dannymax
New member
Like I said....the possibilities are endless!! :roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:
I gotta go now...............:shocked:
-
There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.
Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Like I said....the possibilities are endless!! :roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:
I gotta go now...............:shocked:
dannymax
New member
She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "No, No,…I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"
It's no fun being old!!
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "No, No,…I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"
It's no fun being old!!
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked:
draboo
New member
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children,
one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So. . . if I didn't give any money to them, what the hell makes you think I'd give any to you?"
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children,
one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So. . . if I didn't give any money to them, what the hell makes you think I'd give any to you?"
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked:
He might be cheap; but at least he's also unlikeable! :thumbup:
effgjamis
Ride Forrest Ride!
My Last TRIP
MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow For my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had - an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...... it will be their laugh for the day!!! |
PCBeachBum
New member
Ten Thoughts to Ponder
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet, and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your as* tomorrow.
- - - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long".
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet, and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your as* tomorrow.
- - - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long".
effgjamis
Ride Forrest Ride!
senior moments
A bit of humor for us ole folks.... Just maybe youngen's might enjoy as well
http://www.rtbot.net/play.php?id=Xv1tMioGgXI
enjoy
A bit of humor for us ole folks.... Just maybe youngen's might enjoy as well
http://www.rtbot.net/play.php?id=Xv1tMioGgXI
enjoy
Daisyjoe
New member
:roflblack::roflblack: BEEN THERE; DONE THAT:clap: THANKS FOR THE LAUGH !!!
Bob Denman
New member
I think I just saw him over in the DogFood aisle getting ready to go on the Purina Diet... :shocked:
PCBeachBum
New member
Skinny Dipping
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was very nice for swimming, so he fixed it up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some orange and grapefruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the CROCODILE..'
Some old men can still think fast...
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was very nice for swimming, so he fixed it up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some orange and grapefruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the CROCODILE..'
Some old men can still think fast...
Bob Denman
New member
Equality for jokes
A blonde woman and her neighbor were talking...The neighbor and said:"Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex.The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."To which the blond replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."-
-A friend told the blonde: "Christmas is on a Friday this year"The blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th.---
Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
A blond is in the bathroom and her husband shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" She says, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy,"she tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". The blonde says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor."No", he shouts, "This is her husband!"
A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The Cop says"That's your air freshener swinging about!"
A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic. Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing."What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks."Here boy!" she replies.
A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself,"the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard."I know," he replies, "but I couldn't breathe".
(now this one actually makes sense...lol) An Italian tourist asks a blonde:"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"To which the blonde replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
A blonde woman and her neighbor were talking...The neighbor and said:"Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex.The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."To which the blond replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."-
-A friend told the blonde: "Christmas is on a Friday this year"The blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th.---
Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
A blond is in the bathroom and her husband shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" She says, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy,"she tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". The blonde says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor."No", he shouts, "This is her husband!"
A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The Cop says"That's your air freshener swinging about!"
A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic. Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing."What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks."Here boy!" she replies.
A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself,"the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard."I know," he replies, "but I couldn't breathe".
(now this one actually makes sense...lol) An Italian tourist asks a blonde:"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"To which the blonde replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
FrankPa
New member
Blonde Cowboy...
Naked Cowboy ~
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and
sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on
but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for
indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you
walking around like this?'
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff....
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head
asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off
my shirt.... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants....
So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.... So I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
'Now go to town cowboy.'
'And here I am.'
Son of a Gun! Blonde Men do exist...
Naked Cowboy ~
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and
sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on
but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for
indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you
walking around like this?'
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff....
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head
asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off
my shirt.... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants....
So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.... So I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
'Now go to town cowboy.'
'And here I am.'
Son of a Gun! Blonde Men do exist...
PCBeachBum
New member
Two Blind Pilots
Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses.
One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit,
the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that
this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late
and we're all gonna die."
Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses.
One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit,
the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that
this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late
and we're all gonna die."
Tiny1
New member
Harley Facts
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and
went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and
your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang
out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out
with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented
the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you
the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention! For example,
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for
the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and
went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and
your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang
out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out
with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented
the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you
the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention! For example,
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for
the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
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