Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Trickie Dick]

Remember Hollywood Squares

Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

 

[Questions]

:roflblack: Keep 'em coming spyder lovers

 

[FrankPa]

Figuratively Speaking...

Wow! It took me a few seconds, but then I got the hang of it...I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers.


F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng?

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:

7H15 M3554G3
53RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 1S
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
U C4N R34D 7H15.

 

[FrankPa]

I do really love cats, however...

How to wash a toilet

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.
You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkly ing clean..

Sincerely,

The Dog

 

[NautiBrit]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work can be overlooked”.

No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole’s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember, life is good.



​

 

[dannymax]

Ingrid says to her friend Mildred,

"You know Mildred, I don't understand what
all the to do is over same sex marriage....it's
all you hear these days, same sex this, same
sex that..."


"Harry, and I have been having the same sex
for 52 years and I'll be truthful with you....
it's no big deal!"

 

[Bob Denman]

Same sex marriages?
Why not!
Shouldn't they be just as miserable as the rest of us? :shocked::gaah:

 

[dannymax]

Same sex marriages?
Why not!
Shouldn't they be just as miserable as the rest of us? :shocked::gaah:

:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:

That's what Ingrid thought! :shocked:

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[warp10]

three little boys

THREE LITTLE BOYS
Were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and
Didn't go to Sunday school


So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.

One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one
Will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?"

Sure," said the janitor.


He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads
In the toilet bowl, one at a time.
Then he said, "You are now baptized!"

When they got outside, one of them asked,
"'What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick,
Because they pour the water on you."


"We're not Babtis,
Because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss,
Because they just sprinkle water on you."



The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'


"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: yuck!! But still pretty dang funny! :thumbup: :roflblack:

 

[draboo]

Logic and the 6 year old boy!

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...

[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]









'I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'[/FONT]:thumbup:

 

[Recluze]

So little Larry goes to a livestock auction with his father. He watches as his fathers checks out a horse. His father runs his hands down the horse's neck, along the horse's back and down the horses legs.

Larry; Why are you doing that Dad?
Dad: I like to check out a horse before I buy it.
Larry: Well I think the UPS man is thinking about buying Mom.

 

[Bob Denman]

The Word For The Day...

Be a little careful about who's looking over your shoulder...

 

[exwinger]

Picking up chicks

THIS REALLY WORKS GREAT...GOOD LUCK TO ALL MY FRIENDS..

HOW US OLDER GUYS PICK UP CHICKS.

A truly touching story....

I'm not the best looking guy; some would say I'm a little frayed around the edges these days.
But, I have a nice bike, a little money, and I spend most of my time casually riding from place to place.
I met a nice-looking girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us.
She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought, "Damn, these Taser guns are really worth the money!"

 

[spydaman60]

freebob response!

...

The one who ended up in ambulance, Took his spyder to Dealer for Lite Bulb change...

Paid 11.00 Special Imported Chinese bulb.
89.00 Labor with 10% Discount
100.00 Total Charge
Then suffered a fainting spell...
EMC Charges unknown...


Freebob...:doorag:...

i think the word you were looking for was priceless!

 

[Bob Denman]

Well this one may not be funny... But there's a lot of truth contained in it!

 

[Bob Denman]

Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina dog
chow at Target, for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was about
to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she
think, that I had an elephant?
Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told
her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the
hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my
body and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet
and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets
and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention
here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story
by now.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive
care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no;
I had stopped in
the middle of the parking lot to lick my ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a
heart attack, he was laughing so hard! Target won't let me shop there
anymore.

 

[Bob Denman]

ONE of these is bound to get me in trouble... :shocked:

 

[Bob Denman]

Time to discuss lawn mower safety...

The Lawn Mower Experience We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing
dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it
7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key - the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. One day I'm mowing the
back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I
unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I
hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence
wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow, on fire, on
the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and
I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in
my head. I was literally at one with the engine.. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who
would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ.. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big Block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences..... but Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International orwhoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. '****!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think "Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die". But nooooo, it settles into the rough
lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. So
here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that
day......he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things: 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. 4- My left eye will not open. 5- My right eye will not close. 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are
almost a foot long. 8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???). That
day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure
the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my
security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over - which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.