:
C - ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVENP - ONLY HUMANS GO TO HEAVEN
READ THE BIBLE

Week 2:
C - GOD LOVES ALL HIS CREATURES
DOGS INCLUDED
P - DOGS DON'T HAVE SOULS
THIS IS NOT OPEN FOR DEBATE

Week 3:
C - CATHOLIC DOGS GO TO HEAVEN
PRESBYTERIAN DOGS CAN TALK TO THEIR PASTOR
P - CONVERTING TO CATHOLICISM DOES NOT MAGICALLY GRANT YOUR DOG A SOUL

Week 4:
C - FREE DOG SOULS WITH CONVERSION
P - DOGS ARE ANIMALS
THERE AREN'T ANY ROCKS IN HEAVEN EITHER

Week 5:
C - ALL ROCKS GO TO HEAVEN

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[jwmcclellan]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know sh*t?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

 

[Bob Denman]

The Missus told me that I absolutely had to fix the gutter downspout this past weekend.
Now, it's been leaking and spraying water all over the front porch, so I guess that she did have a point.
I invited my 2 buddies over to help; misery loves company!
One brought the beer, and the other brought his welder...
It took us just about all day to get it fixed up, but a lot of that was for "Beer Stoppages"
I hope that she likes it!

 

[Daisyjoe]

You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put
under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100
... guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds of
ammunition stored in his home.
The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.
My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: "Wow! He has
about a quarter million machine gun bullets."
The headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache!"
By southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds would
be called "mentally unstable." Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:
In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."
In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."
In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd
probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a
corresponding quantity of stored food
In Tennessee and Virginia, he'd be called "the neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."
In Alabama, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."
In Louisiana, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."
In North Carolina, Mississippi and Texas he would be called "
a deer hunting buddy."
And in Georgia, he's just "Bubba" who's a little short on ammo.

 

[Trickie Dick]

You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put
under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100
... guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds of
ammunition stored in his home.
The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.
My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: "Wow! He has
about a quarter million machine gun bullets."
The headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache!"
By southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds would
be called "mentally unstable." Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:
In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."
In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."
In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd
probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a
corresponding quantity of stored food
In Tennessee and Virginia, he'd be called "the neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."
In Alabama, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."
In Louisiana, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."
In North Carolina, Mississippi and Texas he would be called "
a deer hunting buddy."
And in Georgia, he's just "Bubba" who's a little short on ammo.

Where's the joke:dontknow:

 

[Bob Denman]

:agree: Proof that real-life can be funny too!
In New york; they'd find a Judge somewhere who'd sign some :cus: paper to have them all confiscated... :gaah:

 

[DocRags]

Crossword Puzzles

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question my Lord?"
"Go ahead Carson " said his Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on"
"What word is that?" said his Lordship.
"Aplomb" my Lord..
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure"
"Thank you my Lord, but I'm still a little confused".
"Then let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us."
" I remember the occasion very well , my Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
" Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, " do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden? "
"I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs"
"While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply"
Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident my Lord and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening his pricked thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice," "Darling does your prick still throb?"
"You, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! Now, that is aplomb!"

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: I would say that it sure is! :roflblack:
Those plucky Brits... :thumbup:

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

:yikes: :roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[DocRags]

View attachment 73003 :yikes: :roflblack:

I sent that one to Ed's daughter (expecting twins in Sept) when it first made the rounds awhile back, and she did NOT think it was funny at all. She just doesn't have a sense of humor, I guess! :roflblack: I thought it was pretty hilarious. :thumbup: